Is it me?

[Defeatedhuman]

Hi all,

I am reaching out as right now I am struggling so much. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since we broke up but for some reason it has not got easier, and he’s kindly told me he is in a relationship with someone else (detail removed by moderator)
I am feeling like maybe I was, did I handle things wrong, should I have trusted him more, should I have given him more, should I have been more understanding to his trauma. But then the other part of me is fighting saying no, he was so controlling, not allowing me to speak to male friends, accusing me constantly of doing things I wasn’t like sleeping with men at work, (detail removed by moderator), telling me I was being moody and making him feel a certain way when I was absolutely fine, spying on me at work, just constant mind games and using social media as a weapon. And so much more.
My head is in constant conflict and I miss him, why do I miss someone that caused me so much distress, that made me so ill. I have panic attacks, I struggle sleeping at night but then finding I am sleeping more in the day, this man has destroyed me so why do I miss him, why do I think about him, why am I so upset he’s with someone new. That’s when I ask was I the issue!
I don’t know what I am supposed to write on here but I needed to reach out, my friends are great but now just say I should be over it, forget him, move on, should I have? Am I wrong for still feeling this way. As I have tried to just go forward but I can’t bear to move on to someone else, I am not ready, I am scared. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I just want the pain to go, the confusion to stop, the feeling of like I have lost a part of me without him, I don’t want to think of him, I don’t want this war in my head anymore.

[LightbulbMoment]

Hi DH,
All the things you describe are examples of abuse. Your ex is now in another relationship and sadly the pattern will almost certainly continue with this new person, but you have broken free.
It’s so hard when you leave because you remember the good times, you think of the good things that might have been and you minimise the abuse. It might be helpful, if you haven’t already, to write a list of all the things that were a problem. Write in as much detail as you can and try to remember how hopeless, trapped and degraded you felt. Write it all down and read it whenever you’re missing him or questioning yourself.
I also had panic attacks and sleep disruption when I was in the turmoil of leaving and for a while after I left. The GP helped. It might be worth a call to your GP to see if they can suggest something.
I’m sure you know about trauma bonds and the cycle of abuse (like alternating the stick and carrot). The effects of these don’t disappear when you leave. It will take time to get back to a fully functioning version of you. Don’t give yourself a hard time for feeling rubbish. You will get there. Stay positive and strong. xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, oh I feel for you so much… where you are is a really tough emotional place… I found it harder after the separation, so many conflicting emotions, I couldn’t sleep, eat and just about functioned… it does get easier… for me The Freedom Programme and Pattern Change course helped, along with my GP who signed posted me some great help…
Hang on in there and keep posting ❤️ HFH

[Smwhyle]

Maybe you think he’s giving another relationship a go and are wondering why he’d be kind to her and not to you and think it was somehow your fault. But the person he is with could’ve been anyone but the one thing they all have in common with eachother is they are being manipulated and abused. There was nothing you could’ve said or done, wore, worked as, that person needs help within themselves

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely this is a hard stage. That mental to-ing & fro-ing is you fighting the trauma bond, it’s the cognitive dissonance and it’s your body breaking the addictionto the chemicals released during the highs and lows. Why do smokers want a cigarette when they know it gives them cancer.

It’s great your friends are there but this is no ‘normal break up’ that a night out with the girls and a weepy chick film will fix. Be happy that they can’t relate and have never known this experience but at the same time know that you’re ok not to feel ok yet. You miss what could’ve been and that’s ok, but keep reminding yourself of what it was truly like. Yeah he’s moved on, they can’t be alone but it will all end the same way at some point, and he’ll be unhappy for the rest of his days. You my dear, can thrive, can enjoy life. Work on you, focus on you and slowly but surely that dark cloud will shift – but it will take a while xx

[Defeatedhuman]

Thank you all so much, for the kind words and just reading them knowing there is some understanding to how difficult this is. Right now it just feels like my whole life has been destroyed but I know I am on the right path even though doesn’t always feel that as some days I feel like I am truly starting to love me, and others which seem to be more regular right now are so hard, I can’t get out of bed, I just want to hide away from everyone as I just can’t overcome the sadness I feel. I will never get my head around how some people can be so okay with hurting people so much and just move on to someone else, and although he will do the same to this new girlfriend I still struggle with fighting that doubt that maybe he is happy and just breaks me

[Blondexxxx]

Hi hun I read your post and I just want to say I know exactly how you feel.

Iv been with my partner for (removed by moderator) years, we have a child together.

He is exactly the same, he was drinking every weekend and turned paranoid, accusing me of everything from now being at work, to sleeping with the guy from a (removed by moderator) shop, even saying he thought I was an escort (removed by moderator)! I don’t even go out on nights out, I am forever witj the kids or at work. It was all in his head!

I forever felt depressed and if I went somewhere I would panic I was ages or he would accuse me.

I honestly never understood what type of girlfriend he wanted, I always look after myself keep the kids well drsssed I work, I don’t drink myself or go out partying.

But NOTHING you do is ever good enough. My partner complains about the way I wash the clothes, tidy up, if something Goes wrong it’s always my fault.

