Is living alone the answer?

[Janedoeissad]

How many of you lovely ladies lived alone after leaving?

I’m living with people now and I hate it but for reasons which are rather selfish.

With my ex, as strange as this sounds bearing I mind he was abusive, the house was a quiet place. Might be because he was in a huff with me but it was still nice to have a quiet time before bed. In fact, as sad as it sounds. I had a total bed time routine which helped me get ready for sleep. I was also in the countryside where it was pin drop quiet from 9pm and there were no street lights.

I hate the fact that people come and go throughout the evening right up til midnight, mostly coming home from work. I hate that people whisper in the hall way as I’m trying to sleep. I hate that lights go on and off as people are getting ready for bed. I hate that I can hear the microwave going as I’m trying to sleep. I hate that I can hear people going the loo throughout the night. I HATE all these mundane normal house noises. I WANT silence from about 8pm unless it’s the TV. I NEED all lights off once I’ve gone to bed.

I also hate how the house is never in complete darkness.

Then I realise how controlling these demands sound and I cry. That’s when I realise I need my own space. I can have my way without having to control other people.

Plus I feel controlled by them in a way. I feel I have to live by their bedtimes. Their rules and I don’t want to.

My gut instinct was to live alone when I left and I think I need to listen to that now and make a plan for when the other house is sorted and finances are freed up to do it.

[KIP.]

I lived alone. I couldn’t have lived with noise. I was on high alert and any noise in the house would make the anxiety worse. I sleep with the lights on. Having my own space was the best thing ever. In the first few months I was terrified and sometimes would sleep on my mums couch or at my sisters but I think you should work towards your own space or rent a room from someone who works away a lot x

[Serenity]

Hi there,

I can completely sympathise.

I think it’s a reaction to PTSD/ anxiety. You become hyper vigilant and hypersensitive to noise, etc. Plus I have been going to bed so early!

Don’t be critical of yourself. It’s your body, mind and emotions’ way of coping.

I’ve been thinking recently how I would love to live in a very remote place. I just want peace and quiet x

[Tiffany]

I worked around housesharing because I couldn’t afford other options, first with flatmates then with family. The most important workaround technique I developed was listening to audiobooks as I fell asleep. I spent my first month of freedom jumping at the slightest noise especially at night. I had also moved from a quiet house to a noisy one, and I definitely struggled. The best workaround for sleep for me was to listen to audiobooks on my phone as I fell asleep. I kept them turned down low so as not to disturb people and set them to turn off after an hour, they just mask the other noises in the house and helped me sleep. You could equally use music or a white noise type app if you found that more soothing. I have to say that I think learning to deal with the anxieties caused by noise has probably speeded my recovery, but it is hard work.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks for your reply KIP.

I’ve just realised that some of this is to do with my own anxieties. I used to leap out of bed to investigate any little noise as I didn’t want it to wake my ex as he would get mad if something woke him. I now realise my need for silence and order at bedtime is because that hyper vigilance to noise is still there.

I still think I need my own space for many other reasons but perhaps I need to use my time here to get rid of that particular anxiety? Learn to not freak out and know that no one is going to shout if there is a respectful noise level.

[SunshineRainflower]

I don’t think it’s just abuse that causes this, it sounds like you are just someone who likes peace and quiet and that you have learnt that about yourself from this experience which you can act on moving forward. Your description reminds me of when I lived in university halls, I hated it! I much prefer to have my own space, set my own rules, not have to deal with other people using the kitchen and bathroom all the time. In the past I have enjoyed living with clean, considerate and quiet housemates but most people aren’t like that. It would drive me mad having to deal with all that noise again, maybe you are just an introvert (I definitely am!)

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Janedoeissad,
I haven’t left yet, but what you said in your first post is the reason I’ve been saving to rent my own place.
Like Sunshine was saying I too am an introvert, but I’m also a lover of peace and quiet.
I don’t sleep much, my husband snores and I’m a very light sleeper. I’ve slept on the sofa for over 8 years but he insists on following me. He goes up to bed for a while then comes down when his alarm goes off (he works shifts but doesn’t turn the early morning alarm off). He then sleeps on the other sofa. If I go up to bed he usually follows within minutes! For months he woke me up every night to drag me up to bed with him. In the end I was so exhausted I threatened to punch him if he didn’t leave me alone. That’s when he started sleeping on the other sofa, telling me he couldn’t sleep if I’m not in the same room. I’ve spent most of my adult life wishing for peace and quiet and a space I could call my own. Yet I’m also petrified of being alone.
I can totally understand why you’d want your own place, peace and quiet, keep working toward your goal. My son listens to audiobooks to get to sleep. I usually have a winding down routine, but it’s doing personal hygiene, seeing to my sons pets, locking up and checking windows then have a relaxation routine or my mind won’t switch off. Unfortunately I rarely get more than 4-5 hours sleep, sometimes less. Lack of sleep makes everything much harder to cope with. You are not being selfish wanting your sleep, it’s a basic human right. Good luck

[Anewbreath]

Hi janedoeissad
I dont know if living alone is the answer for everyone… I guess like what some of the others said it depends on you and definitely who you are going to be living with. I live alone now, after a couple years with my abuser…i was considering moving in with a good friend, who is male … But i am glad I didnt. I like my space.. All the little noises you describe that irritate you about living with your current flatmates would irritate the hell out of me as well. Perhaps if i had a sister or really good female friend that knew what was going on with me i would be ok living with them… But another male..even though he is like a brother… Our dynamic is not that conducive to me healing… Even though support is an important aspect of healing. I needed my own space… To cry, to walk around however, to play music and it not be bothering anyone, to have peace and quiet exactly when i want it. So I am really glad for this alone time. My home is my sanctuary, as it should be for every person. A noisy renter is now above me. Someone called the cops for him already and honestly i was glad. I wont think twice about calling them too if he disturbs my peace

[Fuzzyfelt]

I completely understand how you feel, and whilst you think it’s control it’s more about you feeling safe and in control of your environment!!! hate it when my house is empty as I feel so lonely but hate the sounds of other people in the neighbourhood, dogs barking etc. I get irritated by my children figiting, taps dripping,… everything . I’m just so irritable 😱
Only way I can sleep is to listen to hypnosis or meditation on YouTube or Spotify . And put on an eye mask if you need darkness ( I used to do that when I had to sleep in day after night duty)
I guess it’s about adjusting to a new lifestyle whether we like it or not.
I hope you find some tranquility soon

[Author]

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