Is this a bad plan?

[Anonymous]

So as a few may know I’ve been back and forth and constantly doubting if it’s really that bad enough to go but after another episode the other morning where no alcohol on his part was to blame or nothing that could have “ excused” I spent the day just numb and resigned. I started to enquire about (detail removed by moderator) nearby because I think that I can’t just leave without knowing in my head I’ve given him the reasons or given him chance to change cus I’ve tried verbally to tell him but he won’t listen cus he thinks I’m having a go so I’m
Scared of his reaction so my plan is to go away as planned to my friends in another county then not return home but I need to be in the area due to child’s hospital apps … I figure if I leave letter saying all and leave and he doesn’t see us and has time to cool off and not hurt me then maybe he can have chance to change? Since I’ve been just tearful all day he’s been so weirdly nice he’s gone out and got flowers got kids teddies and cooked tea … ??? It makes it hard to ..

[maddog]

It sounds as though he’s playing you Anonagain. You are not going to get any real sense out of him Full Stop. He isn’t going to change. He really isn’t. It is who and what he is. Please don’t let him know your plans. It is an extremely dangerous time for you and the children. Please make a safety plan for leaving through Women’s Aid and the police. We underestimate just how bad it is in order to survive. We duck and we dive to avoid being hurt. What will you do with the children if you leave the country?

It’s a terrible realisation to understand just how unpredictable and dangerous these abusers can be. Please seek as much external real life support as you can.

[Anonymous]

Ahh I understand to some extent but I wish I could truly feel and know that he won’t change . I just feel I need to give him the benefit of telling him to change at least so in my mind I’ve done all. I wouldn’t leave the country just going away to friends out the county sorry so still in same country but then I thought if I leave a letter and then when I would have been due to come home from freiebds and family then to go and stay locally but at (detail removed by moderator)… Thos way girls would feel it a holiday and he may realise what he’s done and he may make changes to give up drugs n drink or at least start to? I don’t know it feels better than leaving permanently I just don’t know any more I feel so done

[maddog]

Please make a safety plan. You really don’t know what he is capable of. He may want to know where you are. He may keep in touch. He may call the police and cause you problems. He isn’t going to change. Please, please make a proper safety plan and make sure you have all the documents, spare money, your own account and everything you will need.

It’s a horrible time. Please reach out in real life. Women’s Aid will not tell you what to do. Keep safe.

[Anonymous]

You were so right .. x*x

[fizzylem]

Hi Anonagain, sounds like your head is back and forth and round again. It seems to me you have already tried to tell him on numerous occassions and he has ignored you, that you cant quite bring yourself to end it.

Something I realised in the end was that he will never change, so the only person who can change what is happening is me, by dealing with him differently, by walking away and putting a stop to it all for good.

When these men feel they are losing their grip on us they only ramp it up. Lets say for arguments sake you get what you want, as I suspect you would – in the short term anyway, you go, he begs you to come back, he knows what it is you want to hear, he knows that you want him to say he has changed, he will do anything, then you all get back together, until you realise again that he has no intentions of changing; and round it goes again.

For you to feel better about things it’s about you drawing a line in the sand now, you saying I am done, gone – you blew it. Which also means letting go of the hope for a brighter day with him. You don’t owe him an explanation, trust me, he will know exactly why you’ve gone – he knows he’s done well to keep for for as long as he has.

As you’ve learnt already, this man cant have a relationship with anyone until he gives up the drink and the drugs. He sounds like a terrible person for you to be around and the children as well – dont you want better for yourself and your children? I suspect you do, only somewhere else you also believe you are not worthy of this – well you are, worthy of so much more, better, you deserve a peaceful life, you deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are, feel respected, not lied to, not manipluated or abused, not the one to pick up the pieces time and time again, you deserve to be cared for as well. Seems to me youre the one doing all the caring for everyone right now and have done for a very long time, the only adult in the family.

