Is it crossing the line or not?

[Notsure2345]

Hi,

My boyfriend has been going through a lot of stressful things over the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. He can get quite cross at small things (in my opinion). If we disagree about something I would rather go quiet than say things that could be hurtful however he often says things that upset me.
It’s a long story but basically the short of it is my dog has a thing for (detail removed by Moderator) hats. She has already destroyed a few of (detail removed by Moderator) my hats and has destroyed one of his. We generally try to keep them away from the dog. However he is not great at being tidy so the other say he left one on the (detail removed by Moderator) which was then knocked onto the floor (by him taking (detail removed by Moderator) out) and we didn’t realise so she destroyed another one.

Anyway his son was dropped off (detail removed by Moderator) asleep (he’s (detail removed by Moderator) btw) so my boyfriend took his hat and coat off in the living room. Anyway he left them there and the long and the short of it is the dog destroyed his son’s (detail removed by Moderator) off his hat. By the way … the dog is not vicious but just thinks (detail removed by Moderator) shouldn’t be there I think.
So when he realised he was mad and I said that he should be more tidy. I then said I was taking my dog for a walk. He then got really cross about all of this and took the hat I was wearing off my head and ripped (detail removed by Moderator) off and said see how I like it. I have been very upset about this and have explained this but all he says is I should have said sorry.
I don’t know if I’m over reacting but I just don’t think it’s right to pull apart someone’s things intentionally.
Thank you in advance

[Lisa]

Hello Notsure2345,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what you are going through with us.

From what you’ve described in your post it sounds like your partners anger has meant you’ve felt you have to moderate your behaviour, submitting when there is a disagreement and feeling worried about what might make him angry. This is certainly a sign that you are experiencing emotional abuse. When we are living with abuse, we often have a sense of ‘walking on eggshells’, or feeling anxious about what might make them angry.

It’s not acceptable for someone to destroy or damage your possessions, regardless of what they might be going through or what might have happened to annoy them.

I’m glad you have felt able to share this and start reaching out for support, you’re not overreacting.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Notsure2345

I think thats horrible, and wrong in so many ways. The line was definitely crossed, and it sounds like he’s got you confused about where those lines are, even though you know, he has you doubting and fearing his anger. Its all horribly familiar, and you are rightly flagging up the issues that he has.

Its a horrible and intimidating way to treat someone you are supposed to love! It isn’t love, but control, ownership.Very separate from what you know and understand to be love.

Warmest wishes ts

[Author]

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