Is there really?

[calendula]

Is there really ‘life after an abusive relationship’?

I’m fed up with hearing it will get better because it never seems to….all this does is make me feel it’s my fault again for not ‘getting over it’..it’s been years….how can things possibly get better when i’m just getting older and uglier and iller each day? Every morning i wake up stupidly early in tears or anger usually both and phsysical pain which i’m sure is from sexual abuse damaged my insides. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be positive, working on myself and trying to get over it but actually depression just get worse. I was born into an abusive family…my parents had affairs and non stop drama fights and we often got hit as kids..my mum always hated me and i would come home to verbal attacks and 50 questions every single day…i (detail removed by moderator) and went to school she was a housewife and constantly telling me (detail removed by moderator)…i was always selfish just like my father who often hit me in rages (not beat up hit in face more thrown around/(detail removed by moderator) etc i was terrified of him even tho he was way nicer to me than my mother) partly my fault i was difficult but thinking about i dont think i was really that bad..i didnt get up to alot of the things my friends did…i was easily groomed at school and underage when a young adult got me pregnant and (detail removed by moderator)…he made me feel protected from my father as he once jumped in when he went for me and he was the only person i felt was ever really kind to me and i loved it when i was allowed to (detail removed by moderator) instead of the abuse i’d get from my mother and told she has them too (i’ve had non stop (detail removed by moderator) all my life)…..i loved cuddling him but never wanted the sex i used to push him off but he’d (detail removed by moderator)..he made me believe there was something wrong with me for not liking it more and was always guilt triping me telling me he had needs that i had to meet…i felt guilty at (detail removed by moderator) for not being sexual enough i avoided sex at school even tho every one else was doing it on the (detail removed by moderator)..i was terrified of it..the shame i felt around parents and adults was unbearable and the verbal abuse constant….my mother was so cruel i believed i had no choice but to have an abortion and was told repeatedly anything else would be extremely selfish as usual everything about me is selfish…parents took me and mum insisted on (detail removed by moderator)….i didnt even want to see it i said whats the point looking at her hoping she would say i didnt have to but that never happened..i was expected to not make a fuss told (detail removed by moderator). Later on in life she had an affar with (detail removed by moderator) so we were all homeless except her… then my family persuaded me into a (detail removed by moderator)….then hit me told me to kill myself tricked me (detail removed by moderator) and a (detail removed by moderator) who made us both victims of domestic abuse and damaged our property told me to leave as it was his house now….he is now promoted to (detail removed by moderator)…my family have said i am lying about this even tho he hit another family member in front of them all..and am mental and the police said no evidence but didnt even interview my witnesses…there is evidence they are just refusing to find it but i never wanted to go to police in first place so maybe they are just picking up on that…its against my religion to take people to court….Jesus says we have to forgive if we want to be forgiven. I tried to kill myself unsuccessfully just ended up on a drip in a hospital bed and my life got even worse i went home only for my mum to come up to me in bed i was too weak to get up much still and was in bed at home when she laid into me verbally so hard i was so distraught i wanted to die so much….the day i come out of hospital for attempted suicide thats what she did! I fleed my home to get away only for the (detail removed by moderator)….whilst living in my home i ran from after being hit n told kill ureself!!! then i got put in supported accommodation and he turned up there too…called out (detail removed by moderator)!! I had to pretend for weddings/family events etc there was nothing wrong….i had two very abusivive relationships which absolutley destroyed me, hit/raped/conned and literally made me infertile thro std as he was cheating … and now am just alone and not even ever wanting a man that way again as i can not imagine now being with anyone sexually or living with someone ever again tho i always dreamt of marriage and children…even my friendships have been abusive and ended up with people trying to rape me if men (literally (detail removed by moderator)???) or hitting me/taking advantage asking me for money/lifts/things in my house if women….now i have two friends who have both been through extreme abuse themselves…one is the best person i ever met in my life and the only person ever who has not ever once made me feel like a piece of **** and the other is i feel controlling and jealous but the good is far greater than the negative overall…but both these people have their own lives/families unlike me so i still feel alone and in despair at my life past now and what i imagine the future to be it gets worse and worse not better…ok now i am free from all this abuse but the memories…dreams….whys? regrets…most of my family are still alive but i have no family…they have literally taken every single thing i ever had from me including my unborn children…is that unfair to blame them for my choice? no i dont think it is because they basically made me do it and drummed it into my head that was the right thing to do but now i’ve (detail removed by moderator).

[Lisa]

Hello Calendula,

Thank you for your post and for sharing your situation with us. It sounds like you have been through so much.

From what you’ve described in your post, your ex partners and parents sound incredibly abusive, I imagine these experiences were very traumatic and have understandably left a lasting impact.

It could be really helpful to access some counselling to begin to come to terms with some of what you’ve been through. Specialist domestic abuse services offer counselling and emotional support – you can find your nearest service here.

The Counselling Directory may also be a useful resource, you can search for therapists in your area and you can filter by subject matter, to ensure you can see a counsellor with experience in the subjects you wish to discuss. https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

In the meantime, I hope the forum can be a useful form of support for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[calendula]

Hi Lisa,

Thankyou for the information….a cousellor with experience in this type of stuff might be good for me so i will give it a try…in the past i dont think i was believed as i was diagnosed (detail removed by moderator) which means you don’t know what reality is. Now i’m seeing a new person who doesn’t think i’ve ever come across as (detail removed by moderator) and i think believes me..not a counsellor tho or experienced in this stuff but a mental health professional the only one who has accepted that i do not want (detail removed by moderator)…i’ve tried their different medications and it all made me worse and had side effects..also i see the effect it has on others and i dont want to be drugged!. There’s alot more horrible little details that even i find hard to believe myself all this could happen..it’s taken me years to even admit this to myself how bad it’s all been as i couldn’t see it as abuse it was normal behaviour to me and i hated myself for thinking horribly about my own family felt guilty for my feeling how i feel around them which sometimes is just i cannot stop crying…i think there is a (detail removed by moderator) element to it…a (detail removed by moderator)…it’s talking about this that has got me labelled mental i believe

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