Is it time to move on?

[Wearestrong24]

Hi everyone,

I never imagined I’d be here writing this and I’ve read some awful posts about how men treated you. Mine isn’t as bad but it’s early days and I’ve been told it could’ve escalated further.

I’ve been seeing this guy (detail removed by Moderator). It was going so well. He put in so much effort and made me feel special. He asked me to be his gf (detail removed by Moderator) months in. It was on our (detail removed by Moderator) date. Tbf it felt right as literally minutes before it happened, a lady walked past us and said (detail removed by Moderator).
Things were going great until he started becoming distant in (detail removed by Moderator). I knew it was to do with work or he had doubts about me for whatever reason. We managed to talk it through, he apologised and said he will work on his communication, he just needs time as he hadn’t been in a relationship for years.

He put the work in and we were fine for a while until the communication issue happened again. Where he used to update me if he can’t text back or if he’s going out for drinks, that reduced. Texted me here and there but kept me wondering for ages what he’s up to.

Everytime I said it’s upsets me that he can’t reassure me or can go the whole day without communicating, he’d reply (detail removed by Moderator) and blame me for starting an argument.

We got over it again for each situation. He asked me to move in with him a few times and I said ok, let’s discuss in (detail removed by Moderator).

I looked at my finances and I couldn’t afford to move in with him. He wanted to split everything 50/50 too. He took that very personally but never communicated how he felt until weeks after. He did become distant again and then when we finally had the discussion he said he felt like a mug because he told his friends and family (we hadn’t confirmed anything yet at this point).

We fixed our relationship and I had to go away for (detail removed by Moderator) .

We were fine during this time and communicated well. (detail removed by Moderator) before we were meant to meet up, he went distant again because (detail removed by Moderator). He judged me on my role when I was openly honest with him since day 1 and I told him my earning bracket (not exact amount). (detail removed by Moderator) I went to his place and said it’s not cool ignoring me. Saying you’re busy is not an excuse. He had been saying he’s really busy for a while.

We squished everything that day and we got better. (detail removed by Moderator) he had some bad news from work so I worked with him to feel better.

(detail removed by Moderator) he was a bit distant but I respected the fact he was at work so didn’t say anything.

(detail removed by Moderator) however I had a bad feeling he had been drinking which I asked him about the day before as well if he had plans and he said no.

He didn’t text me the entire day and when he said (detail removed by Moderator) I replied (detail removed by Moderator). He used to do it. He lashed out at me over a call, swearing, shouting, body shaming me and saying women belong in the kitchen. I’ve never seen this side of him and it took me by surprise.

I am a gym girl with curves so for him to belittle me like that hurt because I lost over (detail removed by Moderator) and finally found happiness within myself.

Out of anger I blocked him (detail removed by Moderator) and cancelled our tickets for our weekend away (detail removed by Moderator). I unlocked him (detail removed by Moderator) but didn’t say anything. I don’t know what to do.

When we are good and in person, we are really good. It’s when we are apart, he acts like he’s alone and seems to forget how to be in a relationship.

I’m really confused as I see potential but also think this isn’t right

[Lisa]

Hello Wearestrong24,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through with us, it’s really good that you’ve been able to recognise some concerning behaviours in your relationship and have decided to reach out and talk about it, it can be really helpful to talk with others who understand.

I can really hear the confusion you’re feeling, sadly that is a common feeling when we are living in an emotionally abusive and psychologically coercive relationship.

From what you’ve described in your post, your partner sounds controlling and emotionally manipulative. It sounds as if the relationship may have begun with ‘love bombing’, something many women here on the forum will be familiar with, and has gradually become more coercive and toxic. This is sadly a common pattern with emotional abuse, it can be really subtle at first (things like silent treatment, small digs or starting arguments over small issues) and difficult to identify when other parts of the relationship are good and we’ve invested in someone.

You’ve done the right thing by reaching out, I’m sure other users will be along soon to offer support too.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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