Is it normal to feel guilty after leaving?

[Anonymous]

Hi all

I’ve just left a domestic abuse situation, and have been controlled and trauma bonded for the last (detail removed by moderator) This is my 3rd attempt to leave and have done it, but I find myself feeling guilty and worried about my husband

Logic tells me I should be angry, and that it’s ridiculous to feel bad for him after everything he’s done to me and my son, but I am empathetic and probably have a guilt complex after all the years of negativity.

He literally controlled everything – money, my wages, my post was opened and he set up bank accounts in my name that I didn’t have access to. I had the smallest bit of spending Money allocated to me, but he controlled the account.

He even orchestrated my job so that we worked at the same place, and was awful to my son😢 so why would I feel guilt about leaving him, when I did nothing wrong? Why would I worry about someone who didn’t care about my happiness?

I just don’t get it…

[terribleheadspace]

For me anyway, it was because I loved him. I never wanted anything bad to happen to him.
I still dont.
I didnt want the relationship to be over, I didnt feel safe and that’s what is stopping me going back.
Doesnt mean you dont or didnt have genuine loving feelings towards that person.

I remember crying to a friend one day, and I said that I saw footage about domestic abuse and there was a woman, this woman had been beaten black and blue for hours, and she survived just. She went to the abusers court hearing and she was really strong, looked healthy and was ready to watch his outcome in court. When she came out though she fell to the floor sobbing, considering going back to him and how much she loved him. I remember telling my friend sobbing myself, that I understood this woman. I told her I didnt know how I understood but I do and that was really upsetting for me.

With the end of any relationship comes grief.
Until someone is in this dynamic it’s so hard to understand how complex it is. It’s ok to feel how you are feeling.

The irony of the situation is that he never felt guilt when he was taking control of your money and allocating you the bare minimum to survive. You on the other hand have left because he was abusive and feel guilty for it. It’s not fair.

I think it is going to take a long time for all of us to process the complexities of our relationships.

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Pink Jacket

The guilt is totally normal – I really struggled with this. I think it’s because we’ve been living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) – often the relationship is based on manipulation of our emotions.

Stay strong and follow your gut. It was incredibly difficult but I managed to move past the guilt and stay away from him. He moved to a new relationship quickly, it lasted a year and in the end she left because he abused her too. These men don’t change.

You’re doing the right thing. Things do get easier, I am proof of that . X

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much 💖

[StrongLife]

Yes, from what I have heard it’s normal to feel guilty. I know you can move through that as it’s not your fault. The fault lies with him.

[Author]

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