26th August 2021 at 10:24 am #130606
Is this abuse?
When with my partner, he’d often call me a (detail removed by moderator) during sex. He’d tell me he loved me so much, but then he’d say this, as well as (detail removed by moderator). I felt worthless. (Detail removed by moderator) he demanded I tell him I loved him during sex. I couldn’t bring myself to do so because he’d emotionally hurt me so much. When I refused, he said (detail removed by moderator) Then finished. The (detail removed by moderator) during sex, he put one hand around my throat. He didn’t squeeze my throat, there was hardly any pressure, but I was shocked. I just lay there. He’d never done it before and there was no discussion about it before or after. My question is, is this abusive? I feel it all was. I never said anything. It’s an awkward subject. I feel still that I’m overreacting. He used to watch a lot of porn. I hated it. I know people say a lot of stuff/name calling during sex. Is what he said ok? Some people like it. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? After having our first baby, we didn’t have sex for ages. I was frightened because I had stitches. The first time we had sex, he was quite aggressive. I was frightened of the pain. During, I remember we him saying (detail removed by moderator). I remember it hurting and I had tears. But I can’t remember if I ever vocalised anything. I do not think I did. I always seem to minimise. I would he have known if I never said anything? We are not together now.
26th August 2021 at 11:48 am #130608ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi there, yes this is very definitely abuse. You’re describing sexual abuse, but I expect there was other abuse too as it’s not normally only sexual. I’m really sorry to hear you were treated this way. I’m not surprised at all that you felt worthless. Everything you say sounds very typical of abusive behaviour and your thoughts/feelings are normal reactions to abuse. I would really recommend you read up on abuse to make sense of things, it really helped me. I often recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
Abuse is all about control and an imbalance of power. Abusers want control and domination over their partners and use various manipulation and intimidation to get and maintain it. It creates a complex psychological response in the abused, called trauma bonding, which really messes with your head. You minimise the abuse as a survival tactic. It’s a completely normal response.
An abuser’s idea of love is not real love. He might feel like he loved you but how can someone think it’s ok to treat someone they love like that? An abuser’s idea of love is obsession and possession. He said (detail removed by moderator) because he believed he owned you. You were there to meet his needs. He didn’t want an equal partner, he wanted a possession.
His behaviour might not be uncommon, although I certainly hope it is, but it is absolutely not ok. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience between two people. What you describe is somebody who thinks it’s ok to expect you to accept him having zero interest in your enjoyment. It actually goes further than that – he thinks it’s ok to devalue you during sex. Maybe he got these ideas from porn, but even if it’s normalised in porn, it’s not ok.
It doesn’t matter whether you vocalised anything or not. You shouldn’t need to tell another adult that this type of behaviour is upsetting/scary/traumatising. It’s unthinkable that he doesn’t realise that calling you names during sex would be hurtful. Would he want his daughter to be treated this way? Also, confronting abusers about their behaviour almost always pointless and results in an escalation of the abuse (they see it as a loss of control, so they up the ante to get it back), vehement denial, more manipulation or accusing you of being the abuser.
I would recommend reaching out for support. Have you tried your local women’s aid? They may offer various types of support such and one to one or courses. And of course keep reaching out here, you’ll find it a really supportive place. Sending love xxxx
26th August 2021 at 7:17 pm #130617LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be. I can see that ISOPeace has given you really good supportive advice.
Yes this is abuse, your ex-partner forced you into doing things you were not comfortable with and that you did not consent to. Putting his hand on your neck, being aggressive and upsetting you is not ok. You are not overreacting at all, you deserve to be treated with respect. You could think about speaking to Rape Crisis for some support; https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
Please keep posting on the forum, we are all here for you.
26th August 2021 at 9:41 pm #130619
Thank you for your words. But is it abuse if I didn’t voice anything during? If I said nothing, how would he have known it was upsetting for me? Is that abuse? If I’d have voiced being upset and he would’ve continued, then surely that’s different. I still feel it was wrong though. It made me feel terrible. I found out he’d cheated on me a while before and We’d been trying to work things through. I couldn’t bear it. I went from feeling passionate about him, trying to clutch at something which had been lost, to absolutely loathing him, to feeling utterly trapped, wretched and distraught. His language during sex at times, really upset me and due to his cheating, made me feel absolutely awful. I felt a complex of messy, juxtaposed feelings.
But I’m now out. I’m not with him.
I’ve had therapy and I’ve learnt about coping mechanisms and why i’d split and minimise to protect myself. But I still deny and I still minimise. I’m in constant shock and I go though despising him to feeling pity for him, to thinking I’m overreacting, to panicking about telling people about what happened because I may be overreacting. All of my friends and family say they saw him for what he was ages ago, but I saw it and chose to look past it. I had rose tinted glasses on.
