Is my dad an abuser or am I the problem?

[Still-trying]

Ive asked this question before but it’s something I battle with and convince myself Im wrong regularly.

So we’re on the way to a family day out for my mums birthday, I’d bought mum a day out voucher for two for her birthday and they were talking about that. My Dad said she’d take Her friend and she said well we could go (her and him) as he’s always saying they should do more together etc. he then started back at her saying he would’ve taken her out today if she hadn’t decided on the other plans… I can’t remember his exact words but he was sounding so angry and The tension was rising.. I tried to step in and say to leave as it wasn’t fair on mum (I felt like he was attacking her) He shouted me down in from of the kids, he just kept going and honestly it wasn’t nice. I tried to say that it just wasn’t nice to mum, I could see mum was being verbally bartered down by him.. at least that’s how it felt, but maybe I was totally misreading the situation. He then pulled over on the middle of the motor way and got out, the kids were screaming and crying, I called my brother as I had no idea what to do. I was shaking and my mum went into her usual ‘shut down emotions and be practical. She shouldn’t have to do that. He eventually got back in and my mum told him to drive to The nearest village and he could get the bus home because we’d continue with our day. Then all day he’s told my mum he’s leaving her, selling their house, that I gas light him, he’s had enough of me and I’m abusive.
he’s called me a misogynist (I know that means woman hater but he means it in the sense that he thinks I hate men) in the past and thinks I’m a sexist man hater.. I’m not but I am wary of men because my ex both physically and mentally abused me, though I’m never fully sure if he really was abusive because i was in similar situation and arguments with him that I’m in with my dad and maybe I really am the common denominator?! And theirs something fundamentally wrong with me after all. I’ve just finished the freedom program and whilst it was really good, my ex didn’t really fit the bill. My ex only behaved that way to me, the same as my dad only behaves this way towards me.

Arguments seem to always blow up out of all proportion and I lose all grasp on things. this sort of stuff makes me question everything.
In the morning i was short with the kids and snappy too. Then had a moment cuz we were supposed to be leaving at a certain time but My eldest slipped down the stairs spilling milk and cereal everywhere, I called my mum all stressed saying we wouldn’t be ready on time, then by the time they got to me, My eldest had fully stretched my patience crying over the fall for too long (I’d given her a hug and told her it was all fine and that it was an accident- I’m never cross at them for dropping or spilling stuff), then 3 or 4 times I asked Her to wait so that My youngest could give their nan her card with her, but she didn’t wait, she just gave it to her, I know it wasn’t deliberate, I just felt exasperated..And then finally a badge on her new coat had ripped off leaving a hole.. it’s not her fault and again I didn’t have ago at her, I just said to my mum and dad who were there at the time that it wasn’t good enough since the coats are expensive.. obviously my mum brushed it off in her usually style, being determined not to let anything get to her. I could see my dad was infuriated by the way I was acting, I can just tell… I was being anxious and snappy but once I’d sat in the car and was on the way, I felt more relaxed. I asked to go via the shop and decided to buy everyone their favourite chocolate as a way to try and say sorry for being a little short tempered. I hadn’t directly had a go at anyone, I was just flustered by the events of the morning. The kids were happy and I was happy chatting to them about where we were going etc, then he started on my mum… at one point whilst sticking up for her, I definitely said it wasn’t a joke and then said he always does this at birthdays and tries to spoil things (something does always seem to happen but I’m always left wondering if I caused it or her did) I suppose that was me attacking his character and I can see why he was bothered by that 😟

[Iwantmeback]

Hi no you’re not an abuser but your father most certainly is.😡 Sounds like king of the castle with a bit of the bully thrown in for good measure. The abusive relationship by pat craven goes on to explain different types of abusers and that these men can be made up of a bit of each character or only a few traits. It’s a really good insightful book and not to hard to read, as in concentrate on. By trying to intervene you were listening to your gut instinct. Abusive men don’t like sharing their partner, not even with their own children, so you were probably right to pick up on his anger. He’s not really well educated, sounds like my oh, uses words but in the wrong context. Mine will use ultimatum instead of alternative. He’s definately abusive, why would a non abusive man be using words like gaslighting mysoginist and abusive. There’s another good book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it’s available as a free pdf.
Welcome to the forum, keep posting keep reading others posts. You are not the common denominator, you sound like a lovely considerate caring mum and daughter, and that’s what abusive men latch on to. They’re like vampires, draining your zest for life from you.
Take care, your mum might not even realise her husband is abusive, to her generation abused wives are beaten by drunk hulkingc men. But we know being abused is not all about physical abuse, it’s about verbal, coercion, manipulation, financial, sexual too, even though violent rape is not used being made to have sex because he had needs or feeling like you have to to keep the peace are all forms of sexual abuse too.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Still-trying]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m not actually new to the forum, but haven’t posted in a long time. Most of my previous posts were about my ex. I’ve read both books and they are really good. I might actually go over the dominator again. I think he uses those terms because he’s heard them from me whilst I’ve been on the journey to figure out if my ex was abusive. I know that I’m not perfect and can often see traits of my dad in myself which has always worried me. I think I’ve always held on to the fact even if I do make mistakes, I always try to think over them afterwards and say sorry and change etc. I’d never considered my dad to be abusive until I started reading about stuff with my ex. I guess that it’s posible that I’m just labelling him when he’s really not one.. and then Of course he’s bound to be at the end of his rope. Saying that, there’s lots of times in my adult life that I’ve ended up in blazing rows with him because I’ve either stood up for myself or my mum.. and that was long before I knew anything about abuse. Much like my ex, he’d never say anyone was ugly or fat, my mums a strong minded woman who’s always earned more than him, she always had the say whilst bringing us up as kids, he never dared stop her going out or living her life or expected his tea on the table.. in most respects he was a modern man whilst I was a kid so I would never ever have pinned him as abusive. It’s truly only me that he behaves this way with. In fact my mum will obviously stand her ground with him and he will just walk away and sulk… but with me, he’s called me a vile b***h, all sorts. I’ve ended up calling him some not so nice things over the years too. Much like with my ex.. perhaps we are just as bad as each other. He’s saying he is leaving my mum now! They aren’t young, neither am I! But honestly if I was out of the equation there wouldn’t be a problem

