Is it my fault?

[Shoop]

Hey girls- this is what I am going through in my life. I guess I’m looking for reassurance I am not crazy and unreasonable- so here goes:
Put downs

Criticism

Accusations of ‘checking out’ other men in public

He spat in my face

Walking on egg shells- constantly watching what I say/ do incase I do something that will set him off

Stonewalling

Not telling me why he’s annoyed

Makes me second guess myself

Put his hands round my throat

Intimidating gestures: wielding a knife in a suggestive manner when cutting veg, punching and kicking infront of my face, getting in my face, getting riled up by punching his fist in his hand and saying I wanna duck something up

Threatening to leave

Breaking childcare agreements

Guilt tripping me

Screaming in my face

Purposely starting arguments before work
Numerous incidents i can refer to which have been explosive- (removed by moderator) I was (removed by moderator) pregnant.. He screamed in my face after picking me up from work because I questioned what we was doing and was disappointed we wasn’t going out, he then proceeded to slam on the breaks and force me to get out the car and roam the streets in the cold and dark. Another example is the day after I gave birth he told me to (removed by moderator) because I tried to comfort my son when he was crying- he was changing his nappy but the hormones made me feel the need to take and care for my baby

He has threatened to kill me if I brought another man around our son…

Invalidating my career- I wish to work in (removed by moderator) and he has actively discouraged that as it’s embarrassing, un-respectable etc
But then proceeded to call me lazy and ‘dead’ becUse apparently I don’t do anything

But I still end up second guessing myself- I guess deep down I know this relationship is toxic but why do I always end up feeling as if this is my fault? I admit I’ve the past (removed by moderator) months I have started sticking up for myself and he has accused me of catching an attitude and the worst thing is he makes it sound so logical and I think maybe I am doing something wrong.

[Bananaboat]

Trauma bonding, I’ve watched a video from Dr Ramani on it this morning. She likened it to playing slot machines, you keep playing even though the chances of winning/happiness are low because you won once/had a great time once and it’s that, that hooks us in. We want to believe the good and make excuses for all the behaviour you’ve listed above, even blaming ourselves. Unfortunately it’s a chemical reaction that has us addicted. Don’t blame yourself, but do some research as it helps understanding this stuff xx

[Shoop]

Hey thanks for replying! I will have a look at that today sounds like it fits me to a T, I often find myself scrolling through YouTube for information and and education on this topic. However, the more I wake up the more I feel he changes his tactics to re gain that control

[Bananaboat]

Tell me about it! They are masters at it, but hang in there, education is definitely helpful x

[Lisa]

Hi Shoop,

Welcome to the forum.
You have listed many examples of various forms of abuse and control. At the end of them all, you mention that deep down, you know that his behaviour is wrong/toxic and wonder why you are left doubting yourself.
Know that this confusion or ‘fog’ on how you should be feeling is a direct result of such abuse. Much of it is tactics; the way the emotional manipulation and put downs eat away at your self-confidence and self-worth. Having being told again and again that something is wrong with you, or that you are to blame by the very person you are supposed to believe is there to love and care for you, would make anyone feel ‘lost’ and uncertain.
I hope here, you can begin to get clarity from the other women on this forum who can relate to your experiences.
It’s also about learning to prioritise you own well-being again, as I’m sure this man has taken all that focus on himself.
The abuse sounds very debilitating for sure, and even dangerous at times. I hope you can start focusing on what you and your children need to be well and happy in all this.
A good place to start getting specialist, professional support is your local domestic abuse service. This is a free service, which can provide practical and emotional support. They are a confidential service and will absolutely understand what you are going through and can go through all your options so that you can be clear on what you may want to do next.
Do keep posting.

All the best,

Lisa

[Stuckinturmoil]

What an utter disgusting person. It’s all vile abusive behaviour. Spiting in your face is a degrading awful thing to do. You need to get rid of him before he does something awful.

[Shoop]

Hi girls,

Thanks for replying I’ve read all your messages and it means a lot. I just wanted to vent and explain why I haven’t thanked you all for replying sooner. I’m sure you all know the script by now but things were going very well between us. However, that isn’t the case anymore. He has destroyed more of my property, compared me to my friends saying I’m lazy and incompetent when they’re ‘(removed by moderator)’. I also opened up to him about a previous sexual assault that happened to me and he has accused me of lying and then proceeded to tell me about other women who he has been with who have actually been through worse things than me. I’m at my wits end now, I’m almost always walking on egg shells as I feel like I cannot be myself and constantly have to filter myself incase I say something that triggers him. I’m in survival mode, but I don’t know how to leave and a part of me is still holding onto the good times x

[KIP.]

This man is extremely abusive and dangerous. Please talk to your local women’s aid or the police domestic abuse department. You need help to leave this abusive relationship. We live in a cycle of abuse so he will be nice on occasions but that’s just an act to keep you hooked in. There is a national domestic abuse helpline which is great. Take a look at Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. Abuse always gets worse, we are at most risk when ending the relationship so be very careful. Keep your phone on you at all times fully charged. Abusers are liars so don’t believe a word he says. He only says these things to destroy your confidence and mess with your head. He is the problem not you so you cannot fix a problem that’s not yours to fix x

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
Kip is right, he sounds extremely abusive and dangerous and it’s very worrying to hear what you have been through. Do not minimize it, listen to your thoughts and your feelings. Not what he tells you you should think of feel. He truly is trying to mess with your head. You cannot trust him.
Start planning with WA or your local DA
Keep posting
x*x

[nbumblebee]

I want to say go get help reach out to womans aid as he really is an abusive horrible man but I know just how hard it all is and that people can tell you again and again but until you truely believe it yourself no amount of people telling you to get help will actually help.
Read just read and re read watch utube videos and really try to open yourself up to believeing that what he is doing is harmful its abusive and you deserve so so much more then reach out.
There are lots of people out there that will help and will understand just what you are going through so you dont have to be alone.
Is there a friend or family friend you could talk too? A dr? Someone you can trust so you have support with this.
The cycle will really mess with your head its crazy. I find when hes nice the hardest as i feel strong determined i can do this right then when he turns and starts up again back i go into a quivering wreck all of us on here know just what you are going through and have your back.
Keep posting keep reading, learning, keep believeing and keep safe. Then when you are ready to reach out for help.
Sending hugs xx

[Shoop]

Hey ladies, thanks so much for taking the time to reply I know you’re all right because I know myself that he is not a good man. I’m really worried if I seek help they will take my baby away? How likely is this to happen xx

[Shoop]

Also I should add when I have confronted him about all of this he says he only does it as a reaction to something I have said. He makes me think it’s my fault and then I keep running through arguments actually thinking it could be my fault

[nbumblebee]

Nope ive learned never to confront them. They will never admit nor understand nor will they give a s**t. It will just drive you crazy.
Talk to WA they can help you with your worries over your little one. Xx

[Eyesopening]

After all the research i did it was always advised not to confront an abuser, all they will do is lie, blame you, reflect onto you, make it out its all your fault, gaslight, make you crazy basically by twisting everything. You can never win.
Better to sit back and watch, keep a record of all his bad behavior and how it makes you feel.
Give WA a chat or call they can help with adice Xx

[Author]

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