Like your ex partner he once left me for someone else, I was living in the same house and he all of a sudden ended things, made me feel worthless why wasn’t I good enough.

I couldn’t eat or sleep, I felt sick but then also I felt he enjoyed seeing me so upset!!

This girl turned out to be someone to do with work, she was (removed by moderator) so it wasn’t some young girl with no responsibility who I thought he would go for.
He told me she made him happy and laugh as we was always arguing!!

Well we wouldn’t Have argued if he wasn’t the way he was.

I like you felt like my whole world turned up side down, I went to live with my mum for a while then got my own house and it was hard, I felt I had no patience I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t wait for bed time to come around so I could just forget the world and sleep. Half the time I couldn’t sleep but just to be led in the dark and not have anyone try speak to me.

I spent ages just feeling sorry for myself and wondering why he wanted her over me.

It was about a month and he then started trying to come back, asking to talk, said he felt awful and he had called things off with this girl.
Said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and wanted to be on his own.

I slowly gave in, it was nice just to have him back, have him there at night time again, and he was being so nice.

But then he started being off with me again, I would phone him and he would act like I was hassling him, as if why was I phoning him.

It started to make me feel really c**p again, and all those emotions started coming back.
I then found out he was back messaging the girl and told her the only reason he contacted me was to do with our child!

I ended up speaking to her and told her everything and he actually denied it all and told her I was crazy. So he thought of her feelings over mine!
Which made me feel even more sick!

I was back to where I was months ago, crying, not sleeping etc because I let him back into my life.

I wasn’t running around singing and happy in the few weeks I was getting over things but I started to learn to be by myself and not worry about someone controlling me/.

All my friends couldn’t understand what I saw in him, my family friends all hated him. But I felt like the only person (him) who brought me down was the only person who could bring me back up again.

Anyway this girl must of gave him another chance but then didn’t work out again!! She obviously saw what a liar he was! And the way he was treating me as well she even said to me you shouldn’t let him speak to you the way he does!

It never lasted and he was the same person. Maybe because he didn’t like the fact I didn’t care so he wanted to price to himself he could get me back, it’s all about the control.

I stupidly forgave him again and left the home I had got and moved back in with him.

It was the biggest mistake of my life! Iv spent the last (removed by moderator) years living the same life, being accused, being paranoid about me, shouting at me calling me names etc.

He has asked me to get out of his house about ten times and constantly tells me didn’t want to be together.

Hes emotional drained me.
If I had just been strong enough before I felt I would have been in a better place by now.

All I’m saying is I know it feels awful, but they never change even if you get them back, they become worse as they lose any respect for you.

My partner now has told me it’s over, he’s even stopped drinking and going the gym every night eating healthy etc. it’s the same pattern he did before when was someone else. He said he wants me to leave, said we don’t get on etc

He’s been sleeping on the sofa ans coming home late. I felt sick!! I cried so many times but it got me no where.
I can’t change what he’s doing and he will never admit it.

So I acted not bothered ans this time around I kept myself busy and doing things with the kids ans my friends!
I stated to feel stronger ans then tried to find myself somewhere else to live.

Then again! It was his (removed by moderator|) so I offered to go out for a meal all together! Since then he’s been coming (removed by moderator), bavk sleeping in the bed, just generally being really nice again. He made ne miss the kids side of him
I could feel myself feeling slightly happy again!

Then all of a sudden started acting weird with me again, I phoned him from work and he said what? I said oh just on my lunch, he said al why you ringing me??

I felt sick again!! That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach! What did he mean why am I ringing him! He’s been playing happy families again ans been phoning me all week during the day!

I sent him a text asking why he was being off and he said what do you want me to say, I was just being civil for the kids because it was my birthday! Nothing more!!

Then I got upset! I said how dare you use me! We’ll be Turned it around on me said I was playing the victim this is why we don’t get on!
Started saying he never cared about me etc

I honestly feel so angry and upset!! With myself!
For thinking and believeinf that being with him would make me happy again!

It’s only made me worse!

They never change, just because your partner has moved on, what I always thought on my head was they may change for this person! But they can’t
My ex will have a drink one day again, and turn into his weird self.
His anger issues will never go away and the other girl will soon be you!

My partner ex said to me once he sent her to a dark place and she never ever wants to feels like that again! She was with him for (removed by moderator) years!
They have a child together and she didn’t say this to be bitter, she actually is so happy now she’s getting married has a good business her own home.

She said at one point her mum had to drag her off the floor she was that ill because of him! Spent weeks in her desssing gown not eating or sleeping.

What iv learned and I can’t really give anyone advice because I am the same as you I feel like I need that person. But what I have learned is it’s about control! If you start to act not bothered! Don’t show him you’re bothered!
He will hate it!

It’s not you, it’s him! And his relationship could last a while as the girl like you will start to feel weak and feel like she needs him to be happy!

But you can be happy without him! Going back just kills your soul.

I felt ok until I gave him those other chances and today I’m ringing in sick at work, led in bed, crying and angry with myself!

Don’t let him being you down x*x

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