Is this abuse?

[Beautifulletdown]

Is this abuse? Please help!

I’m new here, thanks for taking the time to read my post. I’ll try to be brief and not waste too much of anyone’s time but I would really appreciate any thoughts you might have.

My main question is: is this abuse?

Firstly, I was recommended by my counsellor to contact women’s aid (as the experts on these issues) to help me work through my husbands behaviour and whether it is abuse. I’ve also always felt deep down some things weren’t right/ normal and often felt some situations were ‘very dark’ (the only way I can describe the atmosphere) but just rationalised it away. I was partly able to do this because my husband doesn’t tick, let’s say, some of the more ‘typical’(?) abusive signs (“he isn’t hitting me or controlling the money or taking my phone” I would say to myself) but is much more subtle which makes things very hard to describe to give the full sense of the situation(s). The amount of times I’ve been at my wits end just wishing someone else could be a fly on the wall to tell me, “this isn’t right or normal, you’re not crazy”…but I’ll do my best. Again, thanks for reading

– when we first started our relationship he was very over the top, I was the best person ever, he’s never felt like this with anyone else, always ‘all over me’ (for religious reason we didn’t have sex til we were married) all the time BUT after the novelty wore off we basically went to being friends/ brother sister (sex drive died out) This felt more extreme than a ‘normal’ honeymoon phase. I’ve been in one other, what I would call, successful relationship before him (for (detail removed by Moderator) years) where yes there was a honeymoon phase (but not this extreme) but eventually you settled into a nice rhythm. With him it was cycles of all or absolutely nothing.
– Before we were married when things petered out he would break up with me but still want to spend time with me as friends (I was stupid and still had feelings for him so didn’t break it off) eventually we ended up back together and the over the top affection would start again only to die off again and again and so the cycle continued several times. As we were religious I challenged him eventually to stop messing me around, to make a choice, we’re heading for marriage or not, you decide. So he proposed and long story short we’ve been married (detail removed by Moderator) years and this cycle has continued so many many many more times I’ve lost count (it’s so embarrassing (beyond embarrassing I can’t think of a strong enough word) that I even married him, I feel so stupid). I will add here that this has been the cycle of all his relationships. He’s had many many many short term relationships but his previous girlfriend of (detail removed by Moderator) years said the exact same pattern happened but she broke it off in the end (stronger than me) when he tried to win her back again for a final time. I’ve left the marriage several times in (detail removed by Moderator) years but each time he managed to win me back thinking he’s changed (after a long period of ignoring me). The last time, after he’s pretty much won me back (not before I add which I think is a key detail), he confessed he’d slept with a female friend (who I was always a little sceptical about as they did stuff together (cinema etc) when I was at work but he hit the roof when I suggested it was inappropriate) and he also started to see someone else when we were separated but said he didn’t sleep with her. But only told me after I’d been won back and was emotionally attached, he wasn’t upfront and honest.
– His ideal life is just friends with no intimacy. But this isnt good for me so I’m always trying to accommodate him and his issues trying to carefully move things forward but whoever I do he does nothing differently and is u willing to try anything and whenever I bring it up it ends in and argument and him getting angry. after an argument he then ignores me so I give him space and just be content with living miserable separate lives(which I don’t see as healthy or normal). Eventually I’ll crack and go to him and bring up what is goi gin but if I get upset or angry he sits there and says nothing and says I always want to win arguments. It’s really hard to describe an ‘argument’ with him. He is allowed to get angry, walk off (which is always does, we can never just discuss/ argue and move on, he always explodes walks away part way though which is so hurtful, if he said something like ‘okay, I need a minute, can we take a break, I’ll come back in an hour and we can continue’.) but if I get upset or even just stand up sometimes he’s like”see look how your being” “stop shouting” etc etc but he is allowed to do all this and more. At times I’ve been on my knees sobbing and begging him to stay and work this through but he just sees it as ‘being angry’ not heartbroken and bereft he just sees me having a go at him not a broken woman begging. I feel like with him I have to be a psychologist. I have to approach him like a objective pshhcologist might, not get upset or angry and if I ever want to talk about anything. But even that doesn’t work he just shuts down and says he can’t win against me (I don’t feel like I’m been trying to win, only be heard. I’ve spent hour and hours trying to explain things so clearly to him so he can understand my point of view but he never does and it’s always wasted energy) he makes me feel guilty by blaming his upbringing or personality problems. He twists things and shuts down completely to ignore me. But then says he wasn’t ignoring me.
– Sex. He refuses to be intimate (only really when he’s in the winning me back phase when he’s all over me) and when I sense it dropping off again and try to lightly bring it up. He fobs me off ‘everything is fine you’ve got to trust me’. I would also add here I was expected to get over his adultery very quickly and not talk about it to him. It’s like he was afraid to feel the shame. Anytime I brought up any what I’d say were normal insecure worries after adultery like ‘might you get drunk and sleep with someone else again like what happened with your friend’ he would just say I didn’t trust him and it will never happen and almost get angry that I didn’t believe him. I wasn’t allowed to respond to what he did.
