Is it or am I over reacting?

[lilaclady]

I think this is the question that just goes round and round in my head all the time. Am I over reacting, am I over sensitive am I a drama queen. Is this just normal fights that couples have? It all feels so confusing.

My partner is definitely a control freak and he is prone to outbursts of anger… I used to try and work out what triggered them, stress, things not going his way, things I did. But I have since worked out that anything and everything can trigger them. he gets incredibly angry says the most vile things and then as soon as he is over it, be that days or hours he acts like nothing has ever happened. If I try to talk to him about it or resolve things he just ignores me. SO tell me IS this abuse?

Is shouting at me for two hours in the car because I got a (detail removed by Moderator) wrong abuse?
Is getting very stressed before a long flight shouting at me in front of my baby and saying (detail removed by Moderator) and then proceeding to be nasty and horrible abuse?
Is being verbally abusive on a holiday calling me names and then throwing car keys in my face abuse?
Is making it hard for me to work, saying I am neglecting my family and being really grumpy (detail removed by Moderator) abuse?
And WHY am I questioning this? I think if I was my friend I would say, yes it is. There are many many more incidents too many to write down…And lots of them I do think are abuse but my mind gets confused with his mind games and emotional games.

This weekend he was in a foul mood all weekend. I went up the road for a walk with my son and I happened to run into a friend (one he despises) as she knows all about how he behaves. I return from the walk and I get asked who I saw, I didn’t tell him as I thought I can’t tell him I saw my friend it will make him angry. And then he called me a f**king liar (detail removed by Moderator) he said to my (detail removed by Moderator) son proceeded to say I was a gold digger and rant and rave at me until I couldn’t take it anymore and left in tears. And if I cry I am a victim.
Is it abuse being incredibly angry when your son wakes at night and blaming me for him being up?

he always says he has given me EVERYTHING and I am ungrateful and spoilt. And now I am completely shutting down from him due to his behaviour, sleeping in the spare room and now I am cold and we have a massive problem in our marriage thanks to me.

Help!

[Velveteenbun]

No you are not over reacting. My ex used to get angry if our son woke him in the night. I used to take him downstairs to avoid an argument.
This sounds like abuse. The throwing of car keys concerns me. I found with my ex and still find he pushes the boundry. If he does something and gets away with it next time it goes that little bit further and then a little bit further. It ended with him almost raping me after ohr relationship ended. He had gotten awY with so much sexual abuse that he stopped seeing where the line was. Luckily he realised he had crossed a line before he actually raped me but it wasn’t a nice experience and I have been terrified of him since that nivht because I know he is capable of anything if he thinks he can get away with it. Anyway my point is it is likely as he gets away with things his behaviour will escalate until he is dojng more than throwing car keys at you.
I would recommend ringing womens aid they are fantastic and will offer support. Also go to your gp and make sure you log with her or him the behaviour and how it is effecting you and any physical signs. Keep a record of the abuse. Don’t doubt yourself they are very very good at making you do that.
If you have lied to your partner because you are scared of his reaction then he is abusive. End of. xxxx

[Suntree]

Not over reacting. As you say if it was a friend talking you already know the answer.

The difficulty is knowing it and getting the energy to get out. Letting go of the dream you had when you married. The thoughts of a child needs a father…..

All I would say a child needs good, loving, caring and cherishing people in its life. Ones who will not only look after them but show them how to look after the other loved ones the child’s life.

I stayed too long because of not believing I could cope alone and that he was a good father. He wasn’t and I have coped alone and we are all thriving from not being around an abusive man who was getting more abusive as time went on.

[Pinklady]

Hi,
God sounds just like my partner, IT’s Not your Fault, it’s his.
I am getting blamed for ruining our relationship, although not married thankfully.
You are not over reacting, I thought the same doubted myself but my gut instinct was screaming at me, the way I’m being treated isn’t right, but still you go over everything & anything, was it because I did this or that?
No it’s because they’re losing the control they have over you even though you have only just realised your situation.
Get online if you can & read, read, read that’s the advice I got and it’s been amazing helping me to cope each day.

Keep posting, this site is invaluable and the helpline ladies are so supportive, I only joined a couple of days ago, it’s taken me months to realise what is happening, and while it’s not easy, knowing you are not alone makes a huge difference.
Take care, be strong & stay safe, good luck
xx

[lilaclady]

Thanks EVERYONE. Helps so much! Especially when now he is being all nice and lovely and I am just a confused mess!!! This site is so helpful. And also when I am now facing a whole weekend with him. And I just know what he will be like. If I am not all normal and nice that will p**s him off and off we go again. He’s said he is exhausted after a long week so I am hoping he will sleep in tomorrow morning then I am off to see some friends with my son (lifeline!!) and then somehow I will get through the weekend. I have seen a lawyer about leaving him which has totally overwhelmed but I know now that’s it not if it’s when I leave him.

Unfortunately I am not in the UK so ringing women’s aid is hard for me. I wish I could!

