Is it emotional abusive?

[Noname]

Hi all

This is the first time I post here. I’ve been talking this through with so many people but it’s hard for people to give advise when they haven’t experienced anything similar and I feel like I might not be “entitled” to these feeling I have because is it really abuse? In order to explain the situation in need to give some background information.
I started dating a guy, he had his problems with alcohol and a bit of drugs when we met. I told him if we were to be together he needed to improve which he did. He was perfect. Very sensitive, a real gentleman opening the doors for me etc. He made me feel so special.
As we got more serious I did see some red flags such as him saying he loved me when he was drunk only to “take it back” next day. He wouldn’t acknowledge how it would upset be that he had looked me in the eyes and said something so meaningful only to tell me he had overreacted. Even smaller things, he always made it seem like it was my fault and I was overreacting when I got upset.
Fast forward, I had troubles with my accommodation so he offered me to move into his for a few months so I could save money. It was very fast as it had only been (detail removed by moderator) months since we started dating but I thought it was okay for a few months. It worked really well and had no problems. (detail removed by moderator) month later I found myself pregnant. He was happy but I also know he felt very anxious about it because he’s the kind of person who really wants to provide. We agreed to keep the baby and started making plans. When I reached week (detail removed by moderator) I started having severe morning sickness to the point where I couldn’t shower or get myself food. I had to stay home from my new job which I already found very stressful. We agreed that I would quit my job and take it easy for some weeks to ride the morning sickness out and then find another job. I am aware I left myself in a very vulnerable position being all dependant on him but I trusted him.
Things had been a bit tense, I was feeling like death and he was stressed about things. The whole thing happened out of nowhere one night.
We had been having a bit of a fall out in the morning because he’s a heavy snorer and he keeps me up at night which is a massive problem when I’m so sick. He didn’t seem to care too much because “I can sleep all day” which is true but when you feel so sick you don’t want to be awake several hours every night. I said that maybe I would go sleep over at a friends just to get proper rest. Nothing personal. He said if I left home he would throw all my stuff out on the street because his house wasn’t a hotel. It’s not the first time he has threatened to put my things outside the house if I left and have always found it very controlling.
We were fine when he got home from work , he was a bit anxious. I was sleeping and he came into the room and turned all the strong lights on as I was lying there in pain. I got really upset because it was really unnecessary and I felt like he wasn’t being considerate. I know I reacted strongly but I was honestly just so sick and tired. He got upset about me reaction and said he would sleep in the (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t have the energy to argue so I told him “fine” he then started getting more aggressive asking me if I was happy he was gonna sleep in the (detail removed by moderator) and again I just said “sure” he then came near me and said I could tell my friend that I’ll stay there from tomorrow on. And again I said “fine” I didn’t care because all I wanted to do was sleep. He kept coming into the room turning in the lights and keeping me awake, pure torture in my condition. We kept arguing and he said things like “people like you make me miserable” “people like you don’t deserve good people in your life” “you are horrible “it’s a disgrace for the baby to have a mother like you” it was horrible. I was so sad and I didn’t recognise him at all. This sweet person who had been so perfect was it of a sudden a monster. I told him that I’d rather go to my friends house the same night because I didn’t want to be near him. Again he said that if I left he would put all my stuff outside. I ended up calling the police because I felt trapped and vulnerable. He was downstairs screaming and banging stuff in the kitchen and while I don’t think he would hurt me physically I didn’t feel unsafe.
The police came and I was able to leave the house and he was told he would be arrested should he throw my stuff out.
A few days later he texted me a cold message saying if I didn’t come to pick my stuff up the next day before midnight he would throw them out and that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I told him I couldn’t come because I was too sick but he didn’t give me a choice. I went to get my stuff. Worst uber experience of my life. Had to get out 4 times to throw up. I was humiliated. He wouldn’t even let me friends help me pack and was insisting on standing outside the room with the door open. He later told me he was bluffing and would never have binned it.
I had the baby removed same week. It broke my heart but I do believe it was the best thing to do. He was nowhere to be seen. I aborted the baby I had already named alone on the bathroom floor. We did see each other a few weeks later and the idiot I am I let myself be sucked back in and we spent a few nights together. After all he put me through I still wanted him. I wanted it to work because I loved him so much.
He was the one ending it in the end because HE Couldn’t get over what happened, HE had lost all faith me because I had called he police “pretending” I was abusing him. HE has reached out to helplines like this saying HE was being abused. He left me without a job or a place to live, pregnant with his child.
Even after he broke up with me he found out I had kissed someone else and he said he had lost respect for me and was disappointed. He is so manipulative, ignorant and controlling and yet I’m still madly in love with him. I feel kinda obsessed about all this.
I truly know I’ll get over him one day because I’m rational enough to see it’s for the best but I don’t know how to get over the experience as a whole. I don’t feel my feelings are valid because I don’t even know if it’s abuse. I feel ashamed and tainted.
I hope someone will read all this and give me some insight.

[KIP.]

Hi, yes he was and is an extremely abusive person. Emotionally abuse and just really nasty and selfish. The lovely man you thought he was in the beginning was just a mask he wore to trap you. Once he had you trapped by pregnancy and living with him, the real evil man showed his true colours. Abuse leaves us confused and broken. Have you read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven? I think it would be helpful to read it and maybe contact your local women’s aid. Also speak to your GP about some counselling for yourself. Google the cycle of abuse and and power and control wheel. Trauma bonding and grooming. You’re been through a terrible experience. His gaslighting and abuse will leave you very vulnerable to him so absolutely zero contact is how to recover. Read the other posts on here too because you’re not alone and his behaviour is very typical of the cruel abusers that are often posted about. Absolutely none of this is your fault. Most decent men would be extra loving and caring during pregnancy however an abuser sees it as a weakness and seizes on our vulnerability to abuse us further. Despicable men. I hope you begin to feel stronger and although you love him, love doesn’t hurt and no amount of loving him will change him or stop him abusing you so save yourself x

[Munchkin]

I am so sorry you have gone through all that. Yes he sounds textbook!!! I have been in a very similar relationship and scenario with threats of kicking me out and the constant bullying of how stupid you are ooze stupidity what he would do to my family. They NEVER change. You have done the right thing Noname. It is a very confusing and heartbreaking time because you still live then but are grieving the loss of what you thought you were in love with. Please stay strong and stay away. Sending love and best wishes xxxxxx

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