Is this a pattern for many of you…..

[mixed-up mum]

Following on from my post – “how log does this go on for” – there is definitely a pattern in my abusers family of being low achievers at school – stuck in low paid, hard labour, dead-end jobs with no power/authority/control in their work life – and then seeking that power/control at home instead, with their wives/partners and children.

How many of you have had this in your lives too?

Obviously this is not the same in all cases of abuse – but it’s certainly a pattern in my abusers family – I know my ex and his father were both physically abused and controlled by their fathers, and I just hope and pray that this cycle of abuse will stop now with my son, and this pattern will not continue…..

I know some of you will tell me your abusers were high achievers, well educated, and have good jobs with authority, but have to have power and control in ALL aspects of their life, including their home life – but Id like to hear your stories and views on this too.

Thank you.

[Serenity]

Yes, I replied on your other post too: I saw a definite increase in the abuse when the recession hit and he stopped earning the huge amounts he had been able to command before. It must have been a huge dent to his ego, and he got his power trip by exerting control on us.

He doesn’t treat his employees well. I used to tell him to pay them more! He bullies them, too.

The best chance of you stopping this cycle of abuse is to carry on being true to yourself, being a good role model, loving but strong in your values.

About a year ago, I posted a link on the old forum, as there was a newspaper article about how mothers ( not fathers) are the most influential in forming a child’s morality and life purpose.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Serenity – seems your ex was motivated by money and to him money equals power – when he wasn’t making so much money he had to get his ‘power kicks’ from somewhere else – eg you!!!

Yes I’m sure you can often tell the character of an employer by the way he treats his staff – treat them right, treat them fairly, pay them a decent going rate – show them they are appreciated – that’s a good & decent employer, and a fair and decent man…..

I’d like to HOPE it’s not too late for my son – that he has inherited some traits from me too – I do try and guid him and teach him right from wrong – give him decent morals and standards to live by……

[missgiddypants]

very intriguing this one ,I’m constantly racking my brains to figure out why my ex grew up to be the man he became ,arrogant and so full of himself ,wondering if it had anything to do with the child hood ,his dad wasn’t in a hard labour job he was a .. (think He**tBe*t and you will know what I mean as we can’t say it’s not on anymore but is set in the 60,s around certain individuals )his dad did this job and then did something else too ,always said hard work never killed anybody so wonder if that’s why my ex called folk lazy ,he was doing a hard labour job in our early marriage but got put on doing Dri*** for the firm ,then left that and went onto bigger companies so often wonder if it’s his job that has made him like he is ,mind you folk have often told me people that are bullies are insecure ,
my own dad abused me ,was bad tempered and we had to obey him or else we got punished x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Miss Giddy Pants – yes arrogant – that’s a great word to describe me ex father-in-law – he is a small man in stature – but had a big attitude!!!! He is ALWAYS right – NEVER wrong – and he is authority on EVERYTHING!! PIck a subject, any subject, and he will know all about it!!!! (and he doesn’t that’s the thing!!!)

He always has to have the last word – and he’s an obnoxious little man!!! A despicable character!!!

The way that man treated his kids was disgusting – and his poor wife has suffered at his hands for, but would never leave him, in the days they married you didn’t divorce – and so she stood by him for over half a century.

He talks down to her like she’s he’s ‘slave’ – and yet the next minute he’s all lovey-dovey with her – all an act!!!

[godschild]

