Is my dad emotionally abusive?

[Still-trying]

I feel so guilty even titling this and before I put it all down I’ve almost convinced myself that it’s simply two people who don’t get on… perhaps even I am abusive? If I didn’t get so worked up and take things so personally- we wouldn’t ever fall out.

I’m not really sure how to start this post.. today my mum sent me a text saying she’d realised a lot about my dad, that he’d always been the same angry antisocial man, and that she wasn’t going to include him in our family (meaning me and my children and her), that she was happy in her decision and hoped I would be too. I think a lot must’ve lead her to say it but I’m not fully sure what it means. I love my dad but we don’t get along, we argue about everything, he doesn’t understand me or have any empathy for me. It’s been the same my whole adult life, but I’ve always- always believed I’m the one at fault deep down. But then in all of my research over abuse (which started because of my ex), I’ve often found myself thinking that my dad and my ex are similar.

My parents are all I have as a support network, so I’ve relied on them a lot, but Ive found myself in such battles both internally and outwardly where my ‘family’ is concerned.. and mostly with my dad. Conversations would escalate into horrible arguments- especially if I was asking for any sort of emotional support. But also the most stupid things would become huge. For example- we were eating a meal together (detail removed by moderator), my youngest had been whinging all day and my mum snapped at her. I told my mum it was an over reaction and she said she was sorry.. but my dad carried it on and on… (detail removed by moderator). He literally wouldn’t shut up, but he was making it all about him. He was making my mum feel terrible. In the end I told him to leave it, that it didn’t matter. (Detail removed by moderator), scared the children and stormed out… we were all left in tears. When I later tried to reason with him- he called me sexist… he often calls me a misogynist and a man hater when ever I stand up to him. I’m so confused about what healthy relationships are. I don’t know if my dad and I just don’t get along, or if he is actually abusive. His anger has always been directed at me in the past (never physical) and I’ve always believed I must do something to make him hate me so much… but then my logical brain now tells me that all I do is to disagree with him and challenge his behaviour. I’m not sure that’s necessarily the right thing to do either?! I feel sad that my mum sent me that text. I know that he’s not so horrible to her… but they never come up against such differences.. it’s so hard to explain. All I know is that my dad reacts so similarly to the way my ex reacted… another big thing is that arguments seem to erupt when it’s birthdays or Christmas’s or other occasions, after the argument, my dad will almost always not come or not joint in. Both myself and my mum have begged and pleaded with him to not miss out, but almost always end up going without him.. and on the few occasions he does go, there’s such an atmosphere, it often ends up sparking more arguments and he leaves anyway. I’m usually the one to argue, because I can’t stand him sitting there miserably when it’s supposed to be a happy occasion, but then because I’ve challenged it- I’m the one to blame. I know I’m the past he’s simply had no patience for me. On my own birthday a few years ago, my ex dumped me a few days before, I was upset because of that, and (detail removed by moderator) had been the birthday my ex assaulted me and then I was upset because neither of my parents seem to want to spend the day with me either. I wasn’t expecting anything flash at all… I just wanted to feel wanted. I suppose I didn’t articulate that very well and when I did get upset and start to try to explain why, he just laid into me, called me selfish and ungrateful (something my ex always called me) – yet so many people told me my ex was abusive. Could it really be that I just bring out those negative traits in people? I really do think that is very possible! I’m not an easy person to be around either

[Still-trying]

Also, It’s the chicken and the egg.. I have no patience for my dad anymore either. Perhaps i damaged our relationship so much somewhere, that he lost patience for me.. maybe if i had more empathy for him and understood that he needs more then we wouldn’t fall out so much

[Tiffany]

I would call your Mum and talk to her. It sounds like your Dad could be abusive. Perhaps your Mum has finally had enough and is leaving him. Perhaps she is just trying to protect you by only seeing you whence isn’t around so he can’t hurt you and your family. Hard to tell from a text. Try and support her. You’ve been through an abusive relationship yourself and know how tough it is.

I also wouldn’t assume that he isn’t as bad or worse towards her when you don’t witness it. She may well also be practised in doing everything right so he had minimal opportunities for outbursts, rather than genuinely not being in conflict with him. Ultimately no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I had housemates who had no idea that any abuse was going on. I suspect your Mum could hide the worst from you, even if you are her kid.

It sounds like a difficult situation. Get the support you need to deal with it and be there for your Mum.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi still-trying, you are in no way to blame for this. It was your dad’s job to teach you about relationships, good loving ones not the one that a man says jump and we go how high. I agree with @Tiffany, I believe your mum has probably been hiding your dad’s behaviour to her for years, and now she’s just had enough and wants to protect you and your children from him and his outbursts. Your dad and ex are just bullies, the same as my husband. My dad and ex were the total opposite, so unconfrontational it was embarrassing. But extremely passive aggressive because of it, so sarcastic and spiteful at times.a Mysoginist doesn’t hate men, they hate women.
Your dad doesn’t like being challenged or disagreed with, neither does my husband. I’m disrespectful, or he’ll threaten to hit me, doesn’t need to actually do it anymore, the threats enough to shut me up.
It is a very difficult situation to be in, you c been through an abusive relationship before, you know the signs, your mum is still living with her abuser. Talk to each other, get strength from each other. The more you post on here and learn from others posts you’ll learn so much, knowledge is power. You have a secret weapon my love..US.
Take care.

IWMB 💕💕

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