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Ive been out for a few months, he has his own house, kids slowly falling into a pattern of shared parenting that somewhat works… he doesnt speak to me, unless feels triggered by something stupid, but that happens less these days… Kids are learning to manage him too so dont become an escalation point, so I thought I’d feel good. Like I was moving towards indifference.
But every now and again I’ll see a picture, or experience something, that will make me feel sad and some nostalgia for what we had, the good times- back when he was still feeling loved, respected, so would reciprocate. I am in a new loving relationship but still sometimes compare with the good bits I had with ex, and think some parts were better, and I’ll never have it again. I am starting to perhaps grieve the loss of family moments, even as my new partner starts to be more a part of my life. It’s just obviously not the same, and I then feel an emptiness inside.
I dont miss my ex as such, I still fear him and whenever I run into him, he has such a grim angry face to me, it reminds me of why I had to leave, but when things are quiet and calm, I feel sad for the man I lost in my life witg kids, when he was good, when there was laughter and love, when we could chat for hours about our children and make plans for them. Its hard not having anyone to share those things with as no one else feels the same for them.
Is this just nostalgia, and getting used to a new normal, or is it what we call the trauma bond? I still can’t hate him, I still feel love for how things started decades ago and the family we raised… its like these memories are stronger than the bad, even though he has put me through hell specially through the divorce… when kids are with me, I worry about him being alone, I feel sad it’s come to this even if I didnt love him as a partner for years and feel a lot more content and calm and free now. I worry I won’t be able to connect with my new partner in the same deep way as we won’t share a family…
Not sure this makes any sense! -
Hi Eyeswideopen,
What you wrote makes perfect sense. I’m really glad that you feel able to express and explore these complex feelings here.
The nature of trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse can mean that the bond with an abusive partner is incredibly deep. The fact that you miss aspects of your relationship with your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re still trauma bonded to him. One of the confusing things with domestic abuse is that the person perpetrating the abuse is someone you have strong feelings, often love, for.
It’s easy to assume that there would only be relief at being away from the abuse once you’ve left, but actually there can be the same feelings of loss that we deal with at the end of any relationship. It’s normal to look back on the good times and long for that closeness. It’s okay to let yourself grieve both for what you had and any futures you had imagined for you together. It’s understandable that you worry you won’t have the same kind of closeness again. Relationships with abusers often start very intensely, so the bonds form quickly, but you can build and grown new, healthy connections over time.
It is completely normal to be feeling all of this. However, if you’re feeling stuck in these thoughts or feeling distressed because of them, you might want to look into accessing some kind of talking therapy to help you process the thoughts. Your GP can be a good starting point for finding out what’s available locally through the NHS or you can use the Counselling Directory to find private practitioners.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Hi Lisa, thank you so so much for your reply. It really helps to read. I’m on the waiting list for cbt. It’s not massively painful but uncomfortable as like you said, I thought I’d only feel relief and joy. The new relationship I’m in is balanced and loving but, like you said, it’s different as it should be! I guess I’m also at a different time in my life and often debating if I’d be happier were we to ever live together or should just protect my personal space and independence now. I am afraid of falling into my own pattens and unknowingly again taking responsibility for this new person, and it becoming a chore I feel trapped to in time… I then worry as dont want to mess about with him and just “use” him for company when I feel like it when he longs for a long term partner. I guess it’s all early days, out of the abuse and into a new thing, so I have to reflect on my feelings and take one step at a time. Recently the feelings of loss and sorrow have been high but it’s never made me regret my decisions or wish for a different path. I’m content with where I am now and jusf trying to learn with all these emotions:)
Thank you!!-
i think i read quite some time ago that women can have difficulties when they meet a decent partner. mainly because of the intensity of having been trauma bonded to an abusive partner, which leaves women thinking that their feelings they now have with a new partner are not quite ‘right’- as they dont feel such powerful emotions
usually abusers intially use a type of love bombing, & then you are up, down, all over the place with all the highs & lows involved in the relationship. a decent, loving, honest, caring, respectful partner will not cause such swings in emotions. it will probably feel quite stable & calm in comparison thats all so this may make you believe you dont feel ‘enough’
naturally there will be grief after losing your original family unit & it will just take time to really involve the new partner into your life with your children. but if its still early days you may find that as time passes although things feel very different they will improve quite a lot, because you can bond & connect with your partner in other ways x
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