Is it just me……

[mixed-up mum]

I have noticed for some time now that in the week before my period I get very ‘panicky’ – I really start to feel as if everything is getting on top of me – I feel like I’m not coping, like I’m not a good mum, and I’m letting my kids down.

I feel like I’m on this big wall at trying to get to the top and climb over – and when I do get over everything is going to be alright, and evething will be wonderful, and I will be so happy and have no more worries – BUT I never get to the top – just when I think I’m getting close and I CAN do it this time, I have further to climb, and further to climb, up and up I keep going……dunno if you get how I’m feeling, but this is honestly the best way I can describe how it feels.

It’s just a hopeless, desperate feeling, feels like a scary nightmare……I want to wake up from…..but never do.

When I feel like this I feel as if normal daily life becomes way too much to cope with and handle – maybe it’s just a sort of depression, but at other times of the month it does not feel so bad and I manage to cope better.

Today and for days now it has rained and I have not been able to get washing out – so right at this moment I don’t in fact know if my son actually has clean jeans for school tomorrow – that makes me a bad mum.

When we lived with my abuser he decided everything – when we got up – when we went to bed – what we ate, and when we ate etc….but now that we are free I like to ‘push the boundaries’ of what most people would consider ‘normal’ life!!!!!

I like to stay up late ( hence me posting this at gone 3am!!!!
I like to have a long lie in at weekends (and I have teenagers so they are never up either!!!!) So sometimes we lay on to 11am or later – then we might not have lunch until between 3&4pm and or tea then would be 8 or 9pm ( some of you may be shocked at how we live – no structure to our day) BUT the plain and simple truth is we live this way now BECAUSE WE CAN!!!!!!!

We are now FREE to CHOOSE what we do and when we do it at long last!!!

To some of you it may seem a bit ‘dysfunctional’ the way we live – but others of you will understand the JOY of being FREE!!!!

So I have not taken the time today to see if my son has clean jeans ( I know he has plenty of everything else) but I just feel like a bad mum for not making sure he has clean jeans….

I am generally a very unorganised/untidy person.
I guess that too stems from the fact that when we lived with HIM I had to make sure things were as HE liked them done, and expected them to be done – NOW I no longer have to run around making sure things were done before he got home – making sure everything was as he wanted it to be….I free to make the choice NOT to do something if I don’t want to do it…..and that feels SO GOOD!!!!!

BUT at the same time because our lifestyle is so ‘free and easy’ that maybe in a way too does add to my feelings of panic and distress – and feelings of not coping with life in general – but the ‘rebellious’ part of me does not want to ‘conform to the norm’!!!!!
I like being a ‘free spirit’!!!!

A part of would still like to have a spotlessly clean home and a perfectly organised life – but I will NEVER be that way – I’m no ‘Stepford Wife’!!!!!

So what’s your view on all of this – any answers/advice gratefully accepted.

Thank you – Mixed-up Mum. x*x

[mixed-up mum]

By the way – I have two other recent posts that might explain more about me – (one in ” is this abuse” called ” how did I let this go on for so long” and one in “life after an abusive relationship” called ” the one thing I miss”.

Those will tell you bit more about who I am……

x*x

[Serenity]

Hi Mixed Up Mum,

When my abuser lived here, I was scared to serve up dinner late, I kept the house spotless for fear of being berated and also to try to keep some kind of order in my life with a man who could throw is into chaos at the drop of a hat.

I also think yours is a healthy and understandable rebellion against his dictatorship and – apart from this- your body probably needs the extra rest after your traumatic experience of living with an abuser!

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Serenity- that you for reading my post and for your reply.

When we live with a controlling man – we do what we have to do in order to keep on going….

But I’m X years down the line now – I should be ‘recovered’ by now…..

[Maggie]

Hi mixed up mum,
I so completely get where your coming from, dont beat yourself up, you have gone from a controlling relationship and your just rebelling, nothing wrong in that we have all done that, theres no hard and fast rules, i kinda live each day as it comes, as for the lie ins serenity is right you dont realise how physically and emotionally drained you are and how much rest you need to recover. Xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Maggie – thank you for reading my post, and fo your reply.

It’s good to hear from someone else who lives a day at a time and takes each day as it comes – we very much live like that – I do try as much as possible not to ‘live by the clock’ and just do what we want when we want – eg – our evening meal is NEVER EVER at a ‘set’ time – we eat when we feel like it, or when it’s ready, whichever is first!!!!

[Lisa]

Hi mixed up mum

There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ family and it sounds great that you are all feeling so relieved and free that you are enjoying sleeping more and doing what you want. So what if you eat a little late and sleep a little more, enjoy it.

As for you feeling a great sense of doom during your period, I think it is completely normal for women to feel low or more irritable during their cycle and I think that sometimes any emotions that you have in the back of your mind come out and are exaggerated. However, if this is causing you to feel anxious and having a big impact on you then it would probably be a good idea to go and see your doctor. There might be something they can give you to help alleviate how you are feeling.

