Is my default opinion of men that they are abusive and are to be avoided?

[Eve1]

I’m hiding in a cafe this morningas the landlord is at my house with his repair man. I went back after dropping daughter at school and he was fixing something I hadn’t told him about. His tone was slightly off with me and his handy man walked straight past me, ignoring me, When earlier he’d been Mr chatty. Hrs told me off before about not telling him things. I do avoid it sometimes because I have to have the house presentable before I ring himand it’s just more stress. I’ve got to go to the job centre for something this afternoon and I’m not going back home until it’s finished! I think the ll is probably abusive but I can normally handle him. If he’s got something to say to me I want to have a better hold of myself. I’m so tired today.

It’s 2 days in a row for my daughter going in to school, which is good.

I’m working up the courage to ring a nearby branch of WA one day this week who look as though they’ve got things going on.

Re.my title and abusive men, if this is true , how do I live in the world? I know I can’t survive in this’avoiding’ way forever. It feels like going backwards. Maybe having contact with a WA can help me with this.

xx

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

A number of men are bolshy and disrespectful like you describe.

I do agree that there prevails amongst some men the view of women as being lesser than men, weaker and there to be subjugated, but I believe there are some men who don’t think that way and want an equal relationship. But these men are harder to find.

I would say focus on strengthening yourself and so that when you meet people, including males, you’re able to assert yourself and also, in terms of dating, you’ll attract the right man- a man who is interested in you, not just the fact he thinks you’re soft enough to subjugate. I’m not talking about becoming a hard person: I don’t think any of us ladies will ever become that- but we can learn assertiveness skills and practice healthy boundaries.

It’s great that you are thinking of doing local things to help yourself. A support group or Freedom course would be great.I think it will help you feel with it, because it will increase your understanding and galvanise you x

[danicali]

no matter where you go in life, you are always going to encounter men who bully, even if it’s a bit subtle like you described and yes work men can talk to women differently than they do another bloke, less respectfully sometimes. i once had a work man who left one of his tools at mine and i hadnt noticed, and he came back weeks later giving me a dirty look as if I had purposely kept his stupid tool, which was left in the corner of the kitchen on the floor which is why I never noticed.

in my opinion, a lot of men can become abusive and i also believe that men are more likely to become abusive if we come from an abusive past. sad, but true. not making this our faults, but men pick up on signals. i do believe that if you have been abused before you are more vulnerable to being abused again (detail removed by moderator)

i would say avoid men at times, but if you want love in your life, from a man, then you have to learn to trust as not all men are abusive. there’s power struggles in every relationship but that doesnt have to mean abuse. (detail removed by moderator)

we are more sensitive to how men speak to us when we’ve dealt with an abuser (if a man speaks to me in a bad way, well, it’s one of my biggest pet peeves now). we are on guard, we are alert, even hyperviglant. it’s called self protection but sometimes it can go into overdrive. x

[Eve1]

Thank you both.

I think having the blinkers off and seeing how badly my dad treated my mum for all those and after all the abuse from my ex husband I feel the need to keep away from men at the moment, which is hard. I think in the relationship I had last, which was definitely wrong, I had always internally idealised this man and I saw him as fundamentally different from my dad and ex husband. He wasn’t.

I think I’m finding it hard to assert myself generally at the moment which probably doesn’t help. I will work on it though and I’ll contact this WA and see what comes.

xx

[Jupiter]

Hi Eve
I understand your issues with trust etc and sometimes it is finding a balance between hiding away and being in the world a bit more.What Serenity has said makes sense-some men with respect are out there but thin on the ground.
Re your landlord: can relate to as well.it is only recently that I have more peace from mine because in the end I reported him and local council forced him to do repairs.Also, he stays away from my door and has stopped filling my bin with his own rubbish-all because I am a lone female.At first, I was scared to report him in case he got nasty or threw me out of my home, but being proactive has given me some freedom-maybe respect too.
It helps to stay out of the landlord’s way but you have the option of involving a charity like Shelter to help you with your landlord.They are excellent and can advocate on your behalf.
Good luck with WA.
Jupiter

[Eve1]

Thank you Jupiter. Well done for dealing with your landlord. That’s so positive. Thank you for your helpful ideas and support.
xx

[Author]

Posts