Is it me or him at fault

[Janedoeissad]

I really don’t know where to start with this so I’m going to ramble and hope it comes together in the end.

Me and my partner have been together a few years. I don’t believe we ever had a honeymoon period. He’s always been grumpy, demanding and his moods swing like a pendulum. One minute he can’t do enough for me. The next he’s yelling at me, telling me I “do nothing”, I’m “common” and he can also throw things if he gets angry enough. Not at me, usually at the floor.

We can be having a nice day out and one thing I say or do will set him off. (detail removed by Moderator) it was me SUGGESTING we head back to the car. He was shocked and stated that I had decided the day was over and I’m getting my way “again”. When I said I know he didn’t like the other part of the town we were in, so thought we had finished that part of the day, he said (detail removed by Moderator) So I suggested we stay and go there. He said no. He said I had clearly decided we were going home and I was going to get my way again. He said I’m always eager to go home, I LOVE sitting on the sofa doing nothing. When I said that wasn’t the case he snapped back with (detail removed by Moderator). He then spent the rest of the day livid with me. To the point I was hysterical crying as he was running me round in circles and refusing to listen to me. When I apologised and said I shouldn’t have said it he said (detail removed by Moderator) I kept trying to point out that my comment was a suggestion and he could’ve suggested what we could do next but he said I obviously wanted to go home so there was no point.

Thing is, because he’s such hard work and so unpredictable. I do quietly try to rush to get home. I can’t wait to close the door and be at home where it doesn’t matter if he shouts and swears at me and makes irrational demands. I also used to love quiet days in but now I feel like he’s judging me for it.

I’ve tried to tell him he scares me but he said (detail removed by Moderator). He also feels arguing is basically about point scoring.

This is the first place I’ve confessed this. I HATE him a lot of the time and constantly try to get the confidence to leave.

I earn more than he does, have a few places I could leave to and feel so happy when I start planning my life without him. So I keep screaming in my head “WHY AM I STILL HERE!!!!!!”

I think guilt and responsibility. I feel guilty that I don’t love him. I feel like I need to try harder. I feel responsible as he does have mental health issues and basically no friends or relatives to go to.

I’m finding more and more my spirit and light and happiness is draining away. I miss the old, happy, free me. She was so cool.

[KIP.]

Sounds horrendous. My ex acted like a six foot toddler having tantrums too. Tantrums about such nonsense. FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Youre not responsible for him or his happiness. Thats his responsibility. Try to ring the helpline and talk things through or find your local womens aid.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Well done for seeing through his shenanigans and acknowledging your feelings. They run us round in circles to stop us figuring out their behaviour.

That they will criticise us no matter what we do.

That we will always be wrong and selfish. There’s the deflect and attack.

Can you get your hands on “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft? The Helpline ladies are amazing too.

I hope you make the bid for freedom soon.

[Tiffany]

Sounds really familiar. I had a lot of him assuming I wanted something he didn’t and him getting upset. Lots of going in circles and then me apologising. Name calling, and mood swings were also common. He also had mental health issues, and trust issues that meant he wasn’t getting adequate help. I spent so much time trying to do more for him, to be more loving.

In the end I left. I’m starting to find myself again. The fear and guilt have lifted. And I went no contact, but from the snippets I have heard from friends and family he has actually taken control of his own life (now he hasn’t got mine to play with) and is sorting himself out in a way he just wouldn’t have before.

[Janedoeissad]

It’s great to hear you are feeling more yourself. I can not wait for the day I can start saying that. It’s what I tell myself every time I get upset, frustrated and hurt “if you leave you will be free and life can start again”

[Anonymous]

Good luck. My first step to freedom was going on an online forum and asking why I stayed when my ex hurt me. Please look at the survivors handbook on here. It has some really useful tips for getting ready to go, for when you’re ready.

[Janedoeissad]

I will take a look at the survivors hand book. Thank you

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you all so much for responding. I’m so so chuffed you took the time to respond. I will take a look at that book eyorenomore.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too sensitive or I’ve been misunderstanding “life” up until I met him but then I compare it to any other relationship/friendships I’ve ever had and no one else has ever said these horrible things to me.

I’ve always wanted to help and make people feel involved and wanted but I feel the pole opposite in this relationship. I feel like my best is never good enough and when it is, he finds something new to complain about.

[Author]

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