5th February 2016 at 9:29 pm #9130
I am so confused! All my friends and family are telling me I need to get out of my marriage but I can’t help think I am to blame – is this because he is manipulating me or because it really is me??
I have depression (came on after a tough bereavement) and this seems to be the pinnacle of our relationship. Everything I do wrong in his eyes is put down to my depression. I’ve tried explaining that I forget the milk, have a huge ironing pile etc is because I’m a normal busy working mum, not because I’m mental!
I do shout at him and at the kids on occasion, because I’m frustrated, not because I’m a (detail removed by Moderator)! I talk to friends and they say they react the same to similar things but he tars me as mental. He tells me I’m a bad mum, puts me down all the time and recently has done it in front of the children. He doesn’t get on with my eldest son, he feels I favour him over the others (he isn’t his son) and let him get away with too much. Recently my son told me he hated his step dad, he wants me to leave him and has told my parents he wants to live with them.
My family and friends know some of the issues as I tell them in frustration but then regret it as it causes a strain and they think bad of my husband. My husband is good at turning me around and making me think it’s me and then we sort it out between us and move on…til the next stupid row and put down and so the cycle starts again!
He has cheated many times, meeting women using online dating sites and I’ve stupidly taken him back as he told me it was my fault with my depression making me distant.
Recently we had an argument where he told me I was a bad mother in front of my children. It was the final straw and I packed up, took my children and went to my parents for the weekend. I told them a few more details of things that happen like how he make me pay back money to him if he buys milk as its my job, or how he won’t give me money for food if I run short as I should budget better. Of course they were heartbroken to know what I go through and want me to leave for the sake of the children if nothing else. My son is clearly not happy. My son and daughter ask to stay at my parents most weekends now as they don’t want to be at home with him.
I came home as I had to get back for school, work etc and of course, he talked me round again.
I just don’t know what to do. My head is telling me enough is enough and I have to leave. I have no money, bad credit and no hope of renting my own place. I can’t stay with my parents longer term as they have no room and live far from my work and the children’s schools.
There’s so much more to tell but I’ve tried to condense it!
Think I just need an outlet, that’s why I stumbled on here. Thanks for listening
5th February 2016 at 9:44 pm #9131Falling SkysParticipant
Well done for posting.
Its not you its him, mine tried to drive me mad. I thought because I answered back it was arguments not abuse.
Can you get him to leave the property?
Speak to Womans Refuse, you have more options than you think.
Keep posting, the ladies here are a great support and a font of knowledge.
5th February 2016 at 10:47 pm #9133
Thanks for replying FS.
He won’t leave the property, he won’t leave his son. (We have a son together) He left before when I threw him out for cheating a few years back but now he knows his rights. We rent and are both on the tenancy so he knows we both have rights to remain in the house. I know I could get an order for him to leave but I’m not sure I have enough to do that on grounds of ‘abuse’.
My parents and sisters are hassling me daily now asking if I’ve made the calls to start a separation and found out my rights etc. I’m so confused on what to do. I don’t want it to become nasty for the sake of the children. Plus I’m not entirely innocent and can be abusive back!
6th February 2016 at 2:33 pm #9164SavingmyselfParticipant
Hi Hunand welcome
Please call the helpline on here as they can advise you and help you with your rights and to protect you and your child
Keep posting on here it will help you too
6th February 2016 at 8:47 pm #9196godschildParticipant
It is him, mine tells me I am mentally ill, need sectioning etc, I’ve heard this for years an its nonsence. I also have shouted back and called him things it gets to a point where thy wear you down so much and I read about what is called reactive abuse that People do when they are being abused, it no really abuse it reaction to what is happening to you, would you deny him money for milk or be horrible if he had depression google reactive abuse, they push and push until you snap sometimes. Then thy can call you the abuser, your children can cope with him and neither can you, he should be showing you compassion with your depression and helping you, why dosn’t he pick the iron up if its bothering him so much, he isnt being caring to you
Its good you have family support, i wish i had left when I had years ago as im pretty isolated now. I have been through cycle after cycle and its got no better, your children are affected by him and mine blame me now for not leaving, mine are both grown up now.
Even if you had to change jobs and schools and be nearer your family it would be better than puttig up with him.
He shouldn’t be getting away with cheating either. You are worth better than that
You also have financiel abuse as well.
Im trapped now as I have disabilities and no support but i wish I cold turn the clock back and left, he wont get any better unless he sees the truth of what he is doing, some wake up when do that if you leave, some get worse when you leave, but donnt’ just put up wt it, there is support from Womens Aid and the ladies on here. Ask yourself would you deny him money for milk or be horribe if he had depression, or be nasty if the ironing had piled up, I can guarantee you wouldnt , you are not abusive you are depressed and under such stress from him, call the helpline x*x
6th February 2016 at 9:33 pm #9200SavingmyselfParticipant
It is very much him
6th February 2016 at 10:32 pm #9208Confused123Participant
It is him and his aim is to wear u out so u don’t leave , call helpline with support u will find courage to leave . I thought there was no way out but once u receive positive support u will get out
8th February 2016 at 2:22 pm #9345
Thankyou for all your replies and support. I will call the helpline as soon as I get the chance. He works from home so it’s difficult to get any privacy (or breathing space!)
We talked and he’s managed to push it all into me again. It’s all my fault And he feels unloved!!! He wants to pay for me to have counselling, I’ve agreed to go as I feel it may actually benefit me to have my own private forum to air my thoughts.
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