Is it bad enough to turn our lives upside down?

[BirdieD]

I have been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) we have three children. Two days ago he hurt in front of my children and something switched on or snapped inside me and I need to do something about it..but is this just anger, will I regret doing something about it? Should I just get on with it not being perfect all of the time?

He has had full control of our finances since (detail removed by moderator). It started with him holding the finances over me reminding me that he was the earner, that has now escalated to him having full financial knowledge and control, I have no idea where or access to any savings even though there are. I have a joint account for food which he checks and questions me regularly and I still have my original bank account that I get child benefit and used to get wages.
He says I’m not good with money for which there are no debts or debt history for him to have this idea..I can see now he is trying to just make me believe this.
There have been a few occasions where he has been physically abusive to me pushing, grabbing, shaking or punching a wall. Not hitting me but hurting and deeming me powerless, he is a foot taller and twice my weight. He has done this twice in front of my children. He is generally heavy handed with whoever is nearest and uses fear for control.
He has secretly messaged other women (detail removed by moderator) and I have sometimes dreamed he’d just meet someone else and leave or have an affair.
These are only a few examples of the abusive behaviour and of course there is good and happy times too so I’m very sad and confused.
He is likeable, friendly, easygoing and has tones of friends and family who adore him. He has painted a picture of me being a bossy drama queen and a lady of luxury.
I have tried to find something of my own by volunteering to which he says (detail removed by moderator)
I’m just at a loss to whether this is enough to break up the nice life I created for my kids, financially stable (I think), nice house, car etc etc.
my parents divorced when I was nine (not abusive) but it was really tough on me and I always adamant I would put my kids through it but I am so desperately unhappy.
Any advice or your own battles with this might shed light on what realistic options are. I’d love to just pack our bags and march out the door but I know that’s not possible at this point.

[Bananaboat]

A lot of us on here describe exactly this – one day your brain just snaps, that’s enough.

Is it enough to leave? That’s your choice but what you’ve listed is abuse and you and kids deserve better.

I totally underestimated the impact living with my ex had on my kids, I thought I was protecting them and they knew his rages were just at me, but they absolutely pick up on the tensions and live on high alert too.

Learn about abuse, reach out for support, start putting key documents somewhere safe or taking copies. If you can’t just up and leave then take baby steps to where you want to be, stay safe x

[Stuckinturmoil]

This is exactly where I am at the moment. I have emailed my solicitor and told them I am ready to proceed with a divorce. I just have to send the money.
But is my life bad enough?!
Well obviously it must be pretty s**t if I am on this board after midnight when I have to work in the morning.
My husband is a bully and twists everything. He gets his own way because he rages so loudly and intimidates me I am frightened. But then when I am brave enough to tell him I am divorcing him he looks sad and I relent.

[Camel]

Hi BirdieD,

Instead of asking if it’s bad enough to leave, ask yourself whether it’s good enough to stay. Consider whether a comfortable lifestyle is the same thing as financial security. Do you think your kids care more about the cars in the driveway than they do about your safety?

Unfortunately many women stay in abusive relationships because they can’t afford to leave. Your husband has an iron grip on the finances but that doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your fair share. Division of assets as part of divorce will ultimately give you access to what is already yours. This means a share of property, savings, pensions, etc. Plus he’ll have to pay support for his children. You could go back to work too.

No doubt, he’ll fight dirty, so you must gather every scrap of information and evidence before you make a move.
Find out who he banks with.
Whose name are the cars registered in? What about car insurance? Could he cancel it without your knowledge?
Is your mobile phone on his contract? What if he stopped paying?
Are there any bills in your name, jointly or singly? (Council tax?) You’ll be liable for these even if you move out so you must take action.

Arrange a meeting with your bank’s economic abuse advocate. Get them to run a full credit check to find out if you’re linked to mortgage payments, credit cards, loans or bad debt. They can de-link your joint account too (but perhaps wait until he’s deposited your allowance?)

This probably sounds daunting and exhausting but there’s real power in taking back control. Just don’t let him know what you’re doing.

[StrongLife]

Hi there,

I too was in this financial control area. I too “wanted” to stay together for children.

Ultimately it won’t work – I know where my money is and can spend it as I wish. Your are no doubt good with money due to the fact you shops for kids at shop- this is a task and a half.

Forget his lies, it becomes after a while hard to keep track of the deceit and lies they say.

You deserve a good life with your kids.

I understand stand the statement one day you just realise. I did that too – I was out of relationship soon after – it did not take long.

[Author]

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