Is it over?

[Peonylove]

So (detail removed by Moderator) he ended it end his words were vicious. I knew it was coming, but it was horrible nonetheless. However, in the back of my mind I want him back despite what he has said and what he wants from me. I think I’ve been in denial that I don’t really love him, and I don’t want to face up to it. I think I’m just addicted to the cycle of on/off and him missing me and wanting me back even though it’ll never work. I’m not ready to block him so how can do I cope in the meantime? Everything reminds me of him and the pain is unreal.

[Eggshells]

Hi Peonylove

Unfortunately, it may not be over. He won’t let you go that easily which makes the separation even harder because he remains present in your life, keeping the hope and the addiction live.

In the past, other ladies have recommended blocking bit by bit. First for an hour, then gradually increasing the length of the blocks and decreasing the length of time between the blocks.

I was very lucky. I didn’t have this issue. I very quickly blocked him, once and for all after the first few repeated abusive messages were sent.

What your experiencing is very common and others will be along soon who can offer much more affective support. xx

[Peonylove]

Thanks eggshells. Call me crazy but I felt a pang of hope when you said it may not be over. I just want him back and for everything to be good again. We had so much to look forward to this summer and it’s breaking my heart that we won’t have that. I don’t want to be without him. Why can’t he see what he’s done?

[Anonymous]

I really , really feel for you as this will be the cycle of the relationship for you , he won’t see it and if he does take any responsibility that’s only so you take him back and then it will start all over again . I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t done this deliberately so you back down , it’s the threat of losing him , to keep you hooked , then you don’t call them out on their bad behaviour ever again, the fear of him ending the relationship, him going , it’s so you give him full control & power over you . I can’t tell you what to do , but hun unfortunately it won’t change, if you back down or chase him to come back he will know in future what will trigger you into complying with him , it’s so hard I know as I’ve been there so many times , but as much as it hurts you if he has ended it and means it , he has done you the biggest favour , in time you will see this x

[Anonymous]

It’s always going to be a boomerang relationship that’s all I had also , me telling him to go , him saying sorry or going then coming back , all empty promises, nothing changes hun x

[Peonylove]

Thanks Duchess. It’s been like this throughout the relationship. Him ending things or me doing it and then we come back together. I’ve no idea why I’ve become so weak that I’ll accept this behaviour. If it was a friend or relative I’d tell them to get out fast.

Anyway todays aim is to not contact him. He has a (detail removed by Moderator) that I know he’s worried about so I must try hard not to check in on him and wish him well. It’ll be hard for me as I just want him to know I’m thinking of him. I feel so stupid he has this hold over me and I’ve let it happen.

[Bananaboat]

Remember the loving, caring version of him that you crave and have all the hopes & plans with is the fake version and a mask which hides the bad one. Good luck x

[Peonylove]

Hi Bananaboat, and thank you. Yes I need to take off the rose tinted glasses. It’s so hard to do but hopefully time will help. I do want to reach out to him today 😔

[Peonylove]

I’ve caved and sent him a text wishing him well (detail removed by Moderator). I feel so stupid, what am I thinking? I doubt I’ll get the response I want so it’ll make me worse than I already. Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

You are so caught in that cycle that this is the norm for you as the relationship, I done this myself so much in the beginning as I began to rationalise the situation saying , oh maybe the argument wasn’t that bad , or maybe if I changed a bit , then I’d weaken and reach out after a few days of his silence , the feelings were so intense for him . But each time after there were more incidents ones worse than the previous times and it was getting worse & worse , I still went back . You know why ? As every time he done something wrong or said anything bad I forgave him and went back , in a way I was condoning it , it wasn’t a relationship I wanted , but I was so addicted to him , which is what you are going through I just kept in this cycle of making up / breaking up . This went on for a long time , our whole relationship was yo yo , we were together 24/7 so for me to just cut it was really hard at first . I think you kinda need like a friend who you can call and say I wanna reach out to him so she can distract you , that’s what I did . Every time I felt the urge I would try and distract myself by keeping really busy or listening to music , going out , if none of that worked I would call my friends and tell them the truth look I’m struggling, I miss him , I wanna talk to him , they would just listen and offer advice . It is so hard to break that bond and I’m sure they are aware of this , your constantly chasing that honeymoon period , it doesn’t last for long unfortunately. If you truly want to walk away I would read up as much as you can on the cycles of abuse & trauma bonding as knowledge is key in moving forward, but don’t be hard on yourself we have all been there , it’s your heart your thinking with not your head x

[Anonymous]

You gtta remember they know how to play the game , your weaknesses, they know what makes you think and they come out with all the mind games , different tactics to keep you hooked . It’s a rollercoaster of a relationship and very hard to get off , he knew you were going to text him , they know we get so hooked on them , we cave , they count on that every time . You had a weak moment that’s all it is , we are all guilty of that hun x

[Peonylove]

Thanks for your support Duchess. I’m going to do my best to resist contact over the next day or two, I need to do it for my own self respect albeit that’s in the gutter just now. I’m downloaded a few books and signed up to the Freedom Programme. I really don’t think my friends understand but my mum does as she was abused by my dad. She’s sympathetic but equally very worried and wants me to be strong, I just don’t think I’m there yet. On a lighter note I’m thinking about getting a puppy, though it maybe too soon just now. It’s been a nice distraction looking at them though 😊

[Anonymous]

I think that is a wonderful idea and a great distraction for you , I’m sure the puppy will be a lot easier to deal with than your ex and your probably get more enjoyment lol

[Wants To Help]

Hi Peonylove,

I’m so glad that you have found this forum and that you are reaching out for help and to get some understanding about abusive relationships. You have been given some great advice.