Thank you all this place is a total life line for me particularly when my family are very far away in the UK. xxxx

[lilaclady]

Oh and I read an amazing book about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans I think as recommended by someone on this site. Amazing opened my eyes!! And so helpful!! Still feels weird though when I read about the signs of a verbal abuser and pretty much every single one is him I still think really…. I guess it’s just that word “abuse” but it IS what it is.

[lostandbroken]

Good morning Lilac Lady 🙂

Your definitely not over reacting nor being a drama queen. Your partner sounds just like my ex abuser, i was always made to feel like i was being a drama queen if i got upset when he lashed out at me. Reading your story sounds just like mine, he threw keys at my face, spat on me, poured water over me, dragged me around the floor by my hair, strangled me to the point of blacking out, cut up my clothes, smashed the house up. My list is endless, and every time he snapped out of it he would tidy up, run me a bath or tuck me up in bed and be super nice. Even on our holiday he really lashed out on me because i let him sleep in, it was my fault for ruining his day because i didnt wake him up, i was on my holiday too!!! He never spoke to me all day, until i apologized to him for something i hadnt even done wrong. He never once apologised for any wrong doing unless i made a real point of him being out of order.

My final straw was after an argument, he sat and looked me in the eye and told me exactly what he hated about me, degraded my body, how ugly i am, how fat i am how much i repulsed him. He then allowed his son to talk down to me, and hit me. That was my breaking point, i gained strength and left him.

If you need anyone to talk to hun, you can message me anytime xx

[lilaclady]

Thanks so much Lostandbroken I really appreciate it! I am so glad you left him! How do you feel now you have done that? I am definitely getting to the point where I want to leave but it’s just getting the strength to follow through. I know he’s not right and I can’t do this Anya more I am just worried about how to do it and also it’s such a big step giving up on a marriage!

[strong soul]

My ex used to tell me I was disgusting and worthless and not fit to breathe the same air as him. It’s those words that still affect me the most. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and the occasional outburst, however it should always be followed up with an apology. As for your child, ask yourself this, would your child be happier with you and your partner separated, and not living in an environment filled with fear and anxiety, or together in an intense and toxic relationship. You have to make the choice yourself when you’re ready because only when you’re ready will you be strong enough to leave for good.

[lostandbroken]

Yes I agree with strong soul, you will know your breaking point. It took me months to get the courage to finally leave. I tried so many times but he always suckered me back in.

I feel lost right now but that’s because I’m descovering my own identity again, I’m going through every emotion possible but I know for sure I did the right thing. I know deep down I will find happiness again, I have my daughter to think about and her needs. She wasn’t gaining anything from me as a mother figure because I was busy being controlled by an abuser.

Things are falling back into place only after a few months, I have my own home again, my daughter is back with me again. I don’t have to explain my every move anymore, I feel free.

I do know just by reading your story your partners behaviour is the same as mine, it’s not good for you and your child and it’s not healthy. You both deserve health and happiness x*x

[lilaclady]

I definitely feel like breaking point is round the corner for me. I just can’t do this anymore and I can’t put my son through this. He suckered me back in (detail removed by moderator) when things were really bad. Not going to happen again. Making plans while he is away. Thanks all for your support in this. Just so hard to make that final decision xx

[Serenity]

The scary thing is that they behave like this because they think they can.

They think they’ve trapped you with marriage, kids, a home, and often finances ( they often control the money and limit your earning power).

Relationships shouldn’t be imprisoning or frightening.

He is acting in a 100% abusive way, Lilac Lady. We can see it clearly when we are in it.

[Serenity]

I mean we can’t see it

[lilaclady]

Yes very hard to see when you’re in it plus when they use the mind games to confuse you!

[Appin7]

Hi lilac lady,
Your man sounds much like mine and yes this is abuse with a capital A. He is manipulating you to think you are wrong, have misinterpreted things, are the cause of all his woes when in reality you are doing a very good job raising your child and managing to get up every day despite being bombarded by his ludicrous behaviour. Look up ‘n**********c behaviour’ and your man will be most those things. Look up ‘passive aggressive behaviour’ and he will be those things too. He is exactly like my man and it took me (detail removed by moderator)years to figure this out and I am only now starting the divorce process so I get the rest of my life as an independent and confident woman rather than the shell I have become. Get out now as soon as possible because he will only wear you down to nothing and this also impacts your child long term, my kids are (ages removed by moderator) and suffering from long term emotional abuse due to their dad being a self obsessed Narcissitic passive aggressive sociopath. It sounds strong using the word ‘abuse’ as it can seem inaccurate as we tend to think of being physically beaten but emotional abuse is equally as bad but unlike bruises the abuse never fades. He will never never change and never never stop. It is in his distorted personality to treat so badly.
You deserve better and you have to bite the bullet and split. I am doing so even though I will lose the house to him and will have to start over at nearly (detail removed by moderator) years old. But houses and material possessions are not as important as your future happiness. I could choose to stay – but why would I want to put myself rough another (detail removed by moderator) odd years of this c**p?
Go girl, go!

[lilaclady]

Thank you for this message! One I will read again and again every time I have doubts about leaving. Every time I feel scared about ending things. Such good advice. The word abuse always feels strong but I am getting used to it!

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