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    • #16866
      Moniker
      Participant

      Good morning everyone!
      I’m out of my relationship a while but still feeling the after effects and the legacy of the emotional turmoil.
      It has recently come to light that my ex husband has been very aggressive towards others in the area he lives in and he has been heard shouting and expressing extreme anger at his elderly father by the neighbours.
      I used to think he was abusive and aggressive only to me but it appears he is abusive to others also. I am learning that all his relationships break down because of his irrational thinking and behaviour towards others.
      I have absolutely no contact with my ex and I hold this boundary very closely, if I see him or hear him it brings me back to the terror and hurt I experienced and I can be emotionally wobbly for a few days afterwards –
      Is it possible there is such a thing as an abusive personality?
      cheers for your thoughts and opinions
      xx
      Moniker

    • #16911
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI hun

      Yes i think some people just cant help themselves, not that is an excuse to abuse othrs, they make there own rules to suit them, they need help but will never admit it

    • #16923
      tobehappy
      Participant

      Absolutely. An abuser does so because he has learned that is the way to get what he wants. He believes that is the right way. He believes that is how a man should behave. He won’t see he has done wrong he will just blame other for what they made him do.

      An abuser is an abuser through to the core. Their whole belief system is set up differently to a “normal” person. This is why you can never win an argument with them, it’s why you are always to blame (so they say). They actually believe they are right and they are doing this to help you, because they are a true man, because they are above you and they are entitled to.

      Because if their strong beliefs that is why most will never change. After all why would you when you can just get what you want! They feel no sense of shame or remorse and they don’t know that they are not experiencing the true felling of love. They are wired differently. They have to win at all costs and without shame or remorse there is nothing to stop them doing whatever it takes. The only way to deal with them is to cut them out of your life completely. Don’t waste time and energy trying to help them or explain to them. They will never get it. You will never get closure. Just get as far away as possible.

      There are many good books that explains their behaviour. I am sure many of the ladies on here would have recommendation. The Freedom Programme also picks apart their personality traits. Things seem a whole lot clearer when you have done that.

    • #16932
      Lilycat
      Participant

      Hi Moniker,

      I think there is such a thing and sometimes it is a result of both nature and nurture.

      I had to leave an abusive home life where my (soon-to-be ex) husband and step-child were extremely duplicitous. They both had one face in public and another in private. The child learned from the father and mother, and had low impulse control and aggression which seemed to run in at least one if not both sides of the family. The overall dynamic was very unhealthy and my (then) husband, his ex-wife and their child seemed to have a very strange co-dependent relationship going on, even when I was married to my husband. I couldn’t reason with my husband and step-child because they had a logic that I had never encountered before. The young adult child basically controlled my husband’s life and movements and threatened suicide and self-harm and threw temper tantrums every time he (my husband)stepped out of line (e.g. coming back from work an hour late, or running our of chocolate bars and forgetting to buy more). When I did anything beyond routine or objected to being psychologically abused and insulted, both the husband and the child would club together and try to control me.

      So strange and so best left alone.

      Kindest wishes

      Lilycat x

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