I’m pretty sure that by now he may well have responded to your message, he will know that if he’s dealing with something that you know he’s worried about then this will be the hook to keep you hanging from. By sending him a message wishing him well has given him the ‘in’ to reply with something that will cause you concern and make you feel that you can’t possibly give up on the relationship now because he is ‘vulnerable’ in some way, and you can be there to help him through this/fix it/support him etc. By turning it round to being ‘all about him now’ he will make you feel bad or guilty for bringing up any concerns you have with the relationship and use something like “you want to bring that up now when I’m going through this?!” It’s all part of monopolising the perception of what is really going on and turning it around to something to his advantage.

As everyone else has said, this relationship is never going to improve, all you are doing is delaying the happiness of the rest of your life. Do you still want to be going through this in 5 years, 10 years time? There are many ladies on here who have spent decades with an abuser, and knowing what they know now wished they had got out years ago.

My advice regarding a puppy is not to get one – not now. You are upset, hurt, your life has lost direction at the moment and you are on a knee-jerk reaction to find something to fill that void. A puppy is a commitment for 14-16 years and you have decided in a couple of days that this might be the option for you? You really need to think this through. If you work full time and will be living alone as a single woman then you can’t leave a dog home alone all day. It will tie up any spontaneity you may wish to go away for weekends or nights out with friends, you will have to plan your social life around dog care for a very long time to come.

When a relationship ends it is a life changing event, especially when we don’t really want it to end. I can tell you don’t want this relationship to end, you just want the abuse to stop and him to become a better partner. At this moment, your life is changing right before your eyes and you don’t know how to start coping or adapting to that. Many of us ladies did not understand the significance of this at the time, but life changing events do not always mean our life is changing for the worse.

If you love animals and want to spend some time with puppies/dogs then why not apply to volunteer at an animal rescue charity or the RSPCA? That will give you the distraction you are looking for without the full on, long term commitment. You can schedule in certain hours a week to commit to at weekends or after work that will fill your time and take your mind off him. It will give you an opportunity to meet new people who are also volunteering their time, make new friendships and find a new purpose in life for you. Volunteering can open so many doors to other opportunities. It will change your life in other ways that you will have never considered until now. We have to be pro-active in changing our life if we want an abuser out of it. No one will come and rescue us, we really do have to make these changes ourselves and it does take a lot of determination, commitment and hard work. It is human nature to resist change, especially when ‘change’ does not come easy. That’s why so many of us go back to what we know – life with an abuser is not easy but at least we know what we’re getting.

I have been on this forum for only a few years but I see ladies posting now from a position of recovery who were posting a few years ago when they were still trapped in the abuse. It is amazing to see these ladies go from Victim to Victor with the help of this forum and get their lives back. You can be one of those ladies too 🙂

[Peonylove]

Hi Wants To Help and thank you for your thoughtful reply, it really resonated with me.

He replied to my message (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve left it there. He’s in no mood to talk and I feel like he hates me right now. That’s hard for me to take. You’re right, I don’t want the relationship to end, just the abuse and rollercoaster to stop. I feel so sad I’ve lost him and the future we had to look forward to. I guess that’s just natural in any breakup.

As for the puppy, yes it’s probably not the right time to get one so I’m sitting on it for a while. Perhaps later in the summer when the dust has settled a little. I’ve wanted one for a while but agree it’s perhaps too soon.

The final thing outstanding between us is (detail removed by Moderator). I really don’t know what to do. Do I contact him to see if he wants to cancel (detail removed by Moderator), or do I write it off?

Victim to victor…I love that ❤️

[calendula]

My advice too would be don’t get a puppy…i did this and it was the biggest mistake ever….that poor adorable puppy could sense my total misery and he reflected that back to me everyday with his sad little eyes and would try and cheer me up but of course he could not take away my dispair it was so unfair on him….i feel like i damaged that poor little dog because i could never be happy around him and was crying almost all the time….i had to give him up in the end and felt so so guilty i’m actually crying about it now

[Peonylove]

Oh no, please don’t be upset. You did your best at the time and I’m sure the dog is now in a loving and happy home. I get what you’re saying. Thankfully I can’t do anything about getting a dog just now so maybe the idea will fall by the wayside

[calendula]

Thankyou Peonylove…of course your situation maybe totally different to mine….it could be a good thing for you so sorry to be negative 🙂

[Peonylove]

@calendula no need to be sorry, we’re all figuring this out and it’s tough. You were simply sharing your experience and I appreciate that xx

[Author]

Posts