This topic contains 7 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Candlefan 1 week, 5 days ago.

  • Author
  • #103944


    I left the abusive relationship a while back and couldn’t report it to the police during or soon after due to lack of support at that time, plus threats he had made.
    Over the years I have thought about reporting it again and again but I dont know where to go for advice. I dont want to just go and report it due to the same fears around him carrying out his threats. But I dont think I can truly move on knowing that he is able to live his life without this coming to light. I hate the thought of him doing it to someone else.
    I have no evidence now – does anyone have any experience of this?
    I’ve spoken to local domestic abuse support services but then the lock down started and I am struggling for private space at home to talk about it with someone.

    Any advice or shared experience would be really appreciated.

    Thank you if you have read this.

    Wishing everyone peace. X

  • #103948
     Wants To Help 

    Hi there,

    Yes it is possible, just like it’s possible to report historical sexual abuse.

    The Police will do a Risk Assessment to check what risk you are currently under (Standard / Medium / High Risk of imminent harm or death) and if they deem you are not High Risk and you are away from the abuser they will probably make an appointment to see you in a few days or so. Although you say you have no evidence now, things they will consider are any medical reports such as visits to your GP or hospital for any injuries etc (even if you told them at the time it was an accident the injury is still logged.) Any family, friends or work colleagues who witnessed you with injuries could be contacted to give statements too. Also, any children you may have that witnessed the abuse when they were young but are now older or adults can give statements if they are prepared to support you and give evidence against their Dad. That is very powerful in historical cases.

    The Police will obtain a detailed statement from you about what happened and use that to arrest your ex. Any evidence the Police obtained will then be put to the Crown Prosecution Service to see if it meets the ‘threshold test’ for a reasonable chance of a conviction at Court, unless of course he admits it in the police interview and can go to court on a Guilty Plea.

    You need to be prepared to go to Court and give evidence at a trial if necessary, but also be prepared that your ex may be arrested and released with No Further Action taken (commonly known as Released NFA). However, the arrest and evidence will still be recorded and show up on a Clare’s Law Disclosure in future if a lady makes such a request about him.

    Should it proceed to Court on a Not Guilty Plea and you are requires to give evidence you will get extra protection known as Special Measures. This means you can give evidence from behind a screen so you don’t have to see him in Court when you speak. You will also be appointed an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) to support you through the process. There is a lot of help and support in place for you if that is the route you wish to take.

  • #104001
     Snow white 12 

    Yes you can but I was told without photographic evidence or reported at the time it’s hard to prosecute but they are happy to listen to you And create a file so it is logged down . As before they will do a risk assessment for you x

  • #104005

    Talk to victim support. I believe you can report anonymously to them and they can keep your name but pass on the details to the police. And if there is a need then the police will contact victim support for your personal information if you’re ready to go to that next step. I’d run it past them. They have a helpline. Rape crisis offer the same service and it would be a good idea to speak to the domestic abuse unit for some more information. I’ve been told with lockdown the police are not investigating historical abuse at the moment. It might be different in your local force x

  • #104031

    Yes you can. It took me about a quarter of a century to finally report a rape, only to find myself getting muddled with my ex husband. I know that the man who raped me did the same to other women. It’s so long ago and traumatic to re-live. It’s the same with my ex husband. Whatever the police do, it’s important to have your voice heard, and it’s likely that you’re not the only one.

  • #104208

    Hi, I’m so glad you posted this and I’m so sorry for what you have been through. I have left a relationship with my ex for (detail removed by moderator). He is an alcoholic and drug user. After a restraining order ran out in (detail removed by moderator) he can now visit and contact me. I don’t want to cut all ties as we have 3 sons together but he is never interested in them, only me. It’s sad to see and the boys have also noticed. He messages a lot with loving and then threatening messages. I despise him, he makes my skin crawl but at the same time I feel empathy for his addictions and that he can’t / won’t give up. In the past he has drugged me/ raped me/ made my life a living hell to be honest but I don’t feel I can move on. I feel he is still in control of me and I cant shake him off. The thought of ever meeting anyone else and actually having ‘nice’ sexual experiences seems unachievable after what he’s done to me. Anybody else feeling this way?


  • #104214

    Hi candlefan, yes the thought of being intimate with anyone bar my oh makes me ill, he is still the only one I want but the thought of being intimate with him is just not going to happen either, I couldn’t, not afte all he’s put me through. I’m starting to forget how bad it was, like literally can’t remember. If I had to go to the police I’ve no idea how or where I’d start, I have diaries and letters to myself, dating back years. So for the time being I’m keeping it in. Mine was coercive, manipulative, threatening behaviour, name calling, previous physical attacks to me, my kids when they lived with us years ago, and my pets. The times he threatened to (detail removed by moderator)!! I’ve been away (detail removed by moderator) now, am in my own place and I feel awful. I know it’s because i’ve stood up to him again by distancing myself, cutting more ties, know it’s withdrawal symptoms and I know If I saw him I’d temporarily feel better,but it wouldn’t last. So I’m pulling on my girls pants today, going to keep as busy as I can. It’s all we can do.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #104226

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, it just doesn’t seem to get better does it? I don’t think closure is an option with these sort of relationships! I hope you have a good day wearing your big girl pants, take care x

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