You’re holding on for things to change, but sadly, while you continue to love him as he is, there is no need for him to change is there. As sad as it is, he needs time alone to sort himself out, although there is also the possibilty this may never happen hey.

I think you are struggling to accept you can not fix him, this, any of it Anonagain.

Wishing you courage and self belief x

[Tiffany]

Leaving via a planned trip to see friends sounds like a good plan. Gets you out with a reasonable quantity of stuff without too much suspicion. I am not sure I would have felt safe from my abuser in (detail removed by moderator) though. Would you be sure he couldn’t track you there? There is unfortunately a risk he could turn violent when you leave, and that could be particularly dangerous (detail removed by moderator).

It also sounds like you are thinking of (detail removed by moderator) as a temporary plan until your abuser comes to his senses and stops being abusive. I did that. Moved out in the hopes he would see what he was losing and stop abusing me. He only managed to keep up the pretence that he was trying to change for a couple of weeks before the abuse restarted. Even though we were only meeting up a couple of times a week. He isn’t going to change. The only bonus that moving out temporarily gives is that it might give you enough time to clear your head and break away. That’s what it did for me. I don’t have kids, it was just me, so I rented a room -it was a two month minimum contact and then a month’s notice. I wasn’t going to make a decision in the first two months, so I knew I was committed to being out for three months. That helped me avoid caving and going back to him. It was a serious risk though. I was lucky that all he did was punch me once. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. I wouldn’t risk it knowing what I know now.

I hope you can get a safe route out. Keep notes of what he is doing somewhere safe if you can. It will help you keep your head straight. And talk to women’s aid if you can. They are brilliant. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your replies. My head is a mess but after the recent violent episodes I don’t think I could trust that he wouldn’t get angry at me and things each argument have seemed to get worse injury wise but I need to tell him what I’m unhappy about . I figure if I just tell him it’s just a holiday but tell him everything I need to then he won’t take out his initial anger by hurting me as he only hurts me when I’m in the room and saying things he doesn’t want to hear. If he cools off and then knows he could lose us he may seek some help but I’m aware of how it sounds and do know deep down that I guess I can’t chsnge him . I’ve booked somewhere and am if anything looking forward to space and maybe in that space I can call women’s aid without him around … thank you for taking time to write to me I am grateful as I know I keep contradicting myself.

[diymum@1]

hello A – i felt the same as you once – youve not given up hope and thats human nature – it does take time for the realisation to kick in – the evidence is right here all of us have experienced similar – abusers are abusers they dont change unless the go on a specialist programme – im not sure how many men will do this or admit to being abusive. apparently it takes years and perseverance, the problem these men wont admit theryre abuse and wont take reponsibility. the things is if you ask any of us did there partner change i bet 1% would say yes and thats a long shot. its getting your head round this and if your not there yet (which is totally understandable) its time to get expert help. the thing you have to put to the fore front now is safety xx it has to be paramount right now xx drugs and alcohol do exacerbate abuse but theyre not the origin of its cause – its there attitudes and beliefs. its like asking a christian to stop believing in god xx i hope your ok, trauma bonding like stolkholm syndrome can make this very difficult to break free i felt like this too and couldnt understand why xx

[Tiffany]

I know it is hard to believe now, but you don’t have to tell him what you are unhappy about. It would be much safer and wiser to leave without telling him. I never told my abuser. For a start, he is abusive. That involves a great deal of calculation. He is doing it on purpose. So he knows exactly why you are unhappy. Secondly, it isn’t safe to stand up to him. He is being increasingly violent merely because he can sense you are getting stronger. If you tell him outright then frankly it sounds like there is a risk he will kill you rather than let you go. I know you don’t want to believe this of your partner, but I promise you it is true. I didn’t believe my partner would ever hit me even after he had hit me multiple times. Abuse f***s with your head like that.

If you can call women’s aid safely before you go then do it. If you can’t then just get yourself and your kids out and take it from there. Good luck.

