Is it really abuse?

[backtome]

I read some people’s stories in here and I think maybe my situation is just that I’m overreacting because it’s nowhere near as bad as those. Is it just that he parents differently to me, is it just that I’m too soft etc.

Some examples of what I *think* is abusive.

He says to our young daughter “I don’t want to shout but you’re making me shout”
He goes mad if he finds her in my bed in the morning but finds is perfectly acceptable for her to sleep downstairs on the sofa with him.
Let her watch an inappropriate movie then blamed her for causing an argument when she told me about it.
Answers before I get a chance when our daughter speaks to me
Causes an issue when I say I’m going to see family or friends
Doesn’t understand why people won’t come to my house when he’s there.
Tells her off for interrupting when he’s talking but is happy to interrupt us when we are talking to each other or reading a story etc.

There is more, but they all seem so trivial. He’s never been physical and if I argue my point eventually he will back down, but it takes a lot of effort and energy and upset that it’s not often i bother arguing my point as i’m a peace keeper. Am I just too weak willed?

[Lisa]

Hi backtome,

I don’t think you are overreacting, you can’t compare pain. There is no justification for abuse whether that is physical or emotional.

From what you have described, it sounds like the relationship with him is like a power struggle. Perpetrators of domestic abuse have issues around power and control. They don’t like being criticized and cannot admit when they are in the wrong (the film your daughter watched), they want to isolate you so make it difficult to see family and friends and the atmosphere in the family home always depends on their mood.

This isn’t trivial, this is what you are experiencing day to day. Are you in touch with a local domestic abuse service? You could book an appointment to see someone in person.

If you need to you could also call the helpline on 0808 2000 247.

I hope you are finding the forum a supportive place to be

Best Wishes

Lisa

[backtome]

What you say make perfect sense, is a power struggle every day, over everything from the remote control to parenting our little girl. Also spot on about the mood and atmosphere in the house hold relies on his mood.

I’ve got the number for my local DV service but haven’t built myself up to calling them yet as I’m not good on the phone and would rather see someone in person.

Thank you for clarifying things x

[Tiffany]

Does your local DV centre do drop ins? If you can get to one that might be easier? Depends on how far away it is of course, but it might be an.option.

[backtome]

Thanks for replying Tiffany, I think its you who just commented on my other post about getting out. I’m hoping to speak to someone in the near future and get some advice/clarification. x

[Serenity]

Hi Backtome,

I can identify with your situation. My ex was very pushy and dominant. Everything had to be his way or the highway.

The trouble is, you’re scared to not go along with it because of the fall-out in standing up to them.

So without realising it, your find yourself sacrificing, hiding it denying your true self, your natural personality, your wants and your needs. These dominant people just want everyone to be reflections of them.

In a relationship with such a person, people can’t be themselves. They need to twist themselves into shapes to suit the dominant partner. Trouble is, abusers also often move the goal posts continually: whatever you do only placates them for so long, then they move onto some other issue whereby to control or limit you.

What invariably happens is that the suppressed partner gets to the point where they can’t beat the control anymore and they leave. Or they are too scared to admit the unhealthy dynamics in their relationship for various reasons, and their suppressed feelings end up affecting their health.

My counsellor made me realise how relationships need to be authentic and real. Control freaks don’t allow us to be fully ourselves. They try to put us in a box. If we try to escape the box, we are punished for it.

I imagine that it must be stifling living with such control, and yet like my ex, he seems to have no control or limits set for his own behaviour, and his parenting isn’t always appropriate. As a mother, you are entitled to voice your concerns if you feel your child is being exposed to inappropriate things.

I don’t know if your partner is aware of what he is doing regarding exposing your child to inappropriate things. Some people are just so unaware of others’ needs they just fail to think things through properly- yet they are able to see others’ faults ( real or imagined) very clearly, as if through a magnifying glass.

If he has an abusive nature, the problem is that he will deny any wrongdoing- to himself, or others. He will justify his behaviour to himself, telling himself other people are wrong, exaggerating or deserve it. I can tell abuser’s a mile off nowadays, and one indicator is a failure to admit they are ever wrong. Apologies aren’t sincere.

Keep posting. You’re not exaggerating. His behaviour is domineering and essentially abusive. He’s not beating you up, but he is dominating you, overpowering you and not allowing you choice. In a healthy relationship, the power and choice is equally balanced.

My ex has never admitted his abuse. I think he excuses his behaviour by saying that he has a strong personality ( his words). Thing is, if other people treated them how they treated us, they would go mad. We are supposed to treat them like royalty.

One thing I would like to point out is that abuse leads to loss of self. Over time, the abuser’s power and controlling behaviours chip away at our sense of self and independence. This is why many women end up staying, blaming themselves and losing their identity. If I could give women any advice, having suffered abuse and control for decades, if would be to hold onto your sense of self, protect it like it’s gold. Keep hold of your standards and values, the qualities that make you who you are. If you feel in your heart that something is right of wrong, don’t ignore your hunches. Don’t give more value to your partner’s views and opinions than you do your own. Ask for outside opinion and feedback ( discretely; an abuser doesn’t want you to discuss what goes on behind closed doors). Keep on asking for the opinions of wise and trusted people. Domineering people will try to change and brainwash you, and one of the ways they do this is to isolate you and stop you from talking to others.

X

[Tiffany]

Good luck! And this post is replying to the wrong post. Sorry. Apparently the reply button is over, not under the post you are trying to reply to.

[backtome]

Thanks Serenity, everything you say makes sense. Also, he doesn’t think I’ve got my own mind. If I do something he doesn’t like he automatically thinks it was one of my friend or family’s idea. When I made him leave the first time, he’d got into my phone and taken screen shots of messages between me and my mum and me and my friend to try and prove they were “telling” me what to do, even though they weren’t, they were just giving me support in my own decision.

I suffer with mental health issues, I had (mild) depression before I met him and I still have it now, I’m still on medication which got increased near the start of this year. I hate it because it makes me so “blaze” about everything, hence why I let him come back I think.

x*x

[Author]

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