Is it that bad?

[Lionsloth]

Everybody (Children’s services, the police, IDVA etc) keep telling me they are really concerned about me and consider I’m high risk from my ex partner. They are desperate for me to make a formal complaint and take action but I don’t know that there is a complaint to make, don’t think it’s domestic abuse, more just my ex can be an idiot!
We split up (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but continue to have contact in part because we have children together. In the past, both when we were together and since we’ve split up, he has been violent, strangling me, head butting me etc and loses his temper if he doesn’t get his own way. Because of this I tend to avoid annoying him and do what he wants. This includes meeting up with him regularly for sex. I guess I do this to keep him happy because it’s easier.
But he’s not involved in my life everyday, we don’t live together, we don’t really spend time together except when we meet for sex and generally we get on fine. But everyone is concerned we only get on fine because I let him do what he wants because otherwise he’s horrible. Plus recently although we get on fine currently the sex has turned more violent (slapping/hitting, pulling my hair, strangling me).
Although I get it’s a weird situation I kind of feel everyone is seeing it as worse than it and are getting in my head and making me think there’s a problem when really it’s me just choosing an easier life. Plus what would I go to the police about? I can hardly complain that I go to see him, knowing it’s for sex but just don’t like what happens but I still go back and I don’t have the guts to tell him no or to stop.
I just don’t know what to do to get everyone off my back. Magic wand anyone?

[Eggshells]

Hi Lionsloth. I’m not sure that I can really help you. I feel like you are hoping that someone will tell you that your situation is ok and that you are safe?

I can’t help but think that you have normalised your situation to help you cope. Unfortunately, it isn’t normal to have sex with your ex in order to stop him from hurting you.

Now it sounds as though your ex is becoming violent anyway, using sex as a conduit because it is the only opportunity he has to use violence against you. Honestly, I think this sounds really dangerous. He is slapping you and pulling your hair and by strangling you, he is putting your life at risk. I really can’t say that this is safe. It’s very, very dangerous.

If your child was telling you that a friend was doing this to them, how would you react?

[Headspinning]

I have to agree with eggshells. Why should anyone have to have sex with someone they are no longer in a relationship with just to keep the peace? If your daughter grew up to be in that situation would you be happy? It’s control. What would happen if you didn’t go? Do you actually want to have sex with him? With the violence also creeping in?
If the answer is yes, maybe you have self esteem issues that you don’t think you deserve better. If no, then you are being manipulated and controlled to do something you don’t want as you fear the consequences.
You are normalising something that is really not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lionsloth, I think it is bad. He is still controlling you sexually it seems and if he has abused you before, it is likely he could do it again. From my experience I think once you leave the abuser you cannot have contact because for one they are dangerous people and they will never fully accept it’s ended because of the level of control. I think you should stop meeting him for sex then see how you feel about pressing charges.

[Author]

Posts