[Lisa]

Hi Anononagain

Getting away to a friends sounds like a great idea and if you need to leave a letter explaining how you feel that is understandable. As long as you ensure that he is not around when you and the children leave and he has no idea that you do not plan on returning after the break then that sounds like a safe exit plan. It might be worth leaving the letter somewhere hidden and texting him once you are safely at your friends directing him to the letter, just to give you a bit of breathing space to get there and get settled in before he reads it. Alternatively you could write it in an email so you have it as evidence and it will be easy to keep the replies to an email if he responds with anything abusive. You may also want to get the address you are going to be staying at flagged with the police once you get there in case he turns up and you need to call 999.

I can hear that you still have hope he might change and it is very difficult to give up on a relationship when you still hold some hope, this is why the average number of times a woman leaves before the final time is around 7 times.

I would say that you are going to be very high risk when you return to your local area and he may very well promise you that he will change and tell you all the things you want to hear, this is a common tactic of abusers to get you to move back in and then the abuse starts again but can be worse as he will want to try to ensure you don’t try and leave again.

You can always call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 and leave a voicemail with a safe time for them to call you back if you want to run through your plan with a support worker before you leave or call once you are safely away.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are

Lisa

[Anonymous]

thank you im now away , but its not exactly how i thought. I cant just take the girls away from the place as of the school long term (?) but i was hoping he may either agree and start to work on things showing how he would in the next few weeks or leave the house by time back as i had written .He has only read the letter recently as in very recently will not say when as im guessing will be removed. trying best to make this a “holiday for the girls” but i didnt think further than the end of this place of temporary “holiday stay”.

im extremely comfortable here!!

i am excited to sleep in a bed to myself and not in girls bed.

i will try now to find the time to ring womens aid whilst he isnt here.

maybe that will help me make sense of what to do longterm .

thank you for your responses. xx

[fizzylem]

So good to hear from you; so lovely to hear you have some head space in a safe place, that you can relax. Enjoy that double bed! and doing some normal things together. It really is the simple pleasures we savour isnt it, because when you’re living with abuse there is little to no joy in anything, you’re in a constant state of stress and on high alert. Down time starting! x

[Iwantmeback]

Anononagain, that is fantastic news just take baby steps the now, enjoy this time, enjoy your own bed, remember these feeling. I wish you the safest of times. love and light
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I am glad you are out and safe for now. Unfortunately I don’t think you are going to get him to leave just by asking. It’s not that easy. I absolutely don’t trust that he hadn’t read the letter until he said he had. I suspect he was playing for time.

When I broke up with my abuser I wrote a letter, because I knew if I just told him he would twist things to make me stay. I gave it to him in person (would 100% not recommend that now, but I didn’t know about abuse risks then, and figured that if I gave it to him in a public place he wouldn’t dare kick off). Turned out ok. He read it. He agreed we were over. I left and went to my new safe home and he went back to his. By the time I reached home, less than an hour later, I got a text from him saying he had lost the letter. Fortunately I had typed it up on the computer before handwriting it out, so I was able to respond with a copy of it on email. But if I hadn’t he would absolutely have pretended to have misconstrued it or that I hadn’t been clear and tried to talk me into taking him back.

Please call women’s aid. They really helped me once I got out, to understand what I needed to do and how to stay safe. It might also help to see if there is a local branch near you which does drop ins. I found that easier than talking on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I’ve failed massively I met up and had agreed to an Easter at home but I think I was wrong. Or I know I was. I have to tell everyone my injuries are due to something else and I have a dentist appointment on (detail removed by moderator) which I’m slightly relieved (?) . I’m actually praying this could be a chance? Would they refer can they spot things? Without being specific right now things are more visual than they have ever been and I know people on here have said tell gp etc but I don’t have that kind of chance .. could a dentist record help or I don’t know I think I’m dreaming of a man or woman in shining armour to just say I’m taking u out of there I’m so sorry that I’ve been so hypocritical and against what I wrote. He once said any man that bruised a face is stupid because they’re out of control and now the very fact that he’s said it has dawned on me when he doesn’t even follow his own rules?? I’m a little bit desperate tonight I really don’t know do I ?

