Is it emotional abuse

[Rainbowdrop]

Hi, yet again I’m not sure it is abuse I second guess myself all the time.
Lots of little things that he has said to me,this one has really hurt.
When I was a child I was abused by a family member which I told my partner about not long after we met. The other day he said to me, “that’s why you are the way you are because of what happend”? I was and still am gobsmacked that he said this to me.
Is this classed as emotional abuse?

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Rainbowdrop. Yes that’s abuse. He’s trying to make you at fault and using something terrible that happened to you to justify it. It’s a form of manipulation, and a vile one. He knows you are vulnerable about that, and knows that it is confusing and hurtful to use it against you. It is a way for him to unload any responsibility for his own terrible behaviour onto you. He blames you and then tells you it is because of what happened to you in the past, thereby giving you nowhere to turn.

Hearing about this sort of manipulation makes me so angry. How dare they take something so traumatic, so painful to us, and use it to bend and break us all over again.

[Moonface]

Hi i’m new to this forum, but basically I wanted to ask the same question. I met my ex-partner (detail removed by moderator) years ago, within the first year I suffered domestic violence which resulted in an overnight stay in hospital. He was arrested, I made my statement, but at the last minute I withdrew my statement and ended up going back to him, don’nt know why. I came from a very loving family, but my parents said they couldn’t cope with spending the rest of their lives waiting for the phone to ring to say something awful had happened to me, so I lost contact with my entire family for (detail removed by moderator) years. He meanwhile kept in contact with his family. My ex-partner is registered disabled and extremely difficult to live with, but extremely clever (detail removed by moderator), although has now taken voluntary exit from his job, so is in the house all day. My entire life with him as been a case of walking on eggshells, as he can be verbally very nasty and when you have been physically hurt by them once before you always think it could happen again.  years ago I decided to end the relationship, but had no funds to leave the house, we have two children together, (ages removed by moderator), we have never married and the house is in his name only, something he did behind my back. So basically I am trapped here and so he can speak to me however he likes. I do everything in the house, garden, childcare etc, he pays the bills and looks after himself. I gave up work when I had the children. So I have no choice but to stay in the house as I have no money, no savings etc. He tells me I am luck to be living the house scot free and so why shouldn’t I do everything, ” I dont’ keep a dog and bark myself” is his favourite saying. He used to put money into my account on a monthly basis so that I could get things for the children etc, but years ago completely out the blue, at the time we had not been in any kind of a relationship, he asked me to marry me, of course I said no what was he thinking, he got very angry and threw all my clothes, belongings etc down the stairs, even threatened to throw me down the stairs if I didn’t get out the way, so I left the house for a few hours, he then there and then cancelled the money going into my account and cancelled my phone. So now I have to ask him everytime I need to buy anthing and it always turns into an argument where he will tell me what a useless human being I am as I don’t work or drive etc. It’s exhausting and I have been on antidepressants now for a few years. I have almost given up on ever finding a way for me and the children to leave this depressing environment, but everything came to a head, when against my better judgement, I had said it wasn’t a good idea, but was told to think of the children, we took them away for the last week of the hols. For the sake of the children I tried to put on a happy front and for the first couple of days things were not too bad, he didn’t do anything, but I went out and about with the children, then  days in he wouldn’t give me any money so I could do anthing with them or go the shop etc, I couldn’t believe he could be so spiteful and ruin my children’s holiday, one day things became really toxic and I decided that evening to leave with my children, dog, suitcases etc and leave him there and go home early. We had no money for taxi’s etc and ended up walking to and from train station. He returned home the next and didn’t speak to me, which I am used to, but also didn’t speak to the children for days also. Enough is enough now. I have been advised to contact the helpline, but just need to know I’m not making more of this than I should do. I am so worn down by it all. So sorry for long message, but there is so much to say.

[Lisa]

Hi Moonface,

I’m just posting to reiterate what Dragon has said. This is absolutely abuse; perpetrators have a very clever way of making you feel like you’re overreacting but you’re right to think that his behaviour is wrong. I’m glad you’ve joined the Forum; please do keep posting to get support, and when you’re ready call the Helpline to talk through some options,

Best wishes,

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[Dragon]

Moonface, oh my goodness sweetheart. You are not making more of this than you should. Please, please, please call the helpline. This is absolutely abuse, no question. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, coersive control. The whole lot. Please call WA as soon as you get a chance (when he is out the house). Your situations sounds so horrible. I know he is making you believe this is your fault but none of it is. This is what they do. Womens Aid will be able to help you with next steps. Keep posting and reading on here. I hope you’re ok. Let us know how you get on x*x

[Author]

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