– I might add here that I’m not a psychologist but his father seems to be a classic n********t and has (in my opinion) abused his mum (who now is paralysed by severe anxiety including being hospitalised several times) for years. She is very meek, quiet, and sensitive. It’s scary how alike we are. Did he (subconsciously?) pick someone like his mum as that’s the only relationships he’s known? He thought I’d be weak and basically be a doormat? There’s Other family what I would say is ‘dysfunction’ but that’s a whole other story. In short one sibling is severely controlling, the other a recovered alcoholic and the other divorced (similar intimacy issues). He always has a reason for his behaviour I might add. Most of it he blames on his family. Or says things like ‘I think I’ve got a personality disorder problem’ which to me is very serious but never gets help or goes to a doctor just uses it to blame. He will say sorry but ne er for anything specific and it won’t lead to a change in behaviour. He says sorry and I feel guilty but nothing changes.
– I struggle with being a perfectionistand I’m. Very hard on myself. I’m quite insecure and feel now like an easy target for him. He is an extrovert and loves people (and everyone loves him but they don’t see what he’s like to me really). He always dominates conversations and as I’m an introvert I just let it happen when we’re with friends. When I talk more with him at home he says that I dominate ourconversations (I really don’t! I just want to talk about an important issue (say a work thing) with my husband but you can tell he doesn’t care massively (I sense he’s internally thinking I’m here going on again) then says in an argument I always dominate conversation at home which is Another thing he does in arguments is say unkind things (he later says he doesn’t mean them) which seem like his true feelings but later denies it. Although in an argument I guess you might say things you don’t mean I suppose this just seems more extreme, there’s honestly not a time I’ve said something I wasnt happy to confirm later. I never said things I didn’t mean just to be spiteful.
– (detail removed by Moderator) he ended the marriage (again) so I said okay. You can finish the house (wed just had some renovations done) so we can sell it. He didn’t do anything. So after a few weeks of ignoring and avoiding g me I started to do the work myself (life was miserable so wanted to get things moving) he left me to do everything. And I mean everything. I did all the work on all the rooms in our house(he later reminded me how he done some of the other work, implying we were even, we weren’t I spent much more time on what I did). He works for himself (detail removed by Moderator) days a week and often has more time than me (a (detail removed by Moderator) hours per week (detail removed by Moderator) job) but I spent every hour doing the work evenings weekend etc. He spent free time drinking. After about (detail removed by Moderator) months he asks if he could help (after I’ve started to plan my future, look for properties and selling etc, tell family friends etc and start to move on) then he starts ‘being nice ‘ again trying to make me meals and chat to me. At first I think he just keeping things neutral while we finish the house but I finally wised up and called him out on what was he doing. He said ‘something changed’ (it hasn’t this was the same old cycle starting). I challenged him and said I don’t think it has this is what you do. Take your feeings out of it and decide what you want. After that he went back to ignoring and avoiding me in the mean time (literally hiding from me) I finish the house and text Him for an answer (again trying to give him what he wants, not a confrontation) which he ignores and ignores. He has replied recently as I arranged for agents to come and value the house which he seems to be compliant with but still hasn’t been clear with me. Will he turn nasty and refuse?
– I’ll add in now about his drinking. Before we were married we didn’t really drink. A couple of time we did get drunk on holiday but it was rare. We’d have soft drinks at meals out etc and don’t drink at home. But because we didn’t live together until marriage I didn’t realise is that he’d spend days sometimes out drinking all night which has always been an issue. He says I’m being unreasonable and everyone drinks at say a football match. I get that, but with him it’s like he’s extreme again trying to avoid his life. Which is what he has been doing since (detail removed by Moderator). drinking I would say excessively (detail removed by Moderator) times week, sometimes not coming home (or drinking at home but hiding beer bottles). It just doesnt seem healthy. It’s more than just a complaining wife about a few beers with the lads. It’s like he can’t have one beer say with a meal or a glass of wine. He always wanted to go to extremes.
– On our wedding night (we waiting to have sex though he’d had sex before but I hadn’t) he didn’t come near me. I was hurt and felt rejected and was like’donr you want to have sex’ and he said ‘I thought you’d be tired’ so on our wedding night we slept in separate beds the next day he apologised and we had sex but it felt like he was doing it to get it over with. On our honey moon he just wanted to get wasted and smoke. He had to force himself to come near me and made excuses Mose of the time to not be intimate with me.
– There’s more I could say but I don’t want to go on. I’ve already said enough. I’m not sure I’ve given a good picture. My counsellor suggested one things is that he might be gaslighting me which does make sense now, I’m starting to see how he made me fee Like I was the bad controlling one who couldn’t say the right things.
– once I had a Breakdown and smashed (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) with a piece of it. He stopped me but didn’t really seem to care. I was left broken In The bathroom trying to tend to the wound. I genuinely lost it so much so that I didn’t feel any pain when I did it. and I’m not proud of what I did but it was genuine dispair not an attempt to control him or act a certain way. Which I wonder if he thought that?
This post is far too long. I’m so sorry. I can’t even face going back through it to spell check. I hope it makes sense. I’m typing it on my phone at 2amz In all of this I’ve become a shell of the person I really am. I have anxiety and my memory is terrible (doctor said because of stress). I just feel like this might all be my fault. Like I didn’t love him perfectly or enough. Like I should have done or said x y z better. can anyone relate?
Thanks if you got this far x*x

