Is it normal to have doubts and guilt before leaving an abusive partner?

[hopefortomorrow]

Hi,

I had some really tough moments for the last few days. I guess I would like to know from anyone who has gotten out of an abusive relationship, is it normal to feel guilt and doubt during the build up to leaving? I am really struggling with doubt and guilt at the moment, although I have made up my mind that its best to leave than stay in an abusive situation. I think it also has to do with the fact that we have kids, I worry about how this will affect them? At the same time I wonder if I am ready to leave my old life, things and places I know, people I know, because I have to get away safely with the kids.
Sometimes I even feel sorry for my partner knowing I am planning a future without him without him knowing, can’t get rid of the guilt! Sounds crazy that I am feeling sorry for the person who is abusive towards me..
I would really appreciate advice or some thoughts.

Thank you

x

[Eggshells]

Dear Hopefortomorrow,

Yes, it is very normal to experience a whole range of emotions, doubt and guilt are just 2 of them.

For our own safety, we have to stay quiet about leaving and as good, kind and caring people, the subterfuge goes against the grain.

I’m not sure how old your children are and how much they will understand. I raised my children in an abusive relationship and I know now that staying with their father did them more harm than good.

If your children are young, I’ve seen other ladies recommend “When Daddy hurts Mommy”.

However old they are, I am confident that you will be able to support them. Older children often understand implicitly. You may find that they have been more observant of their father than you realise.

Your partner will be fine whatever he might have others believe.

I felt really ready to leave my partner but I wasn’t ready to leave my job, the county and my friends. I’m not sure you can ever really be ready for that. You just have to do it unfortunately.

The ladies on the forum will support you; they’ve been there for me through the worst of times.

Thank you ladies. xx

[hopefortomorrow]

Dear Eggshells,

Thank you very much for your response and encouragement. I appreciate it and thank you for sharing your experiences.

My children are starting to see the signs that something is off with their dad as young as they are. They have expressed this to me verbally and sometimes they would even retaliate which brings on more anger from their dad. I realised (although I tried ignoring it) I have so much anxiety, stomach in knots around my partner, because we are walking on eggshells every day.
I really feel for them because the more I read up on the types of abuse, the more I see how it is affecting them (directly or indirectly). That is one of the primary reasons why we have to get out.

I agree with you there are so many different emotions during this time; I have always struggled with guilt (false guilt) being “trained” that way as a child.

Again, I thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot.

Hugs

xx

[Eyesopening]

YES YES YES,
Totally, I felt so much guilt for doing it behind his back.
I still have to re-confirm to myself I did the right thing.
From what i’m reading its totally normal to have these feelings, but we need to direct our sympathy to ourselves.
The abuser is definitely only thinking of themselves, so don’t waste anymore care or thoughts to them, it’s time to finally fully care for ourselves and have self compassion.

[hopefortomorrow]

Dear Eyesopening,

Thanks so much for writing back and for your encouragement. I guess guilt is how the abusers keep us trapped for so long. We literally have to push against it, to get out of the web they have created.
So true, self-care is so important, I am only realising that now, many years later. I always thought my job was to make sure all my partner’s needs are met and he is happy, to my own detriment, only to realise after so many years he actually does not love me or even like me at all. This is really sobering.

Thank you

Hugs

xx

[Overcome]

Short answer YES!

I went on for years knowing this relationship was not going to last, and dreamt of a life beyond it. The guilt kept me there for years, not only my own, but the guilt he put onto me about breaking a family apart etc…

It was that guilt for my children that kept me there, only now I’ve got out do I see that this is so much better for them than seeing their mother slowly self destruct and their father an angry and controlling man.

be kind to yourself, but be strong too!

With love,

Overcome x x x

[hopefortomorrow]

Hi Overcome,

I appreciate your response and thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps me to put things into perspective and push forward to get the children and myself out of this situation.
That is part of the guilt for me too, that I am breaking up a family. But what family, if the head of the family is only thinking of himself and abusing us in the process?

The more I read up on the different types of abuse the more I realise how it is affecting my children directly and indirectly. I just have to push past all these negative feelings to keep going.

Thanks so much Overcome, I appreciate the encouragement, I will try to stay strong.

Hugs

xx

[Hetty]

It’s all totally normal and understandable, especially when there are kids involved. There’s usually also that slither of hope that things will change.
Save yourself and your kids and be prepared for potential pleading, begging and promises of change.
For me, I left a lot in terms of material items, a beautiful home and what would look like a picture perfect marriage. On the inside I was dying.
Stay strong and focused. This forum is an immense support ❤️

[hopefortomorrow]

Hi Hetty,

Thank you very much for replying and sharing your experience.

My situation sounds similar to yours, on the outside it looks like the picture perfect marriage and family, but on the inside I am dying.
I always hoped that things would get better and thought if I changed maybe my husband would love me and also change, only to find out he actually can’t stand me.
I have finally gotten to a point where I had enough, enough compromise, the change I am expecting is only a mirage. The more you give, the more they want and take until there is nothing left of yourself but an empty shell.

Thanks for your encouragement, I am really awed by all the responses from all the lovely ladies on this forum.

Thank you ladies!!

Hugs

xx

[Hetty]

They hate everyone and everything unless they are pandered to and their needs are being met. My ex used to make things up when the fancy took him for a fight – looked at him the wrong way, say I’d moved his stuff even when I knew I hadn’t. His moods were so dark and I’d feel the cycle of abuse ramp up after a short honeymoon spell. They don’t change.
It’s not easy to leave but staying is the worse ❤️

[seekingfurther]

Dear HopeForTomorrow,

Yes! It’s one of the main reasons people don’t leave.

I think, though, we can be anxious and guilty about anything and everything. Our minds work in strange ways, especially when it’s been “corrupted” for so long. I can have huge moments of clarity (like right now) but it doesn’t mean in an hour or two I’m not doubtful about my own reasoning. I think we naturally make excuses for the other’s behaviour, we blame ourselves. We beat ourselves up because that is how we have been made to feel for years! We are agreeing with what we have bene told over and over again – it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your children will be more impacted by you staying than they ever could be by you leaving. It takes huge courage and strength – what a role model they will have!

I have tried to leave before and guilt and doubts made me stay, time and time again. But look where I am now? It will not change. If it could, it would have by now. Our relationship is broken. Our partners will be fine. They have shown the little care they have for us by doing what they have done all this time.

Mine is playing the guilt card right now, as he does each time. He has hoovered the house, done the dishes, done a wash – funny this only ever happens when it looks like we are over. It’s a tactic to bring those doubts, to bring that guilt. But I know this now and I know how it will end – I made HIM feel guilty. I am the bad one, always, of course!

[Author]

Posts