One thing I see a pattern in as for us Women is that often we have had abusive fathers which i think leaves us vunerable to to tolerating abuse. We start off as damaged goods and are very vunerable with little self worth
As for abusers, my Father in Law was a very unpleasant selfish, Man who showed little care to his wife and was totally neglectful as a Father.
My Husbands Brother is also abusive to my sister in Law, albeit she wont face the truth of it
My husbands mom was very harsh an abusive to her sons. Im sure I pay the price for her in taking the abuse and rage that comes out.
My own son was so gentle and caring to me for many many years, so so lovley yet now he is grown he has become harsh to me, walks away if im in tears and has totally changed towards me and veers more towards taking his Dads part.
I also really beleive this can be a generational thing, ie mysogony runs in familes.
But what I have learned most from two sources of ex abusers who have toatlly reformed is that the abusers have what is known as arrested development due to childhood trauma so they go on to abuse as they are emotionally arrested in whatever age the trauma took place.
Some abusers seek to really get help to overcome this but many dont they stay in denial.
I think our children are affected very much by what they see and mine blame me for not have being able to leave as I have long term disabilites.
there is a site called MEVAC men ending verbal abuse and a lot of men on there are willing to look at themselves and get help and support from each other to reform , it interesting just reading the posts to see how some really want to get over being abusers. My Husband joined and never even posted on there , he read a little and calls them all sorts as well and calls it all of my c**p and books that he will not look at, I think the truth was too much for him to see , he chooses at present to stay in denial and says its 50/50 and a marriage problem and that we have arguments NOT that he is an abuser.
I think childern will react in many ways when they grow up spem becem abusers soem Girls amrry abusers.
I thought my son would always remain the lovley kind caring gentle person he was to me but he has changed as she got older. He is still kind at times but if I am distressd by abuse or need to talk he barriers go up and he cuts me off.
My husband has to be working and working its like that is his big self esteeem , he takes it out of me when work is not plentiful, his mother drum into the sons that work work work is so important and all you have to do is to provide financially nothing else mattered and I beleive mine feels inadequate and out of control when he does not have the work flow he wants, of course I get the blame or get hounded about what I spend etc.
My mother in Law could see no wrong in her son, she used to tell me I needed to get help and was I in menopause ie that was causing the issues
Th two books i have read re why these tow abuser wre abioive and overcame it are Emotinal abuse the silent kille rof marraiuge by Ausitn James, he puts his e maio adess in the back of his book ad he will anser you.
Thotehr book is Angry Men and teh women who love them by Paul Hegstrom, he is th founder of life skill internaional an organsiation thta helps abuser ot reform. My husbdna refusee ot rad these books and calls he authors a sort of names whihc show he is no tintent on gettign teh necessaty helpo at the moment, but theyhave taight me a lot of how it all owrks if yo want ot undertsand it.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi there Gods child – thanks for your reply and so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you – I wasn’t on here last night.

Well I grew up without my father from the age of 10 and they separated, and even when we lived with him he was never really there as a father – he worked long hours, and he liked a social life and ‘enjoyed a drink or two’ – I have very few memories of my childhood days – but from what I do remember he was never abusive towards us – but just never really there as a dad either…..

My ex father-in-law was/is a controlling and abusive husband and father – a despicable little man.
His children all know how he treats their mother but at her time of live she just lives with it – they know he has hit her – they know how he picks on her and humiliates her in public – and Im 100% sure he has sexually abused her too – but if she won’t leave what can they do…..

When I left my abuser his family totally cut me off – no contact whatsoever – not even a birthday card or Xmas card after 20+ years of being a part of their family – but 6mth after I left him and I was struggling with daily life, and very just and confused about things – and I rang my ex sis-in-law and I told her what he had done to me – that too tremendous courage – but unfortunately she blanked me – would not accept what I was saying and refused to believe me and sided with her brother.

I was so upset – I’d poured out my heart to her – and got the ‘cold shoulder’ – now full well she knew what her own father was like with her mother – was it beyond her to imagine her brother had done the same to me – full well she knew I was telling the truth….

It hurt so much that she had grown up with an abusive father – and yet refused to accept that her brother was just the same with me and his children….. I honestly felt that her being a wife and mother herself would have had some sympathy for me in my situation – she must have known in her heart that after she had known me for 20+yrs I would not just up and leave her brother for NO reason…….

I’m sorry to hear that your own son is treating you so badly – it is very hurtful to see them go like that – but I guess all we can do as their mother is give them the time and space, and hope that one day the son we know and love WILL come back to us.

You said about “arrested development” – I find this do hard to understand how can someone who has been abused can then go on to repeat the cicle and do the same to their wife and children – I just can’t comprehend how someone who has seen and suffered abuse and knows how it feels – then go on to repeat the cycle……..

I don’t think my ex will ever change – it really is just ‘bred’ into him – its in his genes I fear – and that just the way he is – so long as we all go along with what he wants he’s fine – but ‘cross him’ and you see a very different man!!!!
I pitty his next ‘victim’ who falls for his ‘charms’- so long as she showers him in love and is totally devoted to him, and him alone, then things will be fine – but he has to have sexual control and she will also have to give him sex as and when HE WANTS it – I honestly hope no other woman has to live with what I went through…….

My ex has never and will never accept responsibility for what he did in our married life – he’s in total denial about it too.

In HIS MIND it was MY FAULT for I did not show him enough love and and I never gave him cuddles or kisses – and never let him have sex – and it was nothing to do with how he treated ME!!

