Is it me?

[Bonnie22]

Hi everyone,

I’m new on here, I left my husband almost (detail removed by Moderator) ago now and it seems the further away from the relationship I am, the more I’m doubting the things that happened and it’s making me doubt myself and my own perception of events.

He often questioned my sanity saying I was mental and made out that I was either over reacting, or too sensitive for simply saying how I felt.

He monitored the time that I spent with friends and family to the point where I suddenly feel really alone, like I have no friends.

There was constant criticism and belittling which started off behind closed doors but over time happened in front of others and occasionally quite publicly.

The more I am typing this the more I can see that it wasn’t right, but I am doubting myself so much.

I am going through such a range of feelings and a lot are guilt and embarrassment and I feel like I’ve failed at marriage.

Initially I felt relieved that I left but now I feel like I’ve overreacted and it’s totally overwhelming and it’s hit me like a bus.

I just wondered if anyone else had similar experiences of feeling like this? Is this normal?

Thank you x

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome and yes 100% I went through this. I experienced initial euphoria and relief, then numbness, followed by doubts. It’s a rollercoaster in itself and I’ve read posts from lots of others on here who have been through the same. I’m no expert but some of the things making us feel like this are the trauma bond – breaking this is hard and it’ll constantly try to pull you back in linking closely with cognitive dissonance where our brain excuses the bad & remembers the good. Throw in a good mix of chemical / hormonal addiction and your body is detoxing, so just like a drug addict your body is craving and trying to convince you to get another hit. Throw in the fact you’re going through a break up, even for right reasons, you’re still grieving the loss of what was/could’ve been, all mixed in with a big dollop of complete loss of self confidence and self image (who on earth are we?! What on earth do we like doing) not to mention the fact we’ve been pulled away from family & friends (and those things aren’t easy to build), it’s no wonder you feel the way you do.

But, keep reminding yourself of why you left. If you have a journal or reminders of the bad times, revisit it. Read posts on here and you’ll think ‘my ex did that’.

[Anonymous]

Thank you Bananaboat, this is a very good post. I too read up about trauma bonding, and it’s very scary, but I recognised myself in this pattern, which was even more scary. It’s a proper addiction. I never understood how powerful addictions are.

[strongestperson]

Hey Bonnie,

I am new on here too. I have recently split with my partner of (detail removed by Moderator) years. He left, much to my relief, about (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He has already found a new “victim” who I feel really sad for, as he is repeating the exact same behaviour as he did with me at the start………the loving posts on social media, the lavish gifts, the trips away…..all too much, too soon…….all which I saw at the time as a warning sign but tried to deny.
I, like you Bonnie, am doubting myself. Was it me not being grateful, not appreciating him. Did I imagine the controlling behaviour. Him insisting he had passwords to all my emails/social media. Him insisting that he “sees” me every time he calls (now I realise not to see me, but just to be certain of my whereabouts!). His jealousy over time I spent with family and friends, so that it became easier for me to cut off contact.
I see all this now. I saw it all at the time but tried to deny it. And like you Bonnie, now I am questioning myself if it really was that bad.
But I feel like a fool. I feel sick to my stomach that he is starting it all again with somebody new. I am glad he is gone and desperately trying to move on. But why oh why is it so hard? Why I am awake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and yet so so tired and exhausted. I have had years of insomnia. years of walking on eggshells.
Friends have said I a the strongest person they know. So why did I let a man treat me this way.
Please ladies on here, please help me. I know you have all been through hard times. I desperately need to know I am not alone. I need to know I am not mad.Why do I have still have this awful feeling that something bad is going to happen?

[Author]

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