[Anonymous]

I am back (detail removed by moderator) though and he’s not making an issue of it ,.. so he’s not harassing me at all

[Tiffany]

Definitely tell the dentist. They are a trusted medical professional and can provide evidence that you have been physically abused. Will your partner actually take you to the dentist’s appointment? Or could you go there first and then on to the doctor’s afterwards – telling your partner that there was a long wait at the dentist’s and that they were running late. Or could you tell your partner that you got a letter asking you to go in for a smear test and that is why you are going to the GP? Alternatively you can just photograph the injuries and save them somewhere secret. I would probably use an incognito tab on the phone or computer (these don’t save any info) and set up an email account that only you know about and save the photos to there then delete them from your phone/camera. I don’t think anyone will doubt the abuse with that as evidence.

I am so sorry that it has got this bad. To be honest it sounds like you have maybe reached the take the first opportunity and run with a bag of essentials and the kids stage actually. You might not get into a refuge immediately – that depends on space. But the council will find you somewhere to stay. Or maybe you could stay with friends or family until you have somewhere else to go?

It might also be possible to get the police to remove your abuser from your property and to change the locks, if the house is in your name.

Try and call women’s aid if you can safely. They can advise you on the best route. But if you can’t then just get out.

[Anonymous]

He said he will take me .. as he’s got extra time off due to Easter . If I say no then it’s odd as he knows I don’t like the parking etc. However I do have a genuine smear test due but he knows that as my reminder letter was months ago. He’s worried about how things “ look” at the moment… he doesn’t normally come in to dentists so i was guessing that free space would occur and what my husband doesn’t know is there is some damage within my mouth .. so I was scared of going but equally wondering if they would ask me .. The GP is hard because of reasons specific and people known etc I’ve written countless letters since I first posted on here a while bavk to take in with me but in the moment it all seems daft.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Anononagain, I’m sure the dentist will ask regarding the injuries. It’s a huge step letting someone in a professional capacity know anything about what happens to us, but it’s another professional who is seeing what’s been done to you. You may need an x-ray to see if there’s any underlying damage which will help in any future dealings with the police IF you decide to go down that road. As fir your doctor, it’s not daft, you’re not being daft, those are his words making you minimise his behaviour and your reactions to it. A few words on a piece of paper,e.g., my husband abuses me, he calls me vile degrading names, I feel I’m constantly walking on eggshells, I try to make him happy but he always finds something to complain and shout at me over. He’s hit me and threatens to, I feel I’m going crazy, he says I forget things but I’ve honestly got no idea what he’s talking about sometimes, as if he’s never said it, (which is probably what’s happened, gaslighting)
These are just some examples you can obviously use your own words. I burst into tears the minute my dr asked what can I do for you? You can do this my friend, it’s the not knowing what happens next that stops us so many times. Once we start talking it gets easier and easier. Please don’t feel bad at not doing it, it will happen when you’re ready to.
Much love and strength to you.
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

It’s not at all daft. It sounds like he is increasing his control (taking you to the dentist’s) and his intimidation of you. That must be terrifying. You are not overreacting to it at all. It’s not daft to want help with the situation you are in. Start by telling the dentist. As IWMB says, it will help in evidence if you end up going down the route of involving the police. They may also be able to help in other ways – I am not sure, but I hope they will be.

I would also book your smear test. You can take in your letter, and tell the nurse what is going on. Ask that they fabricate a reason for you to come back so that you can talk to the GP. Put it in your letter maybe – I can’t arrange to come in to see the GP because I am afraid of his reaction if he finds out I am going. If I get a letter calling me in for a plausible reason i.e. to discuss the results of the smear test, then I would be able to come in without suspicion. Please don’t mention this letter in any correspondence as he reads my mail.

