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You don’t really feel you have any control, you feel like a prostitute or a toy with holes in it? When you are being told where to put this bit of you or that bit of you? When you are told to stop talking, or turn off the radio? When you feel that there isn’t a way out?
I have had more bad sex with my husband than I can shake a stick at, and I know he has broken my boundaries, telling me it’s his way of showing affection when he has woken me up with his erect penis poking around, and his fingers and his revolting fingernails in my vagina.
We have been to loads of marriage guidance which probably helped me to trust him again, then it would start again.
I really am struggling to articulate this.
My husband is ok as long as he is getting his way. He used to say he was used to doing things on his own. I think he meant everything, including sex.
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I am in a new relationship with a new (non abusive) man. I can’t articulate what my ex (abuser) did to me. I am not even sure that I can remember accurately. All I could tell my new partner was that I had learned how to dissociate during sex, and that I didn’t want to do that with him. He just looked at me and said “That’s not sex. There is another word for that. It’s not a very nice word. But it isn’t sex.” It made me realise how much I internalised blame, but also that actually men can tell the difference between freely and unfreely given consent. That a non abusive man would never make you feel like that, and if you did feel like that they would support you to feel safe and happy before they would even consider putting sex back on the table. I didn’t even have to talk about it with my new partner. I am trying to, because I think it will help me, but he knows that I have been hurt in the past and that therefore I need to take things at my pace, so my pace is the one we are going at. I don’t have to tell him why. I don’t have to justify how I feel.
What you are describing is not bad sex. The word is rape.
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It’s a strong word, Rape. I have been raped and it was horrible. What my husband has done has not felt the same, so I guess I thought it was ok. My husband’s ‘normal’ way of showing affection is as I have described. I thought it was a quirk and that it would improve. I have had flashes when I have thought, oh that felt like rape, or there’s something really really wrong here. Really wrong. The arguments have been dreadful. He has always had to be in the right, leaving me in no uncertain terms to put up and shut up.
He has not touched me now for a very long time. He has never tried to make amends. Ever.
I have brought up the subject of rape. He has told me not to be so stupid. Of course he’d never do anything like that. His experience is clearly very, very different to mine.
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My ex also told me he would never ever rape me. It was something he repeated so strongly and often that it took me longer to recognise this as rape than it did anything else. I don’t know if I have blanked out anything worse, but I know that he put his fingers in me without consent. I know that I stopped letting him spoon me at night because I would wake up with his fingers in me. I allowed it to be just him being bad at foreplay for almost a year after I left. Of course he wouldn’t have done it to hurt me. He was just ill informed and clumsy in his physical affection. I would have sex with him just to get his fingers out of me. At least that didn’t hurt as badly. It wasn’t until there was a possibility of ending up in bed with another man that I realised how much those fingers had traumatized me. The idea of anyone doing that to me again is traumatizing.
No one I have told has had any doubt of what to call this experience. I had something inside me that I didn’t want. That is rape. It might not be the worst and most violent type of rape. I can imagine worse. It could be worse. But that doesn’t mean what I experienced wasn’t bad enough to call it rape.
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I have spoken to the police about my husband’s behaviour. They NFA’d it. I asked them not to speak to him as I feared he would become even more terrifying. Still under the same roof and he is being horrible at every available opportunity.
One of my dogs doofed me in the crotch with her foot when she was having a stretch. I was shocked by my reaction.
I used to curl up and hope my husband wouldn’t poke me when I was asleep.
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It’s not!
When I did the video interview, the officer asked if I slept naked. I responded yes. I did not add that my husband expected me to sleep naked. I barely scratched the surface.
The officer dealing with my husband asked if I had under-reported. I said yes.
When you are curled up in a ball on the edge of the bed, it is not an open invitation.
My husband flatly denies raping anyone. It has come up again and again. He told me his former wife was frigid and curled up on the edge of the bed. A woman I knew told me he had groped her. I remember her telling him, but I have no idea what happened.
My toes are curling when I think of his behaviour, and I can feel his penis shoving against my vagina as a wake up call. It happened so often that it became normal. Through the door, into the hallway, but not through the house, so I guess he thought it didn’t count.
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This is it.. I don’t think my husband forced me to go to bed naked. It was an unspoken rule. Before I met him, I always wore nightclothes, and now I am free to wear what I like in bed, I love my pyjamas. As with everything else, I normalised it, and believed I had no choice.
