Is it normal to feel guilty after leaving..?

[Anonymous]

Hi all

I’ve just left a domestic abuse situation, and have been controlled and trauma bonded for the last (detail removed by moderator) This is my 3rd attempt to leave and have done it, but I find myself feeling guilty and worried about my husband

Logic tells me I should be angry, and that it’s ridiculous to feel bad for him after everything he’s done to me and my son, but I am empathetic and probably have a guilt complex after all the years of negativity.

He literally controlled everything – money, my wages, my post was opened and he set up bank accounts in my name that I didn’t have access to. I had the smallest bit of spending Money allocated to me, but he controlled the account.

He even orchestrated my job so that we worked at the same place, and was awful to my son😢 so why would I feel guilt about leaving him, when I did nothing wrong? Why would I worry about someone who didn’t care about my happiness?

I just don’t get it…

[Hereforhelp]

Bi.and welcome to the forum Pink Jackets… Well done for getting out, that takes a lot… like you I was married for many years and trauma bonded to my husband, I also loved him… it took me 3 attempts to leave (I am [detail removed by Moderator] out now and zero contact)..I remember feeling the guilt and worrying about my husband… it takes time and support. Have you done The Freedom Programme or Pattern Change? Those are both for Domestic Abuse survivors, I found them immensely helpful as I was struggling with my feelings.
It takes time to grieve for what was, foe the man you loved and were bonded to, even harder as leaving an abuser is not a normal breakup.
Be kind to yourself ❤️ you have already been through so much
HFH

[Bananaboat]

It’s very normal, look up something called FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. You’ve been conditioned for years to think of his needs before your own and that takes time to break. Also, as you say you’re a caring person, it’s only natural to worry, just remember he’s an adult and needs to act like one.

There’s so many emotions after you leave, days you love them, days you hate them, it’s a rollercoaster for a while but it’s normal because the trauma bond is breaking, you’re weaning your body off the chemicals it’s addicted to through anxiety, stress and the ‘good’ highs. Massive well done for getting away, all this will ease, look after yourself xx

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys 💖

[StrongLife]

I felt guilty for a while, then afterwards angry.

It is normal to feel different emotions as you leave.

It’s so difficult to do so I am glad you found the courage to do so.

[Author]

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