Is it the same?

[Lottieblue]

I kind of know the answer to this already, but I’d love to explore it and hear your thoughts…

Now that I have left, my husband (not quite ex, but will be) is behaving in a similarly abusive way towards our young adult daughter – silent treatment if she tries to stand up to him, constant invalidation etc.

The question in my head is that, while this imbalance of power is clearly abuse within a marriage, to what extent does it differ within a (still financially dependent) parent-child relationship?

Not really looking for answers, just thoughts…

Love to you all x*x

[Bananaboat]

I’m tired so probably not fully understanding the question, my apologies, but if it’s whether this behaviour is abuse towards your daughter then yes it sounds like it. My story is similar although my ex is not my eldest’s father but he’s fully turned his behaviour on her since I’ve ended things (still in same house), she’s ignored, he sulks if she’s in the same room, he criticises her whenever he gets the chance etc, yet when his child from a previous relationship is in the house he turns on the charm and pretends he’s her best mate then moans when she’s not interested in reciprocating. I know a lot of this is to goad a reaction from me and maybe your ex is doing the same (way to get to us!), make sure your daughter understands it’s him at fault not her and that you don’t agree with his actions and she can talk to you.x

[Lottieblue]

Thanks BB. I know she understands that his behaviour is wrong, I would just like her to realise how wrong it is… if she were to understand that it is abusive, then she might feel alright saying “no more” and making the decision to stay away from him. However, I think she just sees him as a s**t dad and something she has to put up with.
I left the family home, he is still in it, so she goes there to be “home” rather than to be with him. But however conscious she is that his behaviour is wrong, I would love her to actively decide that she just doesn’t want to be anywhere near him. It breaks my heart to see her having to endure the same behaviour I did.

[Bananaboat]

It’ll probably come, my daughter figured this out with her dad all by herself. Maybe just softly ask if you aren’t already, do you want to go this weekend, or just let me know if you ever just want to stay here. Maybe she’s weaning herself away from the home or has a sense of loyalty, would a touch of counselling help? x

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