is it okay to never forgive an abuser? friend called me bitter

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi everyone,

i dont know if this is common for you, but do you feel as though friends and family say the wrong things and no one really gets you sometimes? i have little friends and the friends that i do have end up saying (detail removed by Moderator) which makes me feel EVEN MORE WORSE AND ALONE!
the reason why i post so much on here is because the women on this forum get me more than the people closest in my life, i feel like friends say (detail removed by Moderator) to me which makes me just wanna cut off everyone (i have long time till my first therapy session after leaving the abuse so i am struggling mentally).

My friend said to me ‘I hope he changes for the better’ (referring to my ex), is it bad that i want him to be miserable and not have a happy relationship again? i want him to live a terrible life and never find love. i hope he never smiles again.

i am now seen as disgusting and used goods as i lost my virignity to him. So why should he get his happiness and i am left as this used woman.
he has robbed me of my happiness and has left me with trauma which i believe will stay with me my whole life. I had his violence cause me to lose our beloved baby and have a miscarriage.
my friend referred to me as ‘bitter’ which i find so f*****g insensitive i feel like blocking her and never speaking to her again.

like ofcourse one day when i heal maybe i would want best for him but how can she f*****g expect me to want the best for him right now after everything he has done for me. like after accepting everything hes done to me how can i f*****g expect the best for that murderer? HOW? its literally been such a short time since i left the marriage how can she expect this of me? i find her (detail removed by Moderator) insensitive.

why are we always expected to be the bigger person?
i know revenge and not forgiving someone is like digging two graves.. one grave for my ex and one for me.

But why do peoplle think we should forgive others who have literally stepped all over us.
my evil husband stepped on me, spat at me, beat me up and put fire near my face to burn me. HOW CAN I EVER FORGIVE HIM?
i dont want to be labelled as a bitter woman? i hate that word especially because my ex said if i ever thought of leaving him i would remain bitter and single because no one will want me and he would easily move on because of his male privellege. Am i going to fulfil my exes prophecy?
i am still quite young but values in my community will cause me to never meet someone who will accept me as i have been married before. my parents are even saying the next time round i should marry a man from abroad and bring him to this country and maybe if im lucky he may stay with me. they want me to marry soemone who i wont be able to communicate with what b******s is this?

am i really a bitter woman like she says i am? and has any of you ladies here on the forum forgiven your abuser and hope for the best for him? truth is some part of me one day will forgive him but its just sad he has ruined my chance at my fairytale and i hate his guts for this. he robbed our baby from this world. whenever i would try leave my ex used to say lets see if u find better because u most likely wont. now im feeling i shouldnt have ever left.
being with him i wanted to die i took overdose on pills harmed myself and had the lowest self worth i have ever had.
being without him i am constantly undermined by those closest to me and i only have this forum to turn to. i hate life do things ever ever get better?

sincerely,

a absolutely broken woman

[Eggshells]

Hi,

It’s really normal to feel like you do. It sounds as though you have alot of anger in you and quite honestly, it’s not surprising.

My unborn child was also lost due to the actions of my ex. It has taken an awful lot of counselling and many years to work through it all.

What has happened to you is very unfair and the people that surround you really aren’t helping you.

I don’t know your community but you are a good person. You understand the injustices around you so I am confident that others in your community will too.

When you are raised in an abusive family, it us common to surround yourself with toxic people. Once you understand abuse, your mindset changes and you begin to repel toxic people. It takes time though.

I was wondering if you have given any thought to going into a refuge?

[LovingLife]

I feel your anger and find it very understandable. You went through hell and wanted to kill yourself being with him. You definitely made the right decision to leave. You are very courageous and strong as you are not only trying to heal from the abuse but also battle unhelpful friends and community.

Could you move elsewhere for a fresh start? A refuge might be a good starting point as you would also receive professional support to rebuild your life.

[KIP.]

You’re not bitter, you’re traumatised and grieving. Perhaps when you’re calm you could let her know this and how hurtful her words were. Her reaction will let you know if she’s a true friend. What I found as I learned about abuse was that I had abusive people in my life too that I had tolerated because their behaviour felt normal. It’s not kind, it’s not empathetic and if you choose to cut her out your life then that’s your choice but I know I’ve put huge distance between those I now know have abusive traits.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Hello Everyone! Hope you are enjoying your halloween with a scary movie and some chocolate!
thank you all very much for the support! i dont feel as alone <3

@eggshells i am really sorry for your loss.. i believe our unborn babies are in heaven now waiting for us in a garden we will meet them soon! i feel the trauma of losing my baby made me rely on him more i didnt want to leave because i was bonded to him through that. he would say if we have another baby it will just be like our first one they will look the same because the baby was half me half him. this made me wanna stay more i wanted that abusive mans baby so it can be like my baby that passed. i know i sound crazy but i just feel like another baby with someone else wont be as special as the one i lost (that sounds terrible but yeh 🙁 i just really wanted my angel).

@lovinglife and @eggshells i am not able to go to a refuge at the moment financially i have to rely on my family at the moment i am really struggling just hoping to find work. i also have a lot of fears living alone , what if my exes family or his friends find me and pressure me to drop the case against him. i really struggle to be independent, i think my family are okay i just sit in my room most of the time. thank you so much <3

@KIP you are so strong for doing this! i am afraid i will just end up barely having anyone if i was to do this as i am a socially awkward person and find it very difficult to make friends.
this is why my ex went after me he loved how introverted i was and he made sure he was my only friend.
its hard but as you say choose distance over disrespect <3

[KIP.]

Forgot to add yes it’s perfectly okay to never forgive an abuser, I will never forgive mine but I’m happy with that and can move on. I don’t see why I should forgive him. He doesn’t care if I do or not so why should I? Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[KIP.]

I regret allowing abusive people to stay in my life way longer than I should have x

[Eggshells]

Hi again

There are jobs that have accommodation included. It would kill 2 birds with 1 stone and maybe help you to get back on your feet and away from the relationships that don’t make you strong.

If you Google “jobs with free accommodation” you should be able to see a fair few options.

[Anonymous]

Brokenheartedgirl1234 you are perfectly within your right to not forgive your abuser if you feel unable to then that is how you feel right now your feelings/your rights, I’d question your friendship, if they know of what you’ve been through and that’s their response, it’s self healing time 💜💕💜

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that your friends and family are not being understanding towards you.
You are not bitter at all for not wanting to forgive someone who was horrible to you. Why does he deserve forgiveness?

I am in the same boat as you, about not wanting him to ever be happy. I don’t want him to improve after how he destroyed my life, I don’t want to see him treat another women the way I should have been treated.

I heard this quote once “Women, you are NOT rehabilitation centres for badly raised men” and its so true, its so deeply unfair that men like this are ‘allowed’ to learn from their mistakes by abusing you and then moving on to someone else.

Its completely understandable to hate your ex. I truly wish that you reach safety, happiness and freedom from all he has done to you.

[Author]

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