Is it him or me this is confusing

[Goingthroughit]

Hi all I’m (detail removed by moderator) in with a child young child
Don’t know what I’m doing like others he started off great then the jealousy started thought this was because he knew I had a few u know partnerships the past he almost made me feel like I was lucky to have him having had so many exes but not in so many word it was like an unspoken thing that has now been said so confirmed it.
What he does he refuses to communicate about my feeling which he refers to as problems he gives the silent treatment and storms out.
I will admit sometimes I do go on but only because I want to sort things out I feel like we don’t get on but I’m sure what’s happened is I’ve broken they abuse cycle I’m no longer listening to him so this is why he has got worse.
Prefers me to stay at home all day waiting for him to come home instead of going to see family we all live really close if I see certain friends he won’t be happy about it and silent treatment will start he will bring up my past I can’t go to certain places he warns me if he thinks I’m looking at other men Which I swear I’m not I’m not allowed social media with my name I’m not allowed to attend certain events he doesn’t want me to work which I am going back into but that’s just gonna be so hard when my child gets sick it’s my fault I stay out to late at a relatives house and he’s going to tell the dr he has hit me but me being me I slap back there are so many things he has done and I’m sure it’s emotional abuse but I am ashamed to admit I think I love him and I’m scared I don’t mean of him and what he can do I’m scared of failing as a mother and yeah I don’t know.all this has got worse since the baby he says things like he’s superior to people and not just anyone can sit with him he makes me feel sick I laugh at him inside sometimes he always says he is leaving but has stopped saying this now because I don’t try and stop him also he does not want any more children because I’m not a good mum and I’m not a woman of the home.
Reason I think maybe I’m the problem yes like the next person I do nag a bit I am a bit fiery but I don’t want to ever hurt his feelings I feel guilt when I have upset someone and am very fast to apologise can anyone shed some light on what’s happening to me I am second guessing everything this was not me I’m very friendly I am an open person I can’t even go shop without stopping with the neighbours talking for sometimes an hour then I worry if I see a male friend because I can’t stop because if he sees us talking I’m the biggest you know what going what do I do I can’t do this anymore I’m not in danger believe me I am very strong headed and am not scared of him I just feel I’m u see some sort of spell

[Goingthroughit]

Sorry guys I didn’t use any punctuation in that paragraph

[Lisa]

Hi Goingthroughit,

Welcome to the Forum. I just wanted to show you some support here as your partner does sound very abusive. Everything you’re describing here is very common for perpetrators to do, so this won’t be anything you’re doing wrong. It’s very common for perpetrators to blame the other person for the abuse rather than accept responsibility. Very often the other person then starts to believe that she is responsible. But he alone is responsible for his actions towards you; he’s choosing to be abusive.

It’s also very common for perpetrators to be controlling/ possessive. By saying you’re looking at other men when you’re not this automatically makes you question what you’re doing to make him think that, and to make you feel like you have to apologise for it even when you’ve not done anything wrong. You’re not alone in this. By trying to isolate you from friends and family he’s trying to cut you off from your support network so you end up being more dependent on him and therefore he has more control.

It’s also incredibly abusive of him to make you feel like you’re not a good mum. By being abusive to you and causing you this stress he’s actually not being a good dad; he’s being abusive to the mother of his child. It’s again very common for domestic abuse to escalate during pregnancy or when you’ve had a child together; this is often down to a sense of ownership or entitlement.

No one can tell you what the ‘right thing’ to do here is, but you aren’t the one in the wrong. Like you’ve said if you do something wrong you feel bad about it, you question your behaviour and apologise; by the sounds of it he is blaming you for everything; that’s the difference. Please do keep reaching out for support- you might want to talk through some practical options with a Women’s Aid worker on the live chat, or connect with your local domestic abuse service for some emotional support.

Take care, and keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Goingthroughit]

Thanks Lisa
Yeah your right and I know all this it’s just nice to be reassured that I’m not going mad and it’s not me who is abusive and I think the clue is that I do feel guilt if I hurt his feelings.

what happens when and abusive controlling partner loses all control? Will they then leave I just want to be me again without this cloud of dog over me I’ve stood up for myself as I’m not scared of him or anyone but what I do feel is very confused I will go over and over every detail in the argument and lately I’m so angry with him I do snap a lot I just feel so much anger towards him I feel I do not pick a bit but that’s normal to me how do you stop loving well depending on an abusive partner I feel I know all the answers but stuck
Thanks once again

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