WA and ISVA appts next week, so will see what they say.
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I started feeling like a prostitute. I would cry after sex. He knew I didn’t want to do it but he would make me feel so bad for saying no and said I’m his wife and it’s what you do to show love. When I cryed he rolled over and said see I knew you would enjoy it too much. Sometimes he would even offer me money to treat myself if I let him have sex with me. I.never knew it was sexual abuse until the police said it was.
I always woke up to his erect penis sticking in my back and his fingers wondering where I didn’t want them to be. I used to go bed early and pretend to be asleep so I didn’t have to have sex -
Surviving, I had the same. He told me that I was his wife and that’s how he showed love. I too often woke up to find his erect penis rubbing against my back or at my vagina, and his fingers poking around. I told the police about him picking up bits of me to please bits of him.
I have blocked so much out. I think my husband may have raped me time and time again. At the moment I am really struggling to articulate it.
Before I met my husband I had consensual sex, and I think I have an understanding of what it means. I have been raped, more than once, but the first time was such a long time ago, and it was at a party. I have no idea who, or where. I crashed out at a party and when I woke up my bottom half was missing.
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I only reported recently a rape that happened decades ago. I did a video interview and my mind went completely blank. I think my mind is good at going blank. I must have swept so much under the carpet.
I didn’t report anything sooner because I had forgotten about it. It was only when a woman reminded me that my husband had groped her that I remembered, and remembered hearing really dodgy things about the man. It’s horrible dealing with all these memories, but I hope in the end it will be cathartic. It is almost as though when you have been limping along and someone offers you a chance to stop limping and be able to dance although it may be hard work. I would love to be able to dance!
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There have been times in our relationship when I’ve thought, I think he’s raped me. Of course I swept these feelings firmly under the carpet. The horror of remembering is mashing my head. I may not have thought any more of it had the dog not doofed me in the crotch with her paw.
It is horrible, remembering all the times I pretended my husband was someone I liked. That had I not helped myself along what my husband did would have hurt. I was compliant. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. Right now, I am thinking I allowed him to do as he did. I didn’t scream. I didn’t kick him. I didn’t know what the hell to do. I just let him get on with it.
He told me again and again that it was his way of showing affection and I wanted to believe him. Prod prod prod.
I am screaming inside. What have I done?
My husband didn’t force himself on me. Not in the way that it happened before. He wasn’t telling me that it is what I wanted. He wasn’t telling me that I’d done it loads of times before. So although I found his behaviour odd and I didn’t like having things unexpectedly shoved into me and at me, I believed him most of the time.
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Rape with coersive control is different to violent rape. Harder to recognise I think – we are so used to having boundaries violated by then, and they gaslight you into remembering things differently. I definitely didn’t react in the way I would have expected myself to if I was being raped. In fact, because all of the rape in y case started with unwanted fingering I often offered sex in order to escape it. Not really logical. This man just raped me in my sleep, I will have sex with him to make it better! Hardly the reaction that I would hope for, but it is what happened. All I can do now is deal with the aftermath.
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The unwanted poking and penis prodding and fingering is absolutely vile. Totally without consent. He just helped himself. He told me that it was his way of showing affection and that I was his wife. I knew he would be angry. I tried years ago to be diplomatic and I asked him to at least make sure I was awake. Needless to say he took no notice. It was as though he’d go into the hallway with his penis but not through the house. I believe he thought it didn’t count. I’ve got a busy time now with solicitors, WA, rape counselling, the police to report the earlier rape. I know they are only interested in the former man. I will see what the counsellor and WA say, and decide if and when it might be sensible to go back to the police about my husband.
My husband presents himself as kind and normal. He is plausible. He is a very plausible liar. He has lied to the police several times. What he says about himself doesn’t match who he is. I will be well rid.
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My husband wasn’t physically violent. It was more a total lack of choice. Total lack of communication. Just the waking up to this thing. So much of our sex life was a bit like mansplaining. Being done at, not with. He often masterbated in front of me, picking up bits of me to help him along. Sometimes he would ejaculate over me.
I have no great plans for a new relationship. I’m not sure if I would cope without screaming.
