Is it me?

[Sungirl]

I feel confused by my husband. I have separated from him twice now, and we’ve got back together. He has outbursts of anger and shouts at me and the kids. He has had some therapy and this has got better, but occasionally this still happens. I have been keeping a diary as I forget stuff, I try to talk and resolve things with him but he doesn’t listen. He talks over me, questions what I say and I now just hardly say anything. Recently an incident happens with our young teenage daughter and he completely overreacted. He’s taken her phone and now says he’s going to swap it for a really basic one. He also grounded her ‘until further notice’.She went out without our permission, although she did try to call me at the time, but I missed her call. She did send a tx. We always differ in how to parent, he thinks shouting at them is ok. He told her she could never see her friends again. Today she said to me she can’t wait to go to school tomorrow, she feels like the house is a prison. I have a close relationship with my kids and can talk and discuss things with them, and this is often enough. He now says thing like I’m always having a dig at him, he’s not allowed to discipline his own kids, the kids walk all over me and that I’m too soft. I know I’m not, I have firm boundaries and I’m fair. I wonder if I am though? I just feel like I’m shutting down. I used to get so upset and frustrated after trying to reason with him. I know this is pointless as he always just brings up the whole argument again. But if something is bothering me I always want to resolve it. What do I do? Is some of it me? I can’t stand the way he’s behaving with her, but I can’t bring myself to leave him. What do I do? I feel so deflated

[Reallyconfused]

Hi sungirl. I know how you’re feeling. When my children were young my husband played all sorts of games between me and my children. One child was grounded endlessly. I couldn’t stop my husband as he was violent towards me. I feel guilt to this day.
It’s not you – and you will not win a verbal argument. I am still in this relationship and though he is not physically abusive now , the emotional abuse remains and my family and extended family are stopped from visiting.
However I am now feeling a little stronger and am making plans.
My daughter no longer speaks to her father, she is now married and she refuses to visit the house. So I don’t see her either, unless I visit her alone.
This is what can happen in the future sadly. These men are very powerful and know what they’re doing. They don’t even feel that much anger, I’ve learnt it’s all a show and an act to exert control and dominance. They say things to get a reaction from us, they know we try to defend our position and secretly watch us squirming and protesting smiling inwardly.
You are not crazy or over reacting. You are talking things through and self reflective.
Keep posting and sharing as I do now.

[Sungirl]

Thank you for your reply, that’s so sad to hear your situation. This is what worries me sometimes that the kids will leave home when they can and I’ll never see them, or he’ll fall out with them when they’re older. He makes me so angry sometimes as I try to discuss things with him but he just won’t even listen. I’m slowly realising that I can’t change him, I’ve spent so many years trying to help him and now I’m realising I can’t. I listened to a podcast today it talked about the emotional bond we have with our partners, and how that is what keeps us in the relationship. We know all these things they do are wrong but that bond is so strong and hard to break. I need to find out how to move forwards. I have separated from my husband previously and it was a complete nightmare. I think that’s what’s stopping me from leaving now, sometimes I just feel like walking out the door, but I can’t as I have the kids to consider, house, mortgage, work everything else!

[Reallyconfused]

I know all the feelings you’re feeling. Women are usually the main carers and glue of the family. We are always worrying about our children, housework, food, work etc. it doesn’t end. We always want to fix things don’t we? Especially people. But I’ve realised painfully that often people can’t be fixed and don’t want too to be.
Yes we are trauma bonded and on top we have poor sense of self or self esteem. We are always working so hard to keep relationships going.
I remember the police being in their way as my husband had been so violent – and he just went to bed for a nap. It was as if nothing had happened. I was in turmoil.
I have so often wanted to walk out the door with a rucksack on my back and never returning.
But we are strong and honourable and loving for our children so we keep it as a fantasy.
However – we can make plans carefully and with support from other people.
Friends, support groups, DV groups and the local police can all be helpful.
Keep talking , posting , listening tk your instincts. Understand that our partners do not see us as equals and don’t have respect. They may show glimmers of being human but we seem to be happy with these crumbs.
Keep going and keep understanding yourself and him. Don’t assume he will understand you. He’s not interested in that, only his needs.
Please look after yourself.

[Sungirl]

Yes definitely I hear what you’re saying, I’ve spent too long trying to change him. I do feel that there is a part of him that is good though and I still love him so I keep thinking that should be enough to fix things. I don’t want my kids to have a broken family. Today he did something really manipulative, (detail removed by Moderator). He just laughed and thought it was funny, but it was something I was really upset about and we had had a big argument about it. I just couldn’t believe he just showed no understanding for my feelings at all. He’s said a few really hurtful things, he doesn’t call me names or out me down, but he just doesn’t get me and what is important to me.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Sungirl,

I did the exact same as you and stayed with an abuser because of the ‘broken family’ myth. I felt I ‘owed it to my son’ that he grow up with a mum and a dad in the same house, but then I realised that the reality of this was far more damaging to him and me.

I decided to break the family up the day I fled with him. It was the best decision I made for him (and me).

Your family is already broken when an abuser lives among you.

My son is now an adult and has thrived in his ‘broken family’. He has grown up in a calm and loving home with healthy boundaries and family and friends who can come and go without fear. In later life he has severed his relationship with his Dad by his own choice as his Dad just never stopped abusing.

Breaking up a family is not a bad thing to do when it’s for the safety of our children, please don’t hold on to this outdated myth that has no place in today’s society, you’re not breaking up a family by leaving, you’re protecting it.

xx

[Reallyconfused]

I agree with wants to help. I did more damage to my children by staying in a toxic fearful manipulative relationship. It is broken anyway.
I was and am lonely despite being outwardly married.
As the children got older he would play games with them too and wanted them to love him more than me (I found out later ).
I think they do “get us” – they do know what they’re doing but they know us so well and play the game brilliantly so that they control us.
The toxic emotions have damaged all my children ultimately. I am so guilty and angry with myself. I did not know about these forums and had no knowledge of support – and there was not much in those days.
However this is a journey to a form of self realisation and self love.

[tiredofitall]

I relate to so much of what you are saying. As the children got older it became increasingly clear that we didnt have the same views on parenting and more than that, he wasn’t prepared to listen to anything that I had to say. I am very much like you – I talk to my children all the time, we discuss and resolve issues. I dont need to lay down the law and be really strict because we can discuss. I’ll listen to their points of view and sometimes i will change my mind because they have given me good reason to.
He was always criticizing me to them (though he didn’t know that they would tell me what he said). I tried to stick with him and support his parenting (as you are always told to show a united front) but i couldn’t ignore that he was causing more harm than good and they were beginning to show signs of distress that in the end i felt i didnt have any choice but to start parenting separately. So I would then have to start to explain that his behavior isnt how normal people in relationships behave and thats not their fault. And i would always give the side that he has issues, he doesn’t know what he is doing etc but as they get older they see and hear and truth be told, they start asking me why I hadnt left him. i did leave him when the first child was a few years old but he was unbearable and i stupidly believed him. I didnt have the courage to leave again until now. Our oldest child won’t speak to his dad now. His dad has rejected him and quite obviously favours the youngest child. It hurts me so much but i just try and give them all the love and support I can. Its tough and I feel for you, I really do.

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