Is it abuse. Who do I turn to

[Littlebee]

I’m new here and I really don’t know where to begin or whether my feelings are because of what happened and whether I am seeing things now because of it. So I’ll start from what happened back a few months ago. I was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant with our third child, our phones were linked as he had bought (detail removed by moderator) for us. His emails came through on my phone and I noticed some emails from dating sites. Normally I’d pass them off as spam but these had usernames. So I logged on using those usernames and his usual password. To my surprise there was (detail removed by moderator) of messages to other men and women, dating back almost (detail removed by moderator). These messages were explicit, photos of him and his privates, photos of other men and women, him telling them all this stuff about himself, him telling them how boring and uninteresting I was or that he was just out of a long term relationship etc. Details of them meeting up, phone number exchanges, women asking him if he had fun. I actually contacted a couple of these women and they couldn’t be more apologetic and gave me details etc. Even details of my house! How he had lied to them saying that he was still living with me but he was staying because of our children. So that is that.
When I confronted him about it, even with all the proof he told me I was delusional, why am I trying to split us up, why am I trying to look for a reason to end things, I’m stupid if I could ever think he would cheat on me, telling me he has never cheated on me. If I thought he would then it might aswell be over. So much more. I even ended up questioning myself, am I actually doing what he says and looking for a reason even though it was by complete accident. He then admitted to all of this saying he had a problem, it was like a monster inside of him, to be honest it was all about him. One minute he was apologising, singing my praises, telling me how much he loved me and he’s so happy I know because the secret that he’s been carrying for so many years is finally out. The next minute he was abusive, calling me names again, telling me that I was in fact boring and uninteresting. When I told him then why did you marry me last year, he said because I love you. This hurt.
Whilst I was pregnant with our (detail removed by moderator) daughter I had found messages to a women but most had been deleted. He told me for weeks that it was nothing, he was only talking to this women because I was so negative. I then kept apologising told him I would change cos I didn’t want to lose him, and I did I have been such a positive person and I honestly thought he did too. Fast forward to now and it’s obvious he didn’t change. He got worse. I was sat in an sti clinic at (detail removed by moderator) pregnant, feeling ashamed, feeling sick so many emotions. I could feel people looking at me.
His behaviour and how he has been treating me since finding out all this has been so much worse, like calling me names one minute and then being nice as anything the next. Everyday for the past nearly (detail removed by moderator) he is constantly asking me to take him back because he’s changed, he knows we can work. We should make it work because of our children because they’re the most important thing. If I don’t take him back it’s going to mess them up. He told me how he was going to put a (detail removed by moderator) and if it came in he would leave the money for us and kill himself. He then said he didn’t but the bet came in. Constantly telling me were all better off without him. He’s confusing. I asked him for space, he would give me (detail removed by moderator) then start at it again. I asked him to move out and stay with his mum as the atmosphere wasn’t good for the girls he refused for (detail removed by moderator).
He has taken all of our savings, he has spent them on his new business, a deposit on a house where I wanted to go so I was close to family and he is spending money by going out every single weekend and also booked himself a holiday.
There’s so much more but I feel I’ve confused myself now with the amount there.
So back to how I’ve realised red flags that were in our relationship. We were together for (detail removed by moderator). I met him when I was (detail removed by moderator) and fell pregnant shortly after. He was amazing, everything I could have hoped for, I wanted to marry him, we never had arguments, had loads of fun etc. After our daughter was born I grew up immensely, I wanted to spend time as a family, our new home. He didn’t go out often to start with but then after a few weeks he was always out with his friends or he had people over. I confronted him by asking if we could spend time together etc. He would always spend that weekend with us but then it would go back again so I suppose I just gave up and thought ah he will soon come round. I have never had access to our finances unless I was working. I was part time earning (detail removed by moderator) and he would take half of that for bills although he worked (detail removed by moderator) in a well paid job. (Detail removed by moderator) later I found that we had rent arrears, council tax arrears. His excuse when I asked him was he didn’t want to worry me with money. I’d have to ask him for money if I wanted anything and he would always ask what I was spending it on and give me pretty much the exact amount. He also ended up bankrupt as he got us into (detail removed by moderator) worth of debt. He has never said sorry to me. It’s always somehow turned onto me and I end up apologising. When I have friends or family round he always talks over me when I’m trying to have a conversation. If I dare say anything he shouts louder. On (detail removed by moderator) one year he got jealous of myself and a male Co worker. Once we got home he was bring really funny with me and started calling me a s**g. He then grabbed my phone and pushed me a few times to the floor. (Detail removed by moderator) he then followed me upstairs continuing to shout I tried to get past him but he pushed me on the bed by my neck spitting in my face continually. I got away and he kept grabbing me I stumbled on the stairs and pulled him so we both ended up going down. He jumped over me and  (detail removed by moderator), I dislocated my knee. He kept telling me I pushed him and told his family and friends too. And I thought no one would believe me so I went with it. He kept telling me he would phone the police and take our children cos I was a monster. After a couple of weeks of looking after him he “forgave me”. And things moved on. Things were great for a while then something else would happen. Then things were good again but if I dared to say anything I’d get the silent treatment.
I know this is a long post there’s so much more I could write. I suppose I just don’t know where to turn, I spoke to my local women’s aid but I’m awful on the phone and I didn’t really feel that I told them the full extent. I feel like I need to get all this written down somewhere with a professional but I don’t kniw where. I feel he’s going to use my children because there’s a possibility I’m going to be homeless and I’m scared he will take them. He has been working so many hours the (detail removed by moderator), I have pretty much raised them by myself and I’m scared to lose them. I really don’t want to go the criminal route as I’m just exhausted from it all and worried about the repurcussions from his family and friends.

 

 

[diymum@1]

I sometimes emailed WA once i was allocated a key worker. Does your local womens aid have a drop in? they often run in the mornings so child care wise could work. you sound like youve got alot to deal with – intmidation, triangulation, and financial abuse. this sounds very similar to how i was living for so many years. the hurdls seem huge so you need to deal with this in bite size chunks. even if you read or emailed what youve written above for womens aid they will help you firstly with a safe exit plan. get you accommodation they will help you back on your feet. abusers are out and out to hurt us he will turn this on you and play the victim but its important to see this as crocodile tears xx reach out and call the help line xx love diymum

[Camel]

Hi Littlebee

Don’t be in any doubt that this is abuse. All of it. Feeling powerless, doubting yourself, feeling afraid – these are all a result of years of grinding abuse. Diymum is right, you have to break it all down into manageable chunks. The first chunk is to connect with WA who can help you and your children get to a safe place. There’s no timetable and no rush to get everything else fixed. You’ll find that your mind will clear in time, once you have space to breath and you don’t have to listen to him any more. Please reach out for help. x

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