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    • #129462
      Tryingtofindhope
      Participant

      I thought I had moved on from my feelings of doubting myself but this week I feel so confused again. I’ve been wondering if he really is as bad as I think or if I’m over thinking things. Its like now I’ve recognised that there has been abuse in the past, I over analysing everything he says and does. I feel sure that all of his “positive” actions and words are only said or done for his own benefit. Am I being unfair?
      I still see control in most things that he says/does and feel that hes just masking it as something else.
      Also I can’t help feeling like he is really high maintenance both physically and mentally. He always has something wrong that he wants me to “fix”. As his wife should I not want to help him? I do know now that I cant fix him in terms of his mental issues, only he can do that. I talking more phyical things. He always seems to have a pain that needs my attention, or some other ailment that he wants me to do something about, (instead of going to a Dr. because “they cant help him”) even though after years of me doing the same thing, its not getting any better. Am I being an insensitive, unsupportive wife?

    • #129464
      KIP.
      Participant

      The confusion you feel comes from the abuse. You shouldn’t feel confused in an equal supportive relationship. He has you running after him because he feels in control that way. It’s okay to not engage with him and his physical ailments, that’s what doctors are for and if you’re scared to say no to him then there is a big problem there and it’s abuse. It sounds more like he’s setting you up so that when you refuse that’s his opportunity to make you feel insensitive. Keep a journal and read about the cycle of abuse. Don’t think about his feelings and actions, think about yours. Are you changing yourself to suit him and avoid conflict. Is he gaslighting and manipulating?

    • #129465
      gettingtired
      Participant

      My boyfriend is the same; always has some sort of ailment to complain about (but never really takes responsibility himself or sorts it out, just usually moans about his GP). I honestly don’t think they want to resolve things, I think they want to be able to blame and accuse us. I’m constantly told I’m not supportive of him yet in reality everything is about him. Kip’s right, if you’re scared to say no to him then that’s a huge problem (I know I am). Keep journalling and posting on the forum for support x

    • #129466
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Ive had tbe same thoughts just lately when they are nice iys so easy to pretend to yourself or tell yourself that he is not as bad as you may think but this is all part of their abuse cause if they were nasty all the time maybe youd leave sooner? He is making you feel like you have to stay cause he cant cope without you and dispite his problems he is a grown man of course he will cope but he wants to keep you close, under his power. It really isnt you. Talk to womans aid keep posting read why does he do that to understand him more. Stay safe xxxx

    • #129467
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Tryingtofind hope your not insensitive at all , if he’s not got actual health issues he may have victim mentality whether conscious or unconscious, a lot of the women if not all on this forum are highly empathetic and it leaves us prey to people who are troubled and constantly need us to make them feel better it causes a kind of codependency and it’s really draining I wouldn’t be surprised if you feel worn out half the time we think as kind caring women we have to keep helping and fixing all the time but it’s just not healthy , I don’t know the full details of your hubby or if there is an undiagnosed health condition going on , but it does sound like he is enjoying way to much syphoning off your attention and care at your expense , it does sound like your really fed up and victim playing partners are harder to distinguish from the aggressive abuser ones but they are damaging , ive attracted a lot of alcoholic/ drug user types in the past and if I could have my time over again I would let them be and find they’re own way , there’s only so much you can do before it becomes detrimental to your own health and well-being , do take care of yourself though x x x

      • #129652
        Tryingtofindhope
        Participant

        Thank you for this. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think its because hes not physically abusive or outright nasty even, its so hard for other people to see the damage hes doing to me. I have even become blind to it myself some days and think its really not that bad, especially when he has a knack at changing moods to Mr Nice all of a sudden.
        Well it didnt last long. Hes back to punishing me by being in one of his moods and refusing to talk to me about it because (detail removed by moderator). All because i rejected his advances (detail removed by moderator). My anxiety has sky rocketed again not knowing how he will be when he gets home but I refuse to be pulled into his games this time. Im too drained

    • #129653
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @tryingtofindhope my goodness am with you today sweetie. Its the constant batting between believeing they are as bad as we think to no hes not at all bad that drives me insane. One day im feeling strkng and can take on the world then days like today i just wish I hadnt woke up at all. That gut wrenching feeling when hes in a mood and the weekend is arriving and you gotta try even harder to pretend to try and be the wife he wants and expects its exhausting right?
      Sending you so much hugs keep strong keep believing in yourself you are most certainly not alone x

      • #129654
        Tryingtofindhope
        Participant

        Im so sorry you are feeling this too. Its awful isnt it? I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but i have to keep being strong for my kids. We have a family holiday coming up and im just dreading it. (detail removed by moderator) so far ive refused but i know he will be impossible when we go.
        Look after yourself and stay strong xx

