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    • #9506
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      I can’t accept he’s a Narcassist I still think it’s learned behaviour and doesn’t aim to hurt he’s just looking out for himself/thinks I’ve taken leave of my senses.
      However I also looked at 4signs of a Narcassist and they all sounded more like my strategies for trying to deal with his behaviour/my implementation of modified contact ( required only for children matters) than a description of his.
      I’m confused again.

    • #9551
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Silky,

      Being in an abusive relationship is a very confusing situation and you can often find yourself questioning whether or not you are to blame or him and who is the victim… I am not sure if you have already done the Freedom Program but perhaps that might help make things a bit clearer or you can always phone the Helpline to talk things through.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #9613
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Silky,

      Think back to the start of your relationship, your vision and your ideals.

      Was it your desire to control and monopolise him and to use him to get and do the things that you wanted? Or was it your vision that you were going to be a team, caring for and encouraging each other to develop, and just living the other person for who they were?

      My hunch is that your vision was the latter.

      When we are abused so badly on all levels by a person like that, the first stage is disbelief and maybe self-blame. It is so painful to accept the truth of the person you committed to.

      Aling with this, for our own survival, we need to start to ‘think like them’ or rather imagine how they are thinking, in order to beat them at their own game and keep a step ahead.

      This is because we are intelligent people. The shackles have fallen from our eyes and we can see the reality, and it is a case of rising up and putting boundaries and a self- protection plan in place, or else they will destroy us.

      This doesn’t mean you are a n********t: it means you realise he is a usive, and you are determined to bat him off and survive.

      It was a painful experience for me to realise who I was married to. Now, all the time, I need to imagine how he is thinking. This helps me to understand his next move and to see the truth in his actions.

      It is an ugly and painful truth to face, as it is very hard to accept first, that there are people like this in the world and, secondly, you lived with one. It might be easy to get disillusioned and have no faith anymore in human nature! But not everyone is like this. There are some wonderfully kind people out there.

      Sometimes I feel low and disillusioned, but I remind myself that not everyone is like my ex, and that if we think the world needs improving and people need protecting, we must ‘be the change!’

      Keep strong xxxx

    • #9614
      Serenity
      Participant

      Typing error:

      I mean just loving the person for who they are

      It means you realise he is abusive

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