Is it that bad?

[Blaze01]

Hi this is my first time ever posting on here, I would be grateful for any advise or guidance.

I have been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). Finally I have spoken out about his behaviour towards me for almost (detail removed by moderator) now. We share two children together age (detail removed by moderator).

What I’m asking is for anybody reading this to tell me if what I’m going to say is domestic violence, I know that sounds so strange but when he has drummed it into me for so many years that I’m being dramatic and it’s not as bad as I’m making out, I started to believe it. So here goes:

Throwing me into stairs
Rugby tackling me to the floor
Putting me in a head lock and dragging me from room to room
Putting his hands round my neck
Pinning me up against the wall
Pinning me to the floor to the point I had extensive bruising (detail removed by moderator)
Hitting me round the head with (detail removed by moderator)
Hitting me round the head (not a punch)
Grabbing my hair and pulling my head back

When i retaliated back at times, he became more violent to the point on one occasion he told me (detail removed by moderator) whilst he squared up to me, fist clenched.

After the majority of the incidents he was never truly sorry, he minimised the actions abc told me it’s because I was in the wrong bag eventually I started to doubt myself.

It’s a hard habit to break.

All these occasions happened not very frequently at all sometimes it wouldn’t happen for (detail removed by moderator). I’ve also seen to have forgotten some of the incidents is that normal? I wrote down a lot to remember.

The problem is in other aspects of my life my husband is an amazing person. I’m struggling to understand why this has all happened and I’m doubting whether it actually happened at all. This is the first time I’ve told my family and friends and taken steps forward to leave him. He is now telling me he (detail removed by moderator) change (detail removed by moderator), yo give him one more chance (detail removed by moderator).

Please can someone tell me what to do, I am so lost and desperate.

Thank you

[KIP.]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing domestic violence and abuse. Gaslighting and lying. Please contact your local women’s aid. Abusers mess with our heads. Minimising the abuse and blaming us. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Abuse always gets worse and as victims we minimise the abuse as a way to cope. What he’s doing is abuse, illegal and also child abuse. Abusing the mother of children is child abuse. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline which I think would be good for you to ring anonymously. You can also talk to the domestic abuse police unit. He’s hurting you deliberately and he chooses to do so. None of this is your fault x

[Anonymous]

Hi Blaze01,

Yes, you are experiencing domestic violence. He will have trained your mind to minimise the way he does, and to accept blame. This is not your fault, nothing is wrong with you, and you do not deserve this.
I’m guessing he gets violent if you ever question his behaviour, refuse sex, or don’t do something they way he wants. Equally, they can get violent if asked to do something they don’t want to do, even if it’s completely reasonable. It is against the law to treat you the way he is, please keep your journal somewhere safe. Maybe with a friend or family member. If he knows you are becoming aware of him being an abuser you will be more at risk. I don’t think men like this change, they behave this way due to an ingrained thinking pattern.
I thought my ex was an amazing father because of how he behaved sometimes. Look up cognitive dissonance. It’s really hard to have two conflicting ideas about our partner. I also forgot incidences of abuse, and my children too. I think it’s just a way our minds deal with things in order to cope and survive. It might also have to do with the abuser denying things that have happened. We can get to a place where we accept their version of the story, even when it is not true.
I agree with KIP. Contact your local women’s aid. You will need support. Your partner is very violent and dangerous. You will need an action plan to stay safe, as separating can be the most dangerous time. But don’t let it stop you. You are not breaking up the family. He is! My ex use to pull this card out too when I told him I wanted to separate. And I believed him! Kept me in the relationship for years. Your partner has done and continues to break the family. He creates an abusive and unhealthy environment for your children. Again, this is not your fault. They have all sort of ‘reasons’ why it’s your fault. A good man would never do the things your partner is doing.
We are here to support you. Please feel free to message me whenever.
You are not alone.
Best wishes xx

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse in domestic abuse. It explains how he can be so nice. That’s just an act to keep you trapped in the cycle x

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