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My ex has put me off wanting another relationship. Never know what you are going to get as they all seem nice at first. I really don’t like sex anymore I went off it years ago which is why I always did it with my ex to stop him being horrible to me. I just cryed after everytime. It became a chore that I didn’t want to do. Like a never ending nightmare.it was the police that told me it was abuse but they didn’t do anything about it. I just got to except and learn from it.
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It sounds absolutely horrible, Surviving. I really hope you are getting the right support to help you through this. I found the police were very different when I reported the historic rape. Although I had blocked it from my mind, they seem to take it far more seriously than the domestic stuff. The officer in charge of the domestic stuff asked me if I thought I’d under-reported and I said yes. I have never ever discussed my sex life with anyone, so really didn’t have the language or any way of describing what happened, blow by blow. Bits of what happened are creeping back, and so too are the horrible things that happened in my marriage. Bleugh.
The main support now though is coming from the historic rape. Strange, that.
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I just had a really horrible feeling. Was talking to my neice about ages a girl should stop bathing with her dad. Something came to me that I did think back when together.
Sounds gross lol but when you have sex and a man has that orgasm face (sorry if it sounds weired) sometimes when he sat my daughter on his lap and bounced her up and down alot he had that face I wonder now if he used to get off on bouncing her on his lap. Could be nothing but he is a bit weired and when he was (Detail removed by moderator) girls as that’s the age group he used to hang around with -
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I told cafcass about the under age girls. They ignored it. I mentioned the bouncing her and his face used to worry me but that too was ignored as unfortunately we had a cafcass officer all for fathers rights. Hence why he got shared care of my little one but not the older ones as they refused and told of the abuse.
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Few months ago my little one said they went swimming and took his teenage neice and he had the neice in his changing room with him and my daughter and also they all slept in bed together. I reported it to social services and they said it wasn’t right but then he showed a letter (Detail removed by moderator) from social services saying there was no concern and the teenagers mum was fine with it. (Detail removed by moderator) said people get undressed on a beach every day. I don’t want my daughter thinking it’s ok to undress infront of a grown man. To me that wasn’t normal. If I undressed infront of my teenage nephew she would kill me and vise versa.
The services these days are putting kids at risk I think -
Please go back to WA and hopefully they can help you get your ducks in a row. It may be worth asking them too about referral to SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre).
I know that what I reported to the police was far more revolting than what I originally told them. I don’t know yet whether I will go back again. At the moment I am getting divorced. My lawyer has let me down (not her fault but really annoying). My mum has died and my STBX is being awful. Just awful. I want to scream and stamp my feet about but I’m a bit too old for that! Frustration…
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I just feel so so stupid that I stayed with my husband. He was waving so many red flags right from the start. He could have been made in a red flag factory. It was all there right from the beginning, including his warped attitude to sex. He told me. He told me how his wife curled up in a ball. He told me about the prostitutes, his entitlement to a sex life. He told me about a narrow escape of an STI. He told me he was free of STIs because of some horrible thing which he inflicted on his then wife. He made absolutely sure that condoms couldn’t work when I told him at the beginning I wanted him to use them.
I had flashes of abuse early on. I had flashes of being raped, not violently, but absolutely without consent. He was vile to me from the beginning, then appeared normal.
What have I done???? I feel so so so so stupid.
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I met him young and he said he never had a girlfriend before and the only sexual contact he had was with a couple of (Detail removed by moderator) year old girls when he was (Detail removed by moderator). Why on earth did I think it was ok to be with someone like that. Then he started physicly abusing my older kids and yet I still stayed because I was scared to leave. He even let his friend physically and mentally hurt our son and me
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He sounds like he stepped out of hell. You poor thing. I am sorry.
I wasn’t at all young and my husband is just old enough to be my father. There’s an age gap. His former family really have nothing to do with him.
I thought, good, he has responsibility, a family, a house, a car that works, a job. I couldn’t believe that he had no friends or close family. I understand now why he doesn’t. He gets along with people, just alongside, but he hates them, especially women.
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It is one thing to get changed on the beach. It is not behind closed doors. There is usually a bit more space and more people around. It is also easier to run away.
My husband hated having anyone in bed apart from me. I sometimes wonder if this is just in case he wanted a grope and picked the wrong person.It’s the groping, the poking, the prodding, the total lack of consent, and the sense of entitlement my husband has that bothers me. The need to control everything. The use of me as a masterbatory tool.
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