Is it me being hypersensitive?

[orangesandchocolate]

Hi all

I hope you’re all doing as okay as can be

A little background to understand the following bits – I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and Fibromyalgia (more fatigue than pain mind). PTSD flared around (detail removed by moderator) years ago with flashbacks. My then boyfriend was very supportive and said i should report to the police, I did, this was more trumatic and a dead end. Since then we are married. Things have progressively got worse.

I’m not intimate in anyway (due to PTSD) I still hug and kiss but that’s it, he repeatedly asks me when I will be ready to have sex again, repeatedly asks if I will still want it one day and often walks around naked despite me saying it bothers me, he says it is natural so it shouldn’t. He often touches my chest despite me explaining to him why I don’t want him to, he says it keeps normality and its over clothes so it’s not the same.If i push him off he strops and says he feels rejected and pushed away

When I tell him how things make me feel (above) it turns into an argument and ends in “well what do you want from me” . He says I blame him for everything that is wrong (not true as he hasn’t harmed me) and that he feels like a filthy pervert all the time.

When something does go wrong, be it at home or work or even with friends he will blame his upbringing saying that his parents never gave him as much attention as the others etc, he also says his grandparents don’t bother with him so why should he bother with them, they used to ring a lot, we used to visit a lot but since xmas and a big row with his parents he has withdrawn from them as his parents said they were liars .

He picks arguments either just before Im leaving for work or just before bedtime.
When things don’t go his way he throws a toddlers tantrum or gives me the silent treatment

Recently I saw a (detail removed by moderator) therapist for some treatment, as soon as I came home he accused me of cheating, I advised the place i went was a walk away and he could have checked i was there or rang the place to confirm, I went back to said therapist the following month and the same thing happened so i’ve now stopped going.

I do 24 hour shifts at work (sleeps) he often accuses me of being elsewhere then too and I find myself taking photos of the sleep room to send to him to prove i am where i say I am

I rarely see my mum unless she visits, I also rarely get time to visit to see my grandparents, so when I do get the time he makes me feel guilty saying that we never get to see each other or spend time together, yet when I book leave to spend said time he will book gigs in that time or arrange to see his friends.

Sometimes he wants to do things like go to town when I have a day off but if i’ve done 7 days straight im exhausted and usually flaring in pain, he throws a tantrum and says since i’ve been diagnosed I use this as an excuse. However he won’t go anywhere on his own , he has to be with friends or me.

Does this sound like an abusive relationship because for me all i see is red flags of my ex but then I don’t know if im just being sensitive and cautious?

Thank you

Best Wishes

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Orangesandchocolate

So sorry to hear the way he is treating you.

Its horribly abusive to be repeatedly touched like this when you made it clear how badly it affects you and that its unwanted. Actually its sexual assault I believe.

He is not believing you, or trusting you, and not taking responsibility for his reactions,but blaming you instead (for cheating). Its all abusive.

You really need to get help for your PTSD and have done the right thing in reaching out to that therapist, do go back and keep going if its helping.

If, for whatever reason, he has got it into his hwad that something has happened, some liaison with someone, listening to you and talkitn with you, being shown a photo of where you sleep (alone), and knowing the effect being intimate has on you are all sufficient to put anyone’s mind at rest over a suspicion, but he is going way further than this and repeatedly ignoring all the glaringyly obvious to support his way, his abuse of you.

Please get in touch with support to help you out of this horrible situation.

You can call WA and be put in touch with local services, and its important to get help for your ptsd too.

Is there any way that your shift pattern can be altered to make allowances for your health at the moment,because working to exhaustion is not supporting you to recover, the exact opposite, it will be making your ability to cope and recover far less likely (although it might be night to have those long breaks from him?!)

Take care and do keep posting here, whilst you think all this through and come to your conclusions.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

*nice (not ‘night’)

[orangesandchocolate]

Hi Twisted Sister

Thank you for your reply.

I never classed it as sexual abuse before, just felt he was being forgetful or thought I was okay again.

Ive tried therapies for the PTSD through NHS however they were inconclusive, first sessions ran out and the second I became too much of a risk for them with my mental health. I will be looking at going private after I have replied.

I have an extremely supportive family however I couldnt move back home because one, we are married, two we rent, and three Im pretty sure my brother is abusing my parents financially and emotionally too, its easier to recognise when youre on the outside I guess.

My husband had another outburst (detail removed by moderator), I told him how i was feeling, my mental health, how arguments flare my mental health, he said i make him feel like a pervert, i make him like s**t etc. I screenshot-ed it all to my mum, she says he needs professional help, ive asked him time and time again if he’ll see someone but he wont.

This morning I have been awake since 3am, circulating all the things he has done, how amazing everything was at the start, when he left for work I got up and started researching and writing down things about emotional abuse and gaslighting, i cannot believe ive been so blind! I feel like an idiot that im back in the same scenario I was with my ex and I was so sure after him i’d never get back here.

I read a book the last two days, called “The Flat Share” its a happy book but the woman experienced emotional abuse, she didnt see it, her friends did, reading it opened my eyes so much more!

[Author]

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