      • #129656
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @tryingtofindhope yep (detail removed by moderator) we are away too and i wont have this site to help me through as we have no internet so am utterly dreading it too. Some days this is just too hard but still we rise. Hang in there sweetie keep talking keep trying to reach out and stay safe hugs x

      • #129659
        Tryingtofindhope
        Participant

        Oh you poor thing. You too. Take care xx

      • #129674
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        It’s toxic for you a lot of us have questioned , is it really that bad , is it me? But how your feeling from now and before you met this person says a lot it’s kind of emotional vampirism and there are victim playing narcissists , taking care of someone and doing and giving all the time when it’s not balanced back becomes a parasitic relationship , I know a lot of us including me has energy shifts when we come out of it , I hope you make the decision that’s right and better for you 💗🧡💗

    • #129852
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I ask myself over and over again is it me. I spoke to a lady at womens aid and I said to her I’ve brought all this awful stuff happening in this relationship on myself because I’m so rubbish at dealing with life’s challenges so perhaps it is my fault. If I’m rubbish at dealing with stuff I then need to talk it over with him because as the saying goes a problem shared is a problem halved . There is only one problem he will tell me (detail removed by moderator). I’m feeling teary while I write this. I’m such an idiot. I can’t do anything right ever . Sorry.

    • #129853
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Majority of my life I’ve been told I’m dealing with everything wrong . It’s rubbish when someone tells you that you are dealing with something wrong Majority of the time. So you do question yourself over and over is it just me. Some people just know how to set you up into making it so you end up asking yourself is it me . I think that’s what they want . They will deny that obviously they always do .

    • #129926
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’ve thought things over . I should never have blamed him . I am an idiot . How stupid am I . Yes he did say all those terrible things . I got what I deserved.

    • #129940
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Yes its definitely me .

    • #129941
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I Don’t think that about the other people on here. Lots of people on this forum are going through far far worse. So yes its definitely me. Thank you for your time though.

    • #129996
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi sorry its me again. I’ve spoke to a lovely lady who seems to think it’s not me . It is him . I’m sorry but I was solely convinced it was me . I can’t apologise enough. It has made me feel better that it is not my imagination. I think blaming myself was probably wrong . When your thoughts are all over the place its easy to get muddled.

    • #130021
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hey
      In One of Dr Ramani’s videos, its about recognizing abuse. The biggest indicator is confusion.
      I am/was confused all the time.
      I left now and its been about a week, I think the confusion is starting to get better. I really hope. Because its been 5 goes at leaving now.

      The thing is when i met him i was in a terrible place and i have actually improved myself alot since being with him. He thinks he has had something to do with this. My manager told me the other day how amazing i was doing etc and my partner only told me ‘(removed by moderator)’.
      I wonder if it was just me and my career that helped me improve myself.

      I think the fact that he will literally say something mean one second, then the next be really nice and loving is the worst.
      My partner is also always having some sort of ailment, he never looks after himself and will constantly say he’s going to the doctor the next day(and i have to rearrange my plans because he would have the car) then he just never goes!
      I felt like its his excuse to sit on the couch and make me do everything.
      Also to make me feel sorry for him and want to take care of him, he will use puppy dog eyes and act all sweet and innocent and its hard to resist.
      I ended up getting really ill a few times because i never got any rest.
      Xx

    • #130024
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      This forum is so useful. My partner also does the ailment thing, gets my sympathy, but then never goes to the doctor and makes me cancel if he has an appointment. I’m glad you realised it’s not you, I was really worried for you mid thread.

    • #130106
      Gruss
      Participant

      I was or still is in the same situation as you. And yes, he is emotionally abusive. It range from denial, anger and disbelief. No one wants to believe that they’re being abused. Stonewalling, silent treatment and gaslighting is in no way of treating someone you claim to love. He makes me feel worthless and shell of a person. Yet I know he’s emotionally abusing me despite having read about it but I see how caring he is and how he goes out of his way to care for us. But does it have to be so controlled at a point of suffocation? Now that I know how to identify the red flags he’s becoming aggressive by raising his voice and to rocking up at places without me having to tell him where I was and knows what I’m discussing on my phone. It really scares me. One day I feel ready to pack then the next I feel sorry for him despite knowing that I’m being abused, lied and cheated on. I sound pathetic reading my texts yet I’ve entrapped myself. How to I become self reliant and confident? I’ve believed the lies for (detail removed by Moderator) years and I’m not kind or loving towards myself. I feel so sad

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