27th August 2021 at 10:55 pm #130668
He was abusive in other ways. At the end of our relationship, he’d smash and hit things, kick things over, rattled door and window handles, yell, and if I didn’t agree with him, he’d hound me to back down. He threatened to throw me out a window if I didn’t leave one day.
I never reported anything. The arguments were awful, and I felt partly to blame because I couldn’t let go that he’d cheated on me. I didn’t drop the subject for (removed by moderator) months, everyday. I feel like I drove him to say those things. But, irrespective, I’m out.
27th August 2021 at 11:12 pm #130673HettyParticipant
It sounds like you’re having a really hard time thinking over the details of your relationship with your ex. It’s really hard to process. Have you ever reached out to a domestic abuse service for support? I wonder if it might help you at this time. I know you’ve said you’ve had therapy but not sure if this was specialised.
You said that you didn’t let it go that he’d cheated. What were you supposed to do? Just accept the man you loved has done this to you and act like nothing had happened. That wouldn’t be reasonable or normal. Acting in the ways that he did is certainly not a way you’d expect a loving partner who genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship to behave. Often these men do cheat – it’s another abusive tactic.
Your friends and family are telling you they saw through him. Listen to them when you feel yourself questioning or doubting. Domestic abuse is so complex. We live life second guessing, being told we are over reacting, being gaslighted. It takes a long time to find ourselves again.
Just because you didn’t speak out doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse. Ask yourself why you didn’t feel able to, all the times you felt uncomfortable. Surely an attuned partner would have seen your discomfort and unease. Often it’s what’s not said that communicates the loudest.
Stay strong and know your truth ❤️
28th August 2021 at 7:57 am #130679EyesopeningParticipant
I’m glad your out, the hardest part is over. Now it’s time to heal and educate yourself on abuse.
Whach Dr Ramani, Caroline Strawson, I really like Vivian Macgraph and Dr Denise Dart. The more you learn the better you’ll feel, the more you realise how you were not the problem and could not have done anything differently to avoid this treatment from him.
Just because you didn’t voice your feelings.. Doesn’t mean someone cannot read your face and your emotions.
‘most experts agree that 70 to 93 percent of all communication is nonverbal’
Keep reaching out for support, talk to your local DA services, call them, talk to you GP, there is support out there, I know it’s hard but the more you reach out the better you will feel and the more validated you will feel x*x
28th August 2021 at 9:49 am #130684WaterspriteParticipant
Hello. Yes it’s abusive he sounds a lot like my ex these are the wolves in sheep’s clothing they deliberately manipulate and we take all the blame. He did the most horrific things but I blamed myself. I found the psychological abuse much harder to get over than the physical or sexual abuse. This forum helps and this book Healing from Hidden Abuse Shannon Thommas really helped. Well done for getting out focus on you now x*x
29th August 2021 at 8:36 am #130708
Thank you everyone. It is difficult, isn’t it, it navigate through the fog. I have been through stages after I left him, a while ago now. At first I fluctuated between horror/denial/feeling sorry for him. He had this way of either instigating arguments when I saw him/telling me he loved me/ ignoring me at child pick up/drop off. I always felt so nervous when I saw him – how would he be to me and in front of the kids?
I then started to pull further away and I was restarting things I’d loved doing well before we married.
The third stage was after I stopped seeing him completely because a third party helped with the kids.
I’ve now pulled away further. I rarely pity him. I’m not being manipulated. I’m moving forwards, but there’s still the fog and I need validation every now and then that his behaviour was wrong and abusive. It’s hard to go through a huge chunk of your life being told your over reacting, very sensitive and paranoid, and then all of a sudden you’re not.
It makes me question what was real to him, to us. We’re the times I remember being happy real? Or was he playing away then as well? My friends said they hated the way he spoke to me/treated me years ago. It’s difficult to think that a huge chunk of my life may have been a lie.
I’m getting help and recently signed up to an online DA programme.
Another thing that completely floored me was that he recently flatly denied specific incidents that happened where I categorically say he was abusive. Instead, he flatly denied them, and said I was the abuser and then described me using certain words, which were just ridiculous. I was so upset. I couldn’t comprehend why he’d flatly deny something when it happened, then twist it round to say I’m the one. I’ve since read that there is an abbreviated term which is used for this and perpetrators do it.
I think the more time that passes, the better I’ll be, but I still feel intense grief/ loss for the stage in my life when I felt we were happy and I can never get that back, or even confirm he wasn’t cheating then.
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