Please try and reach out for help if you can do so safely. It sounds like you are in a really dangerous situation. If he has lost control of his own rules (Never hit a woman in the face) then it sounds like he is getting really out of control. I would also pack a bag with vital documents and maybe a change of clothes and keep it somewhere where you could grab it if you have to run without a plan.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I’ve been slow at writing . I managed to get to dentists but my dentist said “ looks like you’ve been in the wars” and because of the jovialness I simply said well that’s me all over ay . But there was a very different tone upon leaving .. and throughout the examination .. I obviously need to go back for the broken tooth asap so am meant to be back again end of next week .. and a few other fillings ( this is my fault though the fillings !!!) but I managed to go alone. So I wasted chance. It all felt a little too out of Ordinary for me to say … however I have received a second letter and have arranged online ( new to my practise) the smear .. but to be honest if I can’t even say stuff when things are very clear then I don’t know what I’ll do.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Anononagain,

Do you think maybe you can write it down on a piece of paper and hand it over to the dentist or your GP when you go for the smear? Those pesky defence mechanisms we’ve had to build can be very difficult to break. I never managed to tell my GP or other medical staff, my ex would always be there as well, but I thought about writing it on a piece of paper. So don’t be hard on yourself about not being able to say it, now you know you might get tongue-tied it’s time to find out if maybe writing a note right before going in so that your partner doesn’t see it, maybe that could work?

Thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much always sorry I have written and had plans on handing over a note but I genuinely feel so scared not of my husband in that instant but I really tremble and get nervous about it all . I can be so great at expressing things but handing it over that initial embarrassment makes my heart go.. I’m struggling tonight with my anxiety and in general . I submitted an e consult thing online with practice because of my anxiety but it really was a simple thing that they re prescribed my beta blockers. ( I was disappointed because I’d hoped for them to want to see me but I don’t want to waste their time) just want to be able to confident enough to even say I feel poorly. I can’t deal with my panic attacks and I’m back home now and I’ve failed again. I have called WA and left a known time etc but I know my head I don’t say all
Because last time I was asked about children and I’m petrified of them being taken away..

[diymum@1]

hi all the GP practices have a clinical mail box so you can email the GP and they can call you when your alone as long as you state this. you might be able to get a female doctor you can address someone that is recommended to be compassionate towards your circumstances – you wont get the kids taken from you – your protecting them and they will stay with you xx love diymum

[diymum@1]

so the clinical mail box can be given to you by the receptionist -she will pass to the gp xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Oh sweetheart, I wish I could give you a nice big hug right now.

Please don’t look at this as a failure. You got there and you got there on your own, you are starting to think of ways that you can tell, these might be seen as babysteps but they are the biggest steps you will have to take. Just to confide in them. I understand how hard it must feel in that situation, but sweetheart if you manage to pass that note on to them, things will change for the better for you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, I promise you that. And I also promise you, you are not wasting anyone’s time – not the GP’s, not the dentist’s and not WA’s.

There are a lot of excellent advise on this forum that helps with children, I haven’t had the fortune of becoming a mother, but other ladies on here have gone through similar situations like you with their children, so there is of course a way for you to not lose your children in this. And WA can also help you with that. It’s okay you didn’t have it in you to confide in them the first time completely. It takes time to trust others again, but you are taking the steps, you are not failing, and I am so happy to hear you’ve left a time for WA to call you back because they really are amazing and understanding.

