Is there any such thing as a good solicitor?

[maddog]

My current solicitor was recommended by my IDVA and used by WA and loads of other people. I spoke to her yesterday, and frankly what she told me shocked me. Basically I have no rights, my ex has all the balls in his court, his behaviour means nothing. The fact that he is not interested in the children means nothing. That the police have investigated him more than once and he’s been reported by other people means nothing. That he has raped me throughout our relationship doesn’t count. That I have had no time to think of my mother, who has not yet been buried is irrelevant. That he is a liar is of no legal matter.

I have written her rather a sharp email telling her to confirm that in the eyes of English law I am no more than a c*nt and cash cow.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh thats frickin awful maddog.
I am so sorry you had to listen to hat c**p.

Please call rights of women and then post what they recommend, I bet it’s not sweet fa?!

The police must prosecute for violati ng you. It IS the law.

Please feed back to your IDVA and support what she has said. Down you gobdown with that ship, its a crock of s***e, and glad you know it.

It’s good to hear you say that loud and clear here.

Try them tomorrow, unless you’re in London they’re answering phones 7-9 each eve I think, keep trying they are the specialists in this.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

* Down you gobdown ¿??- WTH is up with my fone?!?! Androids, grrrr.

Don’t go down [with that ship]

[maddog]

I have a meeting with police next week about their investigation. They do not have enough evidence to prosecute. Rape within marriage.. He said, she said…

Forever ago, I tried and failed to bring it up with a very old friend. Nothing more was said and I shoved it under the carpet, didn’t have the words, didn’t want to frighten my friend, was afraid of being disbelieved… and I normalised it.

I have spoken to my WA outreach worker about the solicitor and she is able to suggest another person. I will also mention it to the police when I see them. I have just spent 2 days bawling my eyes out and not quite cracking my head against the wall.

[KIP.]

I can only tell you what I was told and that My understanding is that divorce settlement is a ‘no blame’ settlement. All the court is interested in is the financial matters. It doesn’t matter if he locked you in a cage for twenty years. If you have suffered a financial loss because of his behaviour you may be able to sue him under personal injury law. I’m not an expert and this is just my understanding so maybe run it past your solicitor. It took me a very long time to be told this (after they had bled me dry). Get a second opinion from another solicitor with a free consultation x

[maddog]

Thank you KIP. I think this is what my solicitor has been trying to tell me and failing in her communication. My ex comes into the house like the cat with the cream. The Perfect Father. I have an upcoming meeting about child maintenance. I know he hasn’t been honest. I also know he will fail to pay towards the upkeep of our children.

[KIP.]

He’s absolutely going to lie and hide money and delay and your solicitor will say it’s too costly to take him to court and prove that he is lying so she will persuade you to try to settle out of court. I wish I had been told how one sided it was and I would never have disclosed the money I had. I was one hundred percent honest and he lied through his teeth. Stole tens of thousands and just said he game me half in cash. Total bull.(Detail removed by Moderator). Don’t let the system rip you off like it did me.

[maddog]

I have been wondering about this and I will action it in the morning. (Detail removed by Moderator) Thank you so much. I will update and let you know how I get on. I really hope that you have saved someone from the hell you went through. My last instructions to my solicitor was to do nothing. I said my financial position was much the same as it had been. (Detail removed by Moderator)

[KIP.]

Please be very careful. I wouldn’t want you to fall foul as he can ask for financial disclosure and please don’t think I’m giving you legal or financial advice. I’m just telling you about my nightmare. And if I had to go through it again I would do it totally differently. (Detail removed by Moderator)

[KIP.]

I can tell you my ex removed many many thousands of pounds cash and told his solicitor he gave me half in cash. Just another trick he used. How do I prove to the Court he didn’t give it to me. Even though we both had bank accounts and nothing showed up in mine. As if I would have tens of thousands of cash lying around. Trouble is it’s too expensive to fight over in court.

[freedomtochoose]

Listen to KIP hon.
I think your solicitor was painting the worst case scenario.
If it is better, good.
But kind of helpful, believe me to know the worst
all best
ftc
x

[maddog]

I have spoken to lots of people today about what I can and can’t do. My outreach worker has spoken to my solicitor and my solicitor was very apologetic. My ex needless to say thinks he is above the law.