[diymum@1]

i dont think your the problem here for the record – your recognising his abusive antics and confronting them. he wont like that you have all of the knowledge you have because that gives you power. he cant let you get the upper hand thats not in a covert abusers nature. you being able to see through him will drive him crazy and hes going to go on the defensive – he also wont like that your sticking up for your mum – you sound like a great daughter btw i just wanted to say that to you dont take his blame on your shoulders xx much love diymum xx

[Still-trying]

I think I’ve been encouraged to never say anything because he always does a lot of practical stuff, sitting the car mots and stuff, helping arrange practical stuff like any home repairs I’d need.
I mean my ex used to say I was ungrateful when I stood up to him… because of all the stuff he did for me. I wonder if my dad has the same view

[Iwantmeback]

All females are encouraged from childhood to be good little girls, don’t hurt anyone’s feelings, put yourself out to cater for others needs. Once we get a mind of our own, we’re seen as difficult or the best one is hormonal or menopausal.
To me abuse is any umbrella term for all different types of minor bad behaviour to way over the top physical abuse,, fir no other reason than you dared to have an opinion,stand up for yourself(this is where you’re usually told you’re disrespectful, talking back, selfish, whatever word they want to use)
Just because someone does something for you it does not give them the right to hurt you verbally, emotionally or physically. It’s ingrained into society, it’s always been this way and for things to change people have to let go their beliefs and what they’ve seen as the right way. It’s not about being PC either, it’s about treating others as you would like to be treated, about being mindful of others but also of yourself. It’s not selfish or thinking of ones self if you decide to put your needs first. It sounds as if your dad is passive/ aggressive too. May have felt emasculated because your mum is a strong moral person and as you said earned more than him. Many men take that personally as they’re a failure. He’s used you to take out his frustration and feelings of inadequacy out on. (Just my opinion)
If it’s any consolation my oh tells me I’m ungrateful, only happy when he’s buying me stuff, when he starts acting abusively. Yet what I’ve come to realise is he only buys(bought,I no longer take anything from him) things for me after he’s behaved abhorrently.
This forum is very eye opening, makes you do a lot of soul searching too.
Fir the record is he threatening to leave your mum to her face or just saying it to you.
As children we never really know what goes on with our parents marriage, we see what they want us to see, just the same as we show people what we want them to see with our own relationships.
None of how he treats you or your ex did, has anything to do with you, these men choose to pick on us(for want of a better word) simply because of power and control. We aren’t aware of it happening, it becomes normal to us, but once our eyes get opened, you can’t unsee what you know. Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
IWMB 💕💕
.

[Still-trying]

Thank you for your reply again, he hasn’t spoken to me at all. He was texting my mum all day (detail removed by moderator) telling her he was leaving her because he was sick of everything. He’s stayed away from their home and has told her he’s made an appointment to see a solicitor to go over financial things. I know this is solidly down to me. My dad and I have argued horribly for years and years (my whole adult life). I know I am hard work, that I have anxiety, he doesn’t like the way I behave and I don’t like the way he does but if I’d thought for one second that I made him so unhappy that he’d leave my mum, I’d have tried harder to keep my mouth shut

[KIP.]

You did not do this. He is the one choosing to act so disgracefully. It sounds like he is doing your mum a favour. My ex threatened this, going so far as rubbing my nose in a woman he was seeing. I went straight to a solicitor. That’s the advice I would give your mum. Get to a solicitor before he does. That will shock him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was lying. Punishing her and you for his short comings. He chooses to behave this way. His behaviour is not your responsibility. Distance yourself and don’t be dragged into his dysfunctional behaviour.

[diymum@1]

he is making you and your mum (but especially you) endebted to him. its a form of manipulation where by the person makes you feel like your owe them its actually coersion. if he uses these tactics he will probably have double standards too and mayne a sense of entitlement. its true you guys would have a happier life with someone this manipulative in it xx this is in no way your fault or responsibility – certainly not to bow down to please him xx love diymum

[Still-trying]

Thank you again for all your replies. Is it possible that I have made his life so miserable that he feels he has no choice but to leave my mum.
I’m not with them all the time, we don’t live in the same house but I do see them daily as we live close and they look after my children whilst I’m at work. We’ve all been on holidays together and they’ve (mostly my mum) been my only support whilst I was going through the many brake ups with my ex. My ex left me more times than I can remember. In the end it felt like i was always begging him not to leave. I don’t like myself a whole lot because of my own anxiety and my own down falls. I can be really hard work too!so even after counselling and the freedom program.. I guess it is possible that I’ve deluded myself into thinking that both these men are abusive.. I mean it it is hughtly likely that I am the problem. I don’t like myself anyway so it’s no wonder they don’t. If I’d kept my mouth shut in the car yesterday non of this would’ve happened. We all have arguments, he was obviously feeling anxious and stressed too.

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