is it me?

[chooseyoux]

hello,

I’m struggling with my relationship at the moment. Every time my oh goes out drinking with me and we argue, it is always taken to the next level. I can’t tell whether it is me being dramatic or over reacting to things when I am drunk that leads to us arguing. whilst arguing this time I tried to ring my friends as we’d walked away from them and he took my phone off of me and smashed it across the floor. Angrily I pushed him and he pushed me back so hard that I fell on the floor and hit my head. He then started videoing me on the floor saying how dramatic and pathetic I was being. He then smashed his watch onto the floor and blamed me for it.
He has since replaced my phone but this is the third time he has taken my phone off of me whilst we’ve been out together. We have a wonderful time together all other times but I don’t trust him to not do it again. It upsets me so much that he is like this on occasion and I know it isn’t healthy but I can’t bring myself to leave him as we have such a lovely time together otherwise. All my friends and family hate him because of the times he is like this. But am I encouraging this abuse?

[KIP.]

There is no excuse for abuse and no you don’t encourage this. He chooses to abuse you. Can you ring the helpline for a chat or pop into your local women’s aid? His behaviour is not okay. It’s illegal and it’s escalating as abuse always does. Google the cycle of abuse and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. The good times are how they keep us hooked into the relationship. Always trying to find the lovely man we first met. Only he doesn’t exist x having been where you are my advice is to run and run fast. He won’t like you ending the relationship so do it when you’re away from him and somewhere safe. Don’t meet him again afterwards and if he continues to contact you, sadly you may need to involve the police.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi chooseyoux

You are absolutely not encouraging his behaviour, an abuser is fully responsible for his behaviour. He is choosing to do this. He doesn’t do it with others does he? Only with the person he wishes to control; you.
Look up abusive power and control.

Please reset all settings on your phone. If he is the one giving you the phone he is the one controlling it. Before handing him back any (smashed) phones please always reset them fully as well because he will be checking your activities on it. That is probably the reason why he smashes them regularly in the first place, to get them back and look at all your activities on it and perhaps install spyware on your next one. And smashing his watch is a side show meant to frighten and confuse you. Showing you it’s alcohols doing not his. It is all a carefully calculated act on his part.

Please be safe and get out of this relationship, he has shown you who he truly is. The good times are unfortunately only going to last a little while in order to charm you into the relationship. With time he will gradually become more controlling and apparently he is the violent type, so he’ll be smashing not only your phone but will be directing his violence towards you and adding insult to injury will be blaming you for his ‘loss of control’.

Get away from him, listen to your friends and family when they are telling you what they are seeing in him, there is a very good reason they dislike him.
If you are leaving do not tell him, he will see it as loosing control over you, he will not be willing to admit being at fault for his abuse and can become violent again, smashing more than just your phone.
Please contact the helpline on here as well for support and planning a safe exit.
Keep posting

[chooseyoux]

But this is the thing, he isn’t abusive in any other way other than when he gets really drunk. He’s always really lovely to me any other time I just don’t understand why it has to get to that much aggression. And most importantly why he can’t stop it.

[HopeLifeJoy]

The book ‘Why does he do that’ from Lundy Bancroft might be the ideal book to educate yourself about abuse. There is a description in there where one abuser confessed his drinking being used as his excuse to abuse his partner.

It might be mind bending to believe that your partner would be an abuser because he sounds pleasant 80% of the time, so I understand where you coming from. But abusive relationships ALL start like this. Mine did too. They never start with full on abusive behaviour, it is gradual progression, something you hardly notice, you get brain-washed slowly and surely and get used to his behaviour, minimising it over time, you’ll get confused and think his behaviour is normal – just a little aggressive some days.
He is charming and seducing you right now, that is why he is nice and it is so difficult to see that when finding yourself under his spell.

So ask yourself these questions; do you want to stay with someone who breaks your belongings? Do you wish a partner who is aggressive? Alcohol perhaps increases aggressiveness to a certain degree but it is already seeded in him, deep in his core.
I’ve never met anyone who is aggressive when drunk, drunk people usually loose their motor skills and speech abilities and might get a little intimate but certainly aren’t in a state to record their partner fallen on the floor.

Take it slow with this relationship, do keep your financial independence and start talking with your friends and family about their view of him. They’ll describe how they see him.
Keep posting 💕

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