Is it me?

[soconfused2]

I’m worried its actually me. I can see some of the things he did – blaming,
silent treatment etc – weren’t very healthy, but I can’t shake the feeling I brought it on myself. I’ve filed for divorce but still in the same house. He is ignoring me completely.

Now all I can think about is winning him back. Is that hoovering? Does this mean I’m the toxic one? Or is it a trauma bond? How can you know?

I also threatened to leave a few times before I actually did. That’s really toxic behaviour isn’t it. I just felt at the end of my tether and wanted to explain how desperate I felt, but I can see it was wrong now.

I just feel so awful. I feel so guilty and down about everything.

I can forgive him everything but not myself…

[Footballfan1]

You are NOT the abusive one.
You are being abused.
Sometimes us victims may use abusive tactics ourselves, but not because we are abusive.
It’s because 1- we are used to that behaviour towards us, we can’t always help mirroring or copying it sometimes and 2- we are desperate, we tried everything else, nothing worked so we turn to last resorts.

Abusers twist it onto the victim, call them the abuser, tell them they are in the wrong and we can’t help believe it’s true.
It is not true.

You are doing the right thing, it’s going to be really tough still living in the same house.
Look after yourself, practice self care.
We neglect ourselves when we are abused or if we feel guilty for leaving / filing for divorce etc..
I regret some of my actions towards ex, but I know deep down I’m not that person and it was nothing compared to the abuse he put me and the kids through.

[Marmalade]

so confused 2,
I am not sure it is helpful to try to put labels on why you want him back at the moment. You are in a very difficult situation, going through a divorce under the same roof. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. You will remember the bad points and then long for the good ones. In particular in a time of such uncertainty and instability you will long for normality.
So deep breath. Do you really want him back? Do you want to go back to your old life? You were so unhappy you started divorce proceedings. What would change? Also does he show any signs of wanting to reconcile? He doesn’t talk to you.
I am so sorry you are in such a difficult toxic situation. Have a very good calm think and maybe discuss with your therapist if you have one. It may be better for you to look ahead and plan your future as a single woman free to do her own thing rather than long for the past. If however after thought you really want to try again then that is your choice, but really think that one through. No one judges you here.

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