[Catjam]

Hi, I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. Life with these men make us question our sanity. Im not good at giving specific advice but I would suggest reading and research. I favour Lundy Bancroft and his books but I know there are a lot more out there that may be better for your situation.
I would also talk to someone at Womens Aid or find a local support group. My gp put me in touch with my local group as mine is emotionally abusive rather than physical.
If you search for gaslighting and the FOG of abuse it brings up loads of websites you may also find helpful.
I would just add the comment you made about his previous girlfriend being stronger than you isn’t true. You are stronger than you realise but these men are very clever at getting under our skin and make us believe that they are so right for us.
I hope you find the answers you need to move forward. Take care xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi beautifulletdown,
Yes Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’ is very enlightening, you can read it online for free. Also Youtube is a great resource, i like Dr Denise Dart and Vivian Mcgrath right now, but really educate yourself on abuse and you will start to see through his behavior.
This forum has been a god send to me, keep reading posts and posting, their are many great women on here who really know their stuff and are so helpful.
It’s so difficult and I know how you feel in this confusion. But your not the crazy one, the more you learn the more you’ll see this, but it’s a journey. I recently left but the confusion is still there big time.
Also these quizzes are good on the website Queenbeeing, she has another quiz about where you are on your recovery – there’s alot of info.
(detail removed by moderator)
Sending love and support

[Author]

Posts