Is it in my head?

[Anon123456]

Hi all, I really dont know where to start. Been with my partner for many years, have 3 children together. At first things were great but it’s got to the point now if I need money I have to ask and he always needs to know why, I cant speak up for myself anymore, I moved miles away from family (his idea) and dont really have any friends as I’m always cleaning (if house isn’t clean he goes mad) I’m constantly feeling anxious, my eldest told me his dad scares him when hes angry, recently he stopped speaking to our eldest and ignored him for nearly a week, feel like I’m always walking on eggshells hes never hit me! He is controlling over everything, I get called lazy alot, I’m not allowed to work (he says it will make me ill) i dont think this is any form of abuse, its probably me, hes cheated i dont know how many times, but it’s always because something I have or havent done. I dont know I’m confused someone please tell me I’m over reacting.

[Bananaboat]

Based on what you’ve put I wouldn’t say you’re over reacting. Walking on eggshells, feeling scared/anxious at home, controlling money and involving the kids are all examples of abuse. If your best friend, or child came to you and said their partner was cheating and it was their fault not his, what would you say? Take some time to read up on this type of behaviour. Everyone recommends the same places to start, ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, living with the dominator by pat craven and/or Dr Ramani on YouTube. I hope they help.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome to the forum. From what you have said, yes, your husband is abusive. The books Bananaboat recommended are a good place to start. That’s where I started when I was in the place you are at now. Also, look up coercive control, FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) it is a cycle they keep us in. Keep posting ❤

[Chickadee]

Hi –

Emotional, Psychological abuses…… there are a few (Control, Anxiousness, Eggshells, Confusion, etc), there are a couple of things that are just marital positions between male/female in some relationships. Remember this: if your not working together on it and deciding it, then it is not control. Unless, your actually just being talked into it. For example: sometimes one person is better at managing finances and the bills, that is okay, if you both recognize it and agree to it, it’s that persons ability/skill. Someone taking everything and limiting you from getting out of a bad situation for that purpose and control, that is when it is abuse.

Now put that aside for a moment – and actually think on this –

He will not ALLOW you to work, because HE says it will make you SICK.
(THIS IS A FORM OF ABUSE TO CONTROL AND WEAKEN YOU, MAKE YOU DEPENDENT, AND LIMIT YOUR RESOURCES).

He is cheating on you and you don’t know how many times.
He is stating that he is cheating on you because of something you have done or have not done. (THIS IS BLAMING….. there is not an excuse for someone IN a relationship/marriage to cheat…….he is relieving himself of any fault…..and making you feel bad for what he did). THIS IS ABUSE. AND IT IS NOT LOVE.

Your eldest child sees it, and is afraid of him. MUM STAND UP AND PAY ATTENTION! (Both of my children’s fear of our abuser, is what grasped my attention hard)!

IT IS NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD, IT IS NOT YOU, YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING!

You should do some abuse research, especially emotional and psychological. A complex/trauma or trauma therapist, or an abuse shelter can help you with resources if you need some help. Come on here and talk to the women on here, they are great.

Think about what you want for yourself and your kids and what you want to do.

Hugs, Chickadee

[Anon123456]

Hi thanks for your replys, my son saying that is what made me look at things. I’ve started having panic attacks (only small ones) but that’s pathetic! I’ve nothing to panic about! If I leave I know my daughter will hate me (daddy’s princess) but on the same hand I dont want her thinking it’s ok. I’m so confused I dont know what to do! I feel rather pathetic.

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