Is it really me? Genuine question TW Sexual Assault

[Scarecrow]

Although we have a heatwave at the moment I can’t seem to get out from under a black cloud, I feel so worthless and am genuinely concerned that this issue with my relationships is me – not the other party.

Part of the reason my relationship prior to this one ended was because I felt that he had sexually assaulted me and I could not forgive him – more so as he denied it was assault and said it was him asserting dominance. Now this relationship is going south over sex related issues – maybe i am the problem. I had to see my ex a few days ago and he was talking, in general, about women who cry rape and how he wouldnt wish it on anyone. I felt so small and have been questioning myself ever since. The thing is, I go back to that night and there was no concern for my feelings, pinned down without even asking what i wanted and not getting off when i struggled. Maybe I didnt struggle hard enough? Its the same with my current relationship – even though i had told him i wasn’t in the mood, he kept on until i just froze/didnt have the strength to say no again.

[KIP.]

It’s not you. Rape crisis have a brilliant helpline so I’d chat with them. Thames Valley Police have a video called A Cup of Tea. Google it. It describes consent really well. It’s definitely not you. Can you imagine doing to your partner what they did to you? Consent must be given freely without coercion or fear. If the police asked them to describe how you consented. What would they say?

[nbumblebee]

Ive told my story many times on here but to re cap I was abused as a child then raped as a adult by seperate family members. For years 20 in fact I blamed nyself for the rape well both actually I never said no. Well not load enough not forceful enough in my head. I believe i was drugged when i was raped as my memory is hazy but I remember trying to push him off him laughing holding his hand over my mouth as his wife and kids were upstairs I blame myself every day. My husband is also forceful will do what he wants even if i say no he still goes on and on and gets nasty if i continue to say no.
Rape is a horrific word another I struggle with so bad but I am starting to see that maybe it wasnt my fault back then maybe i will always have that doubt but its getting less thanks to counselling. I think thats the way to go sweetie talk it through with someone who can help you see that none of this is your fault none of it. If its your fault then its mine and its the next lady who has the same story….
Talk it through get it out as hard as it is to talk about and im not there yet even after a year of counselling but Im trying and thats the thing they can and will help you sweetie but you gotta reach out. Xxxxx

[Author]

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