Is this a good sign for me?

[gettingtired]

I haven’t left yet but I’m wondering if certain feelings I get during the relationship might mean it won’t be as bad without him. I’ve been with him since I was technically a child and he’s all I’ve known in adult life so as you can imagine, leaving is somewhat terrifying.

However, I’ve noticed that just getting out without him I’m usually happier, even when he leaves the room I feel relief sometimes. Or being in a separate room to him. Or when he’s busy doing his hobby which means I can sit and do my own thing, watch what I want etc I feel relief.

When we do spend the evening watching TV together and go to bed at the same time he often winds me up or makes digs disguised as jokes or plays victim saying I just treat him like a mate and that I don’t love him. 

However, when we spend the evening apart in separate rooms he’ll be drinking and sometimes texts me long winded messages about his feelings, complaining about our relationship and me etc. I never reply and tell him it makes me anxious. Or if I go in the room he’s in if he’s feeling down he will sulk or play victim and do these long speeches all about his feelings and sadness etc. The next day he may bounce out of bed happy or he may drag it on from the previous night or be in a mood with me. 

Before covid I would often go and stay with my family overnight. I never had a plan of how many nights I’d stay there as I’d just call him and ask whether to come back or not that day. I’d almost always feel relief when he’d say stay another night as he’d continue with his hobby/drinking. Whenever I do go away he usually half jokes that I’d abandoned him and make out he was a lonely victim. Even when he had said to stay another night.

I also met someone at my last job who I felt a big attraction to and really enjoyed their company. He sort of admitted he liked me but nothing ever happened, we stayed in contact a bit but I sort of ended the conversation because I realised I’m in a vulnerable situation and shouldn’t be looking to another man for validation etc. Someone told me on here before that it’s a good sign as it means I can sort of see life with someone else eventually. (Make no mistake I’d have no intention of getting into a relationship after this one and the thought of ‘dating’ makes me feel physically sick..) I don’t think I could ever do it. The guy at work is the only person I could imagine being with but as I said I’ve stopped thinking about him so much right now to focus on me. 

So I’m wondering if the relief I feel being away from him whilst in the relationship is a good sign? I’m not going to lie, the stories of other women on here describing ptsd, nightmares, anxiety, grief etc even for years after they’ve left the relationship fills me with dread. 

[KIP.]

You’re building a great foundation for when you do leave. Breaking that bond slowly. Building a life and interests away from him. Being open for new friendships of any kind is a good thing. Many of us trapped couldn’t even look another person in the eye. Let alone form a friendship. Perhaps you’re cutting those strings one at a time while doing the grieving for the relationship. It reality it doesn’t sound like you’re getting much from this relationship while he’s getting an emotional punchbag. Listen to the song I’ve Got No Strings from Pinocchio. It always makes me smile x

[gettingtired]

Thanks Kip, I’ve got no strings made me smile. I love all the old Disney films.
I must admit, I worry about stupid things like all the ‘good’ guys will be married and taken and it will only be abusers or wasters left but like you said before it’s better to be alone forever than with an abuser.
Hopefully I will get there eventually 💪 x

[Hawthorn]

I think noticing how you feel better when he’s not around is really positive. I didnt realise how true that was until I left.

It’s strange but i never missed him, i was tormented with guilt for having left him, for how bad HE would feel, how lonely HE would be, how terrible it would be for HIM to realise he had turned into an abuser like his father…when I noticed those thoughts and tried to think about how how I felt; I felt relief, I felt free, I felt very sad at having endured such abuse for so long. I also suffered nightmares and severe PTSD after leaving, but I understand it as processing all the trauma, all the tears, all the fear I suffered during the abuse. I wasnt allowed to have any negative feelings during the “relationship” and so they all just got pushed down. They still had to be processed, I had just delayed it. I shudder to think how much worse it would have been had I stayed much longer. I am sure I would have had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward as I was convinced I was losing my mind.

You have clarity and knowledge that I didnt have then, so I would say that is really positive and you should be so proud of all you’ve learned. I have a lovely peaceful life now. I love my own company, I enjoy the peace of a quiet space again, I feel happy and contented and I only spend time with people who love me. No shouting, no name calling, no picking away with criticism, no silent treatment, no kicking of furniture, no threats of divorce, no threats to throw me out of the house, no threats of suicide, no violence.
Just peace. And I decide what’s on the telly and what’s for dinner. The little things in life!🤗

[gettingtired]

Hey Hawthorn, I remember you saying you didn’t miss him. I’m so glad you’re enjoying your freedom.
Everything I’ve learnt is all thanks to the ladies like you and kip and many others on this forum (and the books).
I’ll get there eventually I think, just going to take time xX

[Hawthorn]

All in your own time. You’re doing great.xx

[NeedANewMe]

Hi @Gettingtired, It’s great that you have these feelings because you need to feel ready in yourself before you leave as you will find yourself back in it. I could leave and within a max of two weeks we would be back together. Then I would think if only i stayed away id be out of this now. This time i sold the house and was buying things for the new house being happy without him being around, going to my aunties and having time away from him, not texting as often and worrying about replying straightaway.. But anytime he’d go to leave my anxiety would kick in and stop him crying my eyes out struggling to breathe. But even with feeling better to leave this time you can’t prepare yourself for the emotional and mental struggle. I am dying to contact him, i really want to believe his changed, I desperately want to go back.

I also had the long speeches/text messages of how he feels most of the time when he was on lows, serious talks all the time which would be draining. We’d be fine and then comes out the blue with all these serious talks. If i went off to do something and he was doing something else in another room he would be like you neglect me you don’t love. We could be just sitting there and he’d say you don’t want me or love me….

Because you have become so attached to this person you think when you leave that will be it, but i still dont feel free, i feel like it is the worse mistake of my life, i feel guilty for doing all this behind his back, I wanna know what his doing, who his talking to, is he regretting the way he treated me. i

XX

[Bettertimesahead]

Hawthorn, your story sounds similar to.mine. Before he left I knew he had destroyed a lot of my feelings for him and although initially I felt lonely and scared and sad at the end of a very long marriage I also felt calm, relief and now although I still have a long way to go and still traumatic times ahead I feel positive, I can make decisions and I am slowly regaining my confidence and my life.I never actually missed him

[Hawthorn]

Thanks for sharing, I feel guilty about it at times, the not missing him, so it helps to know you felt that way too, that he had destroyed the love I had for him.
In reality, not in the fantasy I was living in, there was nothing to miss. What’s to miss about an abusive, entitled toddler in a frightening, strong man’s body? Nothing.

[Author]

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