Yes, it is good to know the worst. It’s better to understand though! I didn’t understand. Thank you so much KIP for putting it in plain english. I also understand that I am not allowed to put my ex on the market as drain cleaner. I think he would be far too dangerous for domestic use though.

[Twisted Sister]

I came away with the impression that the whole thing is about cutting deals!

He tried to threaten me that he was going to do a full disclosure, I’m not sure what tha that meant, or what of exactly, I think it’s because he knew how terrified I was and that I wouldn’t be able to speak at all, but a friend was with me and just said threaten him with the same, and I was terrified but it made him back down, and the the barrister was horrified that I would threaten him!!! Like who are you supposed to be working for?! It was purely turning the tables on him, but he didn’t want that.

Can you just not refuse to budge from your position, and not agre to any deals?

Sorry hope I haven’t got your position wrong? And I wish you so much strent fo this, t he y are such slippery eels.

Hiding money is so classic, I know for fact even my brother did it in advance of launching divoce ice proceedings. Myex paid massive extra sums to his pension, I’m guessing prob the max he could to avoid paying child maintenance that hd b3n assessed as due. It worked and they revised it. He can take this money out of his pension as you can do that now under the new rules.

He is being the same as them all and I’m sorry for that, its always horrible to hear someone else going through it.

Strength, hugs and warmest wishes ts

[Shipoffools]

Hi Maddog,

Same as KIP my divorce solicitor said to me it doesn’t matter whose done what in the marriage to bring it the end, the solicitors just sort out the joint assets….house, money, pension etc….

Think they all lie and hid money divorcing….my ex then gave up work and started signing on to pay  child maintenance money….when he started working again (job removed by moderator) he worked for himself and his accountant put through minimum earnings so we got a next to nothing!

It’s one b****y hurdle after another, they are the pits!! Xx

[Twisted Sister]

Also had meant to say about prosecution for being violated within a marriage… I know comparatively speaking its not been illegal for all that long, BUT IT ISA CRIME and he can get swntence for it. Not many that I’ve heard of had witnesses to their bedroom activities, so its nearly always ‘he said/she said’…what an ab absolute pile of c**p from the police or legal representation!!

It’s so disheartening to hear this is still rife 🙁 and so sorry for your struggles but clearly we have to rely on our selves and not legal counsel to represent us properly, shook.

We’re all here for you, I hope you can keep fighting it and glad that IDVA got involved to extract a recognition of wrong-doing an apology.

Warmest wishes ts

[maddog]

My decree absolute arrived (detail removed by moderator)!!!! My solicitor said we would wait for the financial settlement first, so I’m not sure what she’s done. Hooray hooray hooray!!! I am actually formally free to move on now. Yip yip!! Still mountains to climb and views to look out on.

My mood over the past few days has sunk to a low I haven’t felt for well over a decade and it’s frightening when I’m already on a high dose of anti-gloom pills. There have been so many horrible and difficult things happening and it is like forever climbing out of piles of rubble to find the sun shining. The bricks just keep falling.

[KIP.]

As far as I know after the absolute is issued there begins a time limit to claim against each other for finances. Speak to your solicitor about this. It might work in your favour. To my knowledge the nisi is first until a financial settlement then the absolute follows?

[maddog]

I think you are right KIP. I know that there are risks involved and that I will have to ride the consequences. My outreach worker spoke to her and this is what has happened.

[dustypink]

maddog
I was also absolutely broken when I realised that the Law is completely separate substance than reality )
That so much help is provided by support groups and charities, so much information about the abuse, it is written everywhere that emotional & financial abuse is the abuse as well. But the LAW needs you to be badly hurt or killed to prosecute your abuser. And even just to protect you from him.
There is a big, huge gap.
I also think that there are no good precedents yet for non-physical abusers to be sentenced, that victims are too scared and told by solicitors that there is no chance, and they just don’t try and leave it how it is.
I really hope that there will be one day, when well-informed judge will make right verdict, and non-physical abuser will be sentenced, and victims and solicitors will believe – there is always a chance!
A bit naively, but I really hope for this.

[Author]

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