Its interesting how your husband feels he has to work constantly, and be the ‘big man’ and the ‘provider’ to feel like a man.

You talk about your mother-in-law could see no wrong in her son – well mine is the same – but the thing is – she is married to his controlling and abusive father – does it never cross her mind that I might be telling the truth and its a case of ‘like father – like son’……

Thank you for sharing your story and sharing your views and opinions – I have enjoyed our conversation.

I hope the son you know and love will come back to you again soon ,- my very best wishes to you.

Regards,

Mixed-up Mum

x*x

[missgiddypants]

I went to see my then Gp when my ex left me ,told her I was depressed ,told her that I was bullied at school abused by my dad ,bullied at work and abused by my husband ,she gave me some info to read on being abused as a child how it affects you has an adult and one thing it says if your abused as a child you will stay in an abusive relationship ,not sure why tho ,and some of the other things it says are true about me too x

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you all ladies for your replies.

Good to hear your stories and your views on this subject.

I’m just very conscious of watching my son for ANY signs of abusive or controlling behaviour – BUT then I do think it makes me read diffently in to situations and ‘see things’ that are maybe not always there.

Like the other day it as just him and me in the car, and I was taking him to play his sport – and on goes the radio – well he wants Radio 1 of course, and me being an ‘oldie’ prefer Radio 2!!

Well Radio 1 was rubbish just ‘a noise’ (showing my age!!!!) and so I flicked it over to Radio 2 – well the LOOK he gave me (as he flicked it back to Radio 1) – he just GLARED at me with that same disapproving look his father would give me if I wasn’t doing what HE wanted…..

I was so stunned and shocked I didn’t say or do anything – I just didn’t know how to handle the situation…..I was really taken aback by him doing that to me…..

So you see that’s what I mean – WAS he just being a ‘normal’ selfish teenager and ‘wanting his own way’ – OR was that him trying to assert his power over me – and control what we listened to???

It chilled me to the bone – to see my son do that to me – I don’t want him growing up to be a 4th generation of abusive controlling men.

But I honestly don’t think he had any idea what he was doing was ‘wrong’ – maybe he was just ‘having a laugh’ with me and meant nothing by it at all.

If I had not lived with a controlling and abusive husband I wouldn’t even be looking out for this in my son, and I would most likely never have thought anything of it – but we lived with his father until my son was a teenager and by that time my son will have seen and heard plenty abusive behaviour – and taken in way too much bad traits…..

[godschild]

I think that if you are abused as a child you gro up with low self worth even if you witness abuse especially a girl seeing her Dad mistreat her Mom, my Dad used to say over n over to my mom , you are useless woman, shut it Woman you are no sort of wife to me. A little girl ingests this and she may also see men treating women like this as normal.

[Ayanna]

Mixed-up-mum, I do not want to scare you, but according to what you wrote I find that your son has this abusive behavior already in him.
You should try to get him into a program where he learns de-escalation and non-violent conflict resolution. He probably needs counselling too. I know how difficult it is to get counselling, but I think for the sake of all of you he should get counselling.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Ayanna – I am scared – I don’t want to think of my son in that way…..

My son is the youngest of my two, and he was not aware of the abuse I suffered with my husband – and the sexual stuff is not something you can discuss with your teenage son…..

My daughter found out what her father did to me and she was very protective of me – she was under immense strain trying to protect me from him and she almost had a breakdown – she was supported by Women’s Aid for a year and a half after we left her father – but my son knows nothing of this – nothing about the abuse, or about Women’s Aid – and to be quite honest he hardly talks to ME – I’d nevet get him to go to any counselling and talk or go for any therapy….. He’s just not one for telling me things or showing his feelings much…..

[Ayanna]

He probably received the unconscious messages of what happened. And some have it in their genes to be violent and abusive. They need dedicated education to not become abusers.
With boys education to be non abusive needs to start early. He might see things in school too that influence him badly if he is susceptive to them.
I have seen so many children grow up throughout my lifetime. Some boys were so lovely and peaceful from the start. Others were wild and uncontrollable and drove their mothers into desperation.
It is never a good sign for a child not to open up to the mother. He might brew things in his head ….
I am just speaking out of my experiences with many children I saw growing up. He needs someone he can trust. Nowadays this is so difficult as teachers do not care anymore and the community does not either. You need to find the way into his mind, so that you can speak at the same level. When things go on for too long they are difficult to change. x*x

[Author]

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