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    • #117590
      True2myself
      Participant

      I’m currently in abusive marriage but this is a different type of problem. Just wondered if it’s anything.

      We have a joint bank account but we both also have accounts in our own name but mine always say £0.
      He has wages that go into one of his that I can’t see. Any money that goes in the joint account he takes it to his own accounts and puts money back into joint if it’s needed. Ok never ever know how much money we actually have cos I can’t see it. Some of it is for bills but don’t of it he says he knows what’s what but I can’t see it so I have no clue. He doesn’t see a problem. I have to ask for things and sometimes he will give me some money for what I ask for or sometimes I’ll get questioned.

      I had £20 and I had to send it to joint account and he got paranoid and cancelled all standing orders to my accounts.
      I don’t know what to do if this is a thing

    • #117591
      maddog
      Participant

      It’s a thing! He’s financially abusing you. He’s probably doing lots of other things as well. Well worth a call to Women’s Aid. You’re not alone, and it’s a horrible situation to be in.

      • #117593
        True2myself
        Participant

        He says it in a way that he’s doing us a favour? He likes to look at money in bank and not spend too. If it goes then he gets sad. But If I buy things it’s for kids and I’m a really low maintenance person. He says he controls it so we ok but I don’t know it makes me sad and having to ask for things and be told no sometimes. Or yes but there’s a twist like. Yes you can have it just remember we have bills to pay

    • #117595
      maddog
      Participant

      It’s wretched having to ask for money like a small child. It’s awful to keep the family finances secret. He’s using money as a tool of Power and Control. It’s part of a pattern. Abusers are boringly predictable. Please keep posting and make contact with Women’s Aid. You will be able to disentangle yourself. You’ve made a start by posting here!

    • #117611
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      This is 100% textbook financial abuse. It’s not ok whatever he might be telling you. Do reach out to womens aid, abuse is like web throughout lots of parts of your life and as maddog said he’s likely doing lots of other abusive things that have become normal during your relationship.

      Well done reaching out here, it’s the first step. You deserve support xx

      • #117627
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you he advises me in every other way, this is just something I wasn’t sure of. Since this post I told him it’s not right and he got bad and at off my cptsd. He does not agree at all.

    • #117629
      True2myself
      Participant

      He talked about it and asking me who enlightened me to this. I have PTSD from his violence and gaslighting and sending me insane, he just said (detail removed by moderator). He’s evil!!

    • #117636
      maddog
      Participant

      Please keep records of his behaviour. He’s the person with the problem. You’re affected deeply, as we all are by the abuser’s problem. It’s really not worth trying to communicate with an abuser, as you’re learning. It’s worth looking up Grey Rock.

      These people are deeply damaged pathetic cowards at their core. At best, they’re pitiful.

      Remember that you’re doing really well and you’re recognising the behaviour for what it is. Keep reaching out!

    • #117637
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      He will never admit that anything he is doing is wrong. He feels completely entitled to behave as he does and believes it is your role to put up with it. You would be better (and safer) talking to the wall than talking to him.

      Reach out to womens aid of you haven’t already, you really deserve the support. None of this is your fault and you’re doing great.

      Tell him nothing. Your silence towards him is your power. Take it back xx

      • #117711
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you. Yes i have taken a break from woman’s aid. But need to go back. I’m very loyal and find it hard to keep secrets from him but I need to do it and I have a couple of getting away from him secrets. Just very difficult

    • #117640
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Hi I agree, it’s a waste of time trying to tell him he’s abusive. It will only be denied or used against you. I did because I suppose I wanted to give my partner the chance to change if he realised he was abusive but they’ll never admit to it. In fact I ended up being called a n********t by him! Don’t waste your energy, focus on yourself and getting out xx

      • #117712
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you. I too done that but it ran me into the ground and I just do anymore. Can’t get head around how humans can do this to others

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