This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Tiffany 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #87718
     Random. 
    Participant

    He hasn’t kicked off properly for a little while?
    I feel guilty about still wanting to leave him, it hasn’t been a massive amount of time since he’s hurt me but the attack wasn’t as bad or didn’t carry on for as long as it has done previously. He even seemed genuinely remorseful the last time after I passed out from a full blown panic attack, which he rarely is the rest of the times.
    I just wondered why we still feel confused about whether to leave or when everyone tells you it should be easier to just leave & they lose patience & faith in you so you start losing it within yourself too.
    How do we overcome these feelings?
    I swear I used to be able to make decisions & was a much stronger person its so frustrating.

  • #87720
     StillSmiling 
    Participant

    It’s definitely okay. I so understand, it’s part of the cycle of abuse. I stayed when the violence stopped for a short time. When it started again I was in a worse place because by that time I was hiding the relationship from everyone else. So when the violence started again, I literally had no one to confide in. Leaving is not an easy decision. And if you’ve been in this position before, I know how humiliating it gets asking for support from your friends. Especially if you’ve been singing their praises to try to save the situation. If you’re thinking about doing it, do if you can. You deserve a loving and happy relationship where you’re not looking round the next bend to see what’s coming. Sending hugs x

  • #87724
     Random. 
    Participant

    That’s it, you do completely get what I mean thank you. You just start to feel like things will be normal again (well not violent anyway, guess being used to things turning violent is the norm now..) You just get so used to having the same dreaded feelings everyday, walking around just simply plodding through not really living or enjoying things, just survuving day to day I guess.
    Like you say too it’s so hard to feel like anyone’s going to take you seriously because its happened time & time again. People have patience but ultimately it is your life & they just get tired of hearing about the situations which is fair enough. I just wish there was a clear of going about changing things for the better. Just feel exhausted all the time & so unhappy in myself.
    It sounds like you’ve been through the mill yourself, are you in a better situation now? X

  • #87732
     Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed 
    Participant

    Hi Random

    I’m sorry I don’t really have much to say to help especially because I’m taking painkillers that make me sleepy. It’s just your post was as if I’d written it. Im feeling the same, the same confusion. He’s also been less bad recently, less violent. I think it’s still best to think about leaving, at least so there’s a plan for emergencies? I feel the same as you that people lose patience but hopefully some understand. Its so hard, it’s not easy to leave but living on edge is hard too. I really hope you can get away from it too. xx

  • #87733
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Honestly, if he wasn’t abusive, and you were as unhappy as you currently are in your relationship, you wouldn’t hesitant to break things off. Abuse trains us to believe that we owe something to our abusers for their periods of good behaviour. It’s hard to clear your head of that thinking. But honestly, if a relationship is making you unhappy on a regular basis, you should leave it. This is true regardless of abuse, apportioning blame etc.

    Given that you are obviously in an abusive situation, where you know that he has the potential to make things much worse, then I would say a lull in abuse is the perfect time to leave. During the all out abusive episodes I didn’t have the energy to plan my escape. I left after what was probably the longest and best period in several years, because I finally managed to gather my strength and decide I wasn’t putting up with being miserable all the time.

    If you can do so safely keep notes about his behaviour in this good patch. I did this and realised that there was still subtle abuse going on while he was in a good patch. Mostly subtle digs, “helping” in ways which undermined my confidence. Saying things I found hurtful and then telling me I was overreacting. This helped me to stay firm in my decision that I needed to leave. For me it took a final push of some blatant verbal abuse and guilt tripping.

    Stay safe, and remember that your happiness is as important as his. He is always going to put his happiness ahead of yours, and in fact probably is made happy by your suffering. For you to get the chance of happiness you deserve you are going to have to put yourself first. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you selfish. A normal partner would want you to do what makes you happy. So you can do it and start living the life you want.

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