You have not failed. You have a right to be seen by a GP and it’s okay for you to insist on it. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and encouraging thoughts.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Anononagain, hi,💞I was thinking of you recently wondering how you were doing. You may not feel as if you’re progressing but you are. The decisions you are making are huge, you are going against him and that’s scary. You are building up the confidence to open up to people, that’s so hard to do, who to trust, will he find out. Don’t be afraid to hand that note over, GP’S work with you too, they know how scared you will be feeling. They may only reiterate what you know, that you should contact WA and see a solicitor, if you’re married or are financially tied together, but this is another way of writing down his behaviour of you, this is keeping a written record for the future, whatever YOU decide to do. It’s okay to open up, once you take that step, the rest will follow. You will get away from him, sometimes it takes that bit longer for some of us.
Take care my love, best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

Ahh you are all so so lovely to me . It honestly makes me cry tears of just a relief I can’t describe. I feel so so different to how I’m thinking the facts of my situation are I’m in a bizarre land of putting myself down before he gets there first … I’m walking into a door frame so I can have a vague resemblance of a door mark to excuse something else and I don’t need to because it’s obvious . I fear I’ve lost my mind . He has turned everything to a joke or have I ?? i can’t see another way of describing his behaviour other than so far fetched but I know that he’s struggled and I will help him in any way I can in some ways… I feel responsible because I married him knowing his addictions Sorry I’m
Overloading this with my waffle

[AlwaysSorry]

Spill it out, dear 🙂 You’re in a safe place to do so and we’re all here to listen.

None of this is your fault, none of it is your responsibility, he has conditioned you to this and I think in a way we absolutely lose our minds because that’s what they want us to, that’s why they behave the way they do, to make us question our own sanity and to selfdoubt until there is no self esteem left. This is why it’s so hard for us to leave because we no longer think what is best for us but what is best for them or try to preempt what they want from us and never succeeding because the goal posts always change.

I’m glad to hear there is a sense of relief. Remember, on this forum we are all anonymous strangers sitting behind our computers – and we believe every word you say. The same will happen when you talk with WA, they will believe every word you say. The same is true of your GP/Dentist, they will believe you. And none of it is your fault or responsibility 🙂

[Tiffany]

Well done for calling Women’s aid and leaving a message. That’s a big step. And for booking your smear test. Try and take that note to the dentist’s and the GP’s.

And maybe also start planning out ways you could leave in your head. I did that for probably 6 months before I left. I didn’t ever tell anyone. But I had a bag packed. I kept my bus pass in my phone case. I knew where every bus that went past my house went, so of there was one passing of I had to run I knew where I could safely get off – friends houses, police stations, that kind of thing. If I couldn’t get a bus I was going to run to the local corner shop, which had CCTV. I didn’t even know I was being abused. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to call the police, although that should probably have been part of the plan. But I was scared enough to be running these escape senarios in my head all the time. Eventually that lead to the confidence to find somewhere to rent and moving out.

It takes time, but you will get there. It’s definitely not in your head or your fault, or caused by you. He’s hitting you, and hitting you so hard that you have got a cracked tooth. No wonder you are doing everything you can not to anger him, to keep him happy and calm. You wouldn’t be safe if you didn’t. It’s a defence mechanism, not your personality. You can’t carry on like this though. It isn’t safe to stay either. So be careful, build up your strength and find your safe route to freedom.

[fizzylem]

Hello Anonanagain, pleased to see you are using the forum. This has gone too far now with the violence. It needs to stop, sadly this will never come from him, the only person who can change things now is you. Sounds to me like you need refuge sweetie.

I don’t know how old your children are but consider them here for a moment, how would you feel if they were in a relationship like the one you’re in now? We give them the blue prints for their adult relationships – they learn what they see and what they live. By leaving you are showing them that abuse is not right; that we need respect in all of our relationships – for the self and with others. Because your head is spinning, I would suggest you try and focus on what your children need, a safe, peaceful life; this will help guide you in the right direction.