After what you have been through it is completely normal to have some negative emotions but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Take control of this like you have the rest of your life. Don’t lose sight of everything you have accomplished.

Best wishes

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Lisa – and thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I dunno there is just a tiny part of me feels like its ‘wrong’ to live like we do, we should ‘conform’ and live like ‘normal’ people do – our lifestyle is quite different from most of you I expect??

I seem to feel I’m at my worst the week before my period – I guess in the ‘olden days’ that would have been called PMT!!!!
Other times of the month I feel more able to cope. I do indeed get anxious, but I really don’t want to be put on medication, and I try and stay away from Doctors at all costs!!!!

To be honest I dont feel like I have control over ANY part of my life, and I don’t really feel as if I have accomplished much……

[Falling Skys]

Hi Mixed up Mum

The doctors are keeping me on the pill longer than I should be so I’m not at risk from my abuser (we are at the same address till we sale) as the week before my period I’m stressy.

I wasn’t allow to choose what I would eat, load the dishwasher, watch what I liked on telly, and have been sent to bed as well as many other things.

I have started to cook again and lovely it trouble is I have made to much and now working my way through the freezer.

Roll on to I have my own front door. xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Falling Skys, thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply to it.

I think you are amazing for living with him until the house sells – that must be so difficult, its hard to move on when you are still living with him.

Let’s hope one day very soon you WILL be free – free to do whatever you want – whenever you want!!!!

Good luck – hope it happens soon!!!!

[foggyhere]

Me too. First week I was all like “wow, I can have what I want for dinner, I can watch what I want on TV, I don’t have to drive 50 Mike round trips because he doesn’t like public transport (we have two cars, he is insured on both). My daughter and I ate chocolate for breakfast!!

I’m getting cross with myself now. It’s almost as though I have a version of him in my head. Definitely some kind of rebellion going on here – the house is a tip and I don’t care, and the fridge has food in it that I don’t especially like, but I know he hates. I do need to sort myself out a bit – going to run out of clean pants at this rate. But it is good fun!

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Foggy – thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply to it.

It’s a good feeling to CHOOSE to live in a mess if you want to!!!!

Best get the undies in the wash eh!!! 😉

Its all good fun indeed thanks for making me smile!!!! 🙂

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I think when we leave we cant beleive how much we were controlled and to do just nothing sometimes actually feels nice, isnt it lovely waking up when we want to, sleep when we want to , eat when we want, wear what we want, its sign of peace and it feels brill, u not bad mum for not checking if your son has clean jeans, like u said your kids r teen, the best thing about being away from abusers is having the mental peace that they snatched, enjoy your peace and freedom sounds like u and kids r all so much happier , as for your periods i think our body is just over emotional when we on, my body actually is adapting now i am away from him, i found when i was on period whilst living with ex i had to be on extra guard to control myself as he would use it as an excuse to fight and blame on me cause i was on my period everything was even more my fault , i used to actually pretend i wasn’t on period just to prove point that i was fine when im on period it was him, even now i have left him i am actually so tearful when im due on as i dont have to control myself to pretend that it hits me more, but slowly even that i am getting better and not so tearful so again its our body adapting to being away from them

[Scaredandlonely]

Im in the opposite situation. Id love to cook and clean and get out and about but hes taken over all of that so i cant do anything and cant go anywhere. I never get any time without him, even to make a phone call. I dont get to go out with my kids without him (id love some time just me and them as when im around him im really down and quiet) im so scared to take a step to freedom as he says he will take the kids. He has convinced me im selfish and evil for wanting to leave. Im a wreck.

[Lisa]

Hi Scaredandlonely,

Please do try and find a safe time to phone the helpline. They will not tell you what to do but they might help you to try and see that you do have options. Your situation sounds very stressful and unhappy and you and the children do not deserve it. Your husband is really stifling your potential to be happy so please reach out to some help that is on offer.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Hi there, I can appreciate the feeling of being free to do things when you want but I thinks a kind of routine is not always a bad thing. You can have a routine like eating at 6pm so that you can all sit down as a family. Knowing that there is no pressure or abusive repercussions if someone’s late (dinner goes in microwave). It might make you feel a little more in control. Loss of control and routine wasn’t good for me initially. Also, I firmly believe that even after years of separation I still get stuck in the same cycle of abuse. Emotionally. It’s usually being really really happy that triggers emotions of walking on egg shells, high alert, anxiety. Then eventually I hit an emotional brick wall. Pick myself up, carry on till I feel happy, then that feeling like he’s going to pull the rug from under me. Maybe feeling ‘low’ during your period, which is normal, can be triggering old feelings? Just an idea x

[Anonymous]

Yours sounds like a nice healthy household. Its nice you are doing what you want. I stay awake because I have to so I am frequently awake at stupid o clock waiting for him to sleep. The cycle thing I refer to mine as suicide week as my mood drops so low. Fortunately i know what it is and just wait for it to end but everything you have said i can relate to.

Reading your post I would say who cares about mess and being untidy you are your own person, now is the time to enjoy it, the housework can wait till another time. Good on you for getting out.

[Author]

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