Is it in my head?

[Firefly]

I have been with my husband (Detail removed by Moderator) and since being with him have had years of anxiety and low self esteem. I took control and lost weight and started to feel like me. I was becoming more confident and my friends were noticing. My husband didn’t acknowledge it at all. So after being made to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be a priority I spoke with my husband. He said he was shocked I felt like this and couldn’t imagine life without me. It took a lot of courage but I said that we needed to make an effort to go on dates etc to make time for us. He agreed. So I organised a sitter (Detail removed by Moderator) and arranged for us to go for drinks. Until I realised it was just me making the effort so I stopped organising. Nothing. So I left if for a few weeks then messaged him. Didn’t really think of it at the time but we rarely actually spoke to each other unless I initiated a conversation. In the message I said that it seems that as I hadn’t organised any dates we hadn’t had any and asked him if he wanted to continue to try and make it work. He immediately messaged (Detail removed by Moderator) and said we would be going out but when the day arrived he hadn’t organised anything. So he took me for drinks, got me drunk (which he tended to do a lot whenever we went out), and then had sex – again this only ever happened after a few drinks. I waited to see if he would organise any more and just left it. He continued not making conversation so I copied the behaviour.
Months passed, he stopped talking completely, other than text or email and we stopped sleeping in the same room. I said we needed to talk but he kept putting it off. When we did sit and talk he said I had put too much pressure on him to make it work. We agreed to separate. Since then months have passed and he won’t leave the house. He won’t talk to me unless I initiate a conversation. He won’t reply to texts or emails to do with the separation. He wouldn’t let me tell our child. He said he didn’t think we could until we had sorted arrangements but everytime I made a suggestion he would ignore it or throw an obstacle. The atmosphere at home was unbearable. He took over our child’s bedroom and our child alternated sleeping in with each of us. So I asked my husband to sort finances so we could see where we were and asked if I could get the house valued. Our finances have never been good. I have overspent and know it is my fault but have asked for us to have a budget for years and separate accounts so I could get more control and he has never helped with that. I have no idea what we have in terms of insurances etc as he has organised it all. And I was happy to as he is older and knew more about what was needed. He drew up a spreadsheet eventually and it showed that he would be able to afford to stay in home but I wouldn’t.
I went to citizens advice, and mediation and tried to find out my options – they all seemed concerned but couldn’t give me any advice so I took the courage to see a solicitor and started divorce proceedings. I messaged him to let him know and once he got the letter he started sitting in my seat, commanding the downstairs space so one evening when I got home and had got our child in the bath I felt so uncomfortable I ate my dinner on the stairs whilst talking to my child as I couldn’t bear to be in the same space as him.
I have had the house valued and emailed him with it but he hasn’t responded. I am waiting to hear from my solicitor. I feel trapped. Its been nearly (Detail removed by Moderator) of living like this and it is not healthy. I can’t leave as have nowhere to go and no money. I can’t claim for anything as our finances still joint until financial disclosure is done which scares the life out of me because I know it is my fault we are in debt. I have spoken with our child as couldn’t lie any longer but only as much as wanted to know.
Is this emotional abuse or is it me? Is it my behaviour that is abusive? I hate feeling like the bad guy. He is religious and has always put that first – he is seen as a good guy so I know people won’t believe me. His family have cut me out completely. No contact. When (Detail removed by Moderator) passed he didn’t even message my mum his condolences and I had to ask him to look after our child despite him being off on day of funeral.
My doctor is worried for me and am seeing her again in a few weeks.
He wants to take my child away to another county for (Detail removed by Moderator) but when he has taken him before he has only ever responded to my messages with one word answers – no communication. The thought of not being in communication with my child scares me.
I just feel blocked on everything – I have tried to take control but nothing is being done.

Sorry for the length and if waffley…I haven’t covered everything but worried it just in my head

[maddog]

He sounds really controlling, Firefly. While you are making every effort to communicate he is stonewalling you. This is never an attractive trait. Religion worn as a cloak of piety is often an excuse for abuse. It is horrible having god rammed down your throat as they try to justify their behaviour.

Please do NOT let him take your child out of the country. Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? Rights Of Women is also fantastic and you may find relevant information on their website.

My ex took forever to get the message and move out. His behaviour has been vile. He really didn’t want to let go. Even now he thinks he can just come marching into the house unannounced. I have told him not to do that. Oh the entitlement of these people.

This is not your fault. He is manipulating you into thinking it is. It is not in your head. No no no!

[Firefly]

Thank you so much for replying. I haven’t spoken to anyone other than Solicitor and Dr really but some of my closer friends have said I should as they said it sounds emotionally abusive. Have always say but am doing same but then I guess I do initiate conversations whereas he just texts or gets our child to ask me.
I meant County not Country…I have his passport.
He earns (Detail removed by Moderator) more than me so can afford to move but wont. He has access to a (Detail removed by Moderator) home (Detail removed by Moderator) minutes away but both he and his family have claimed it isn’t possible.

[maddog]

It’s brilliant that you have been able to speak to your gp.
Quite early on in my relationship with my ex I got smacks that he was abusing me. I had moments when I thought our sex life didn’t include consent and plenty of times when I felt like a thing with holes in it. There were times when I thought, I think he just raped me. I swept them under the carpet for years. I loved him and was in complete denial. It was the police who persuaded him to get out in the end.

As well as Women’s Aid the police are often the most helpful people to contact and can put you in touch with the other services that can help you. Don’t go through this alone.

[Firefly]

Draft petition has been sent and am really anxious about the response to this. 😔
I don’t think I can go to the police as he hasn’t done anything.
Am glad you are out of that situation @Maddog.

[Author]

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