You’re vulnerable right now because your head is spinning and thus unable to see what it is you need to do. It really is all about you drawing a line now and getting out with support and safely. Big hugs to you, wishing you courage x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Anononagain, how are coping sweetheart? Silly question, we do what we do to survive don’t we. I just wanted to let you know that I have the key to a lovely wee flat, given to me through WA. Not all refuge is communal living, i jyst wanted you to know that your local area may have flats or houses they use, as well as communal accommodation. I’m moving my personal things in there slowly but surely. Moving in day is getting closer, I’ve done a change of address form, informed the council that I’m leaving the house and to under no circumstances has he to know my new address, I’d to write a statement saying this. I’m untangling myself as much as I can without him knowing, but this has taken months of planning, telling him nothing, letting him lose his temper, say things, threaten me and mine, all the while carrying this huge secret. It is possible but we have to let WA help us. There’s no rush to move in once you’ve been given the flat. But once you’re moving things in, once the possibility sinks in that you can move out and be at peace, the pull to go gets stronger. I won’t lie I’m not looking forward to;

a- telling him (if I do)
b- having to see his number come up on my phone, unless he gives me no choice but to block him
c- actually drive away

But I’ve come this far, been strong enough to put up with abusive treatment for decades. Lord, I can go to the dentist now and get injections…. surely I can do this. Still can’t dangle my feet over the edge of the bed, the monster under it terrifies me. But the monster is in the shadows now, and I’m coming out, into the light.(heard that on Casualty at the weekend, thought it very appropriate))
Take our strength, it is so hard to break away, so so hard. But there is ALWAYS a way, ALWAYS when we last expect it, then you grab it and you just do it. Don’t think, do it. That’s been my mantra for weeks now.
Much love sweetheart, I pray you will be able to do this soon.
IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

Thank you ladies for writing on this post to me. It’s funny ( not haha) because I came on in the desperation to write saying how I’m really struggling right now. I feel thicker in the mud because of trying to do it my way and then trying certain avenues and chickening our every single time or he turns up from work at the time I’d said to WA on a voicemail . It’s almost like it was easier before I’d made small attempts because now I feel super trapped because of my own lack of confidence. He’s been ok most days today not so .. I cry thinking if my girls were to be with someone who has no respect for them. I also didn’t realise about some areas giving accommodation rather than communal refuge .. in say tearful happy for you iwmb I’m so so happy and in awe of your courage. I’m thinking of u and pray it all goes so well for you each step of the way.

I just can’t see i can ever do it. At the risk of being over dramatic I really do feel an utter failure .

[fizzylem]

You are not a failure you are simply worn out, battered emotionally and physically – can’t see the wood for the trees. Fearful of making any decision because you feel so low, anxious, tired and in distress. You need to go so you can show your girls how to be in the world. Pull in some support AAA, it will be there for you but you have to make the call and reach out. You will only regret how long you stayed in time. If you were able to put your fear and feelings to one side, what does your head tell you you need to do? Find your brave, you can do this xx

[Iwantmeback]

You are not an utter failure sweetheart, that honour is all his. Your enough is enough moment will come, he will cross whatever line you just won’t allow. Yes you’ll have doubts when he does that too but the way I see it. If I don’t leave after what he didn’t do and said, I’d be giving him the green light to be the way he is fir the rest of our marriage. Fir one moment after I’d made my decision, because he was trying, I nearly decided against leaving, but as soon as I thought that, I felt awful, resigned to this life. Considering I’ve been kinda happy at times that feeling was enough to chase the thought from my mind. I’m not thinking, I’m doing, giving no chance for thoughts to creep in.
You’ll have been making your plans subconsciously. the flat I’ve been given, I pass it every day, ALWAYS thought it would be nice to stay in the building. I practice LOA, stands for law of attraction. My wanting to live in that area, that’s what’s came through. The decor inside, I’d thought of the same colour scheme. Look into it, start small, the secret is totally believing it will work. I’ve been visualising packing a suitcase, carrying it downstairs, locking the door and putting the key through the letter box. I carried that suitcase out of my house last week. I’ve still a bit of stuff to take but I’m nearly there. It’s just the day itself and I know through visualisation it will be fine. It’s just the fear of it, the nerves that creates.
Stay strong, you’ll get there someday.
IWMB 💞💞

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