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my husband likes to stop me eating sweets till he decides i can which is when he wants to i feel like a child some times he says hes joking and eat what i want its confusing maybe im imagining it and he is joking? he sometimes says hurtful things about my weight other times says he loves me anyway and once he got annoyed saying i was greedy and took a handfull of sweets and started ramming them into my mouth till he couldnt fit anymore in but makes out hes only playing but i didnt like it
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Marianne this is a bit tricky. Is it possible that he is genuinely intersted in your health but like many people is unable to express himself in a balanced manner? That does not justify the lack of sensitivity, and ultimately, as an adult, you need to be able to communicate in a way that is sensitive and if he makes you feel this way, and is unable to listen to you and question what he does, even if he has not got bad intention still what he does is not right for you. But you made me think of my situation, and that’s why I find this tricky.
I know this may sound a bit different. Tiffany knows the end of my story.
My ex used to reproach me of the same things you say about your husband; the situation was this. His daughter had medical problems, which required daily medication and proper diet. However, having developed a few bad habits as many kids do, she refused school meals and only had, and I say only ever had processed meat in her packed lunch; mainly sausages, but not the butcher ones, the really cheap ones or processed meat sticks. Also both parents most often would forget to give her her medication. So I felt extra responsibility.
Since we had his kids (detail removed by Moderator) of the times my ex partner and I split the roles, and I was in charge of food and medications and he was in charge of other things. Since we know from 2015 now that processed meat is carcinogenic and there is no longer any doubt, I explained to the kids that we would reduce that from now on; I would hand make things like chicken nugets and make things that contained proper meat that all kids may enjoy, but tried to avoid bacon and other processed meat apart from obviously sunday breakfast parties or nights out. To me this seemed very reasonable given the health state of one of the kids. No total ban but not on a daily basis. However, one of the things he eventually reproached me when he left is that I was controlling and incoherent. If it was bad, then I should ban it altogether. If then was not bad, all this fuss of mine was controlling, he said.
Differently from your ex, I never belittled him or the children for their preferences or tasts, and I wouldn’t ‘stop’ my ex from eating what he wanted in or out the house, but obviously because I cooked, I was cooking wihtout processed meat for us all. Also, I didn’t make jokes towards him or the daughter, didn’t say never any hurtful thing, differently from your husband, at least not that I know of – if I have done, was totally unintentional and never brougth to my attention by anyone, anyway I don’t think I ever said anything that could come across as derogatory. Always said we know this now and need to make slight changes because this is like smoking and I wand you kids to grow healthy.But like you feel with your husband, he did tell me, actually, he did not question, he accused me openly, of being controlling… so I wonder whether I was, from what you say!! He actually was laughing at me at times. If he was out with his friends he’d send me a photo saying: “(detail removed by Moderator)“. I wonder whether he did feel that way, that I was controlling him and kids; by my part there was no intention to control his eating, never checked on his menu or advised (not that I can remember) whereas with regard to the kids I found it was my responsibility in my house to feed them properly even if they were not my kids, and even if at their mother’s they would eat differently. Actually I wonder now whether he was being abusive towards me? Anyway, that is really tricky.
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There is a world of difference between controling what kids eat – especially if you are the one who is shopping and cooking, and are making descisions based on the health of the family, and controlling what an adult member of the family eats. I have been in the opposite situation, where my abuser used coercive control to force me to eat more than I wanted or needed so that I would gain weight and lose confidence. I am naturally fairly slim and he was very overweight. But by the time I left him I was several stone heavier than I am normally. Now I tried to persuade him that we needed to change our eating habits and he told me that was me trying to control him. I would question if we needed second helping, if we could cook instead of ordering takeaways etc. I would point out that we both had weight problems.
The thing that tells me that I was not abusive and that Maryanne’s husband was are various. Firstly consistently treating an adult like a child, and persisting when you are told that it makes them feel like a child is abusive (if they had made a joint descision to try and monitor her weight it would be different). Also shifting goalposts are a real red flag for abuse. Being banned from something except when he wants is is hugely controlling. And never knowing if it will be acceptable or not is a tool used by abusers to keep their victims on edge. I would also never have dreamt of joking or teasing my partner about hus weight. He was sensitive about it, so to do so would have been cruel. And I didn’t comment of his eating unless we had a prior agreement to do so. But the bit that absolutely seals the deal and proves that her husband has crossed the line and is abusive is the cramming her mouth with sweets because she was in his eyes greedy. That is an assault. And none of us would dream of doing that to anyone else, adult or child. I suspected abuse from the other parts of the description – too many elements for it not to be. If he had tried consistently to stop her eating sweets, or stopped her eating them except on special occasions then I might suspect an insensitive attempt to help her control her weight (my Mum, who isn’t abusive does this to me and it drives me nuts). Same with the unkind comments – if it were only them he could be tactless. But both together, combined with the shifting goalposts, persisting although she has told him it is upsetting to her and the assault don’t really leave any room for doubt.
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Puzzledatlife, it is common for abusers to accuse us if what they are doing themselves. It keeps us confused. Trying to make sure a sick kid gets a healthy diet is not abusive. And it is not unreasonable that you also changed everyone else’s diet in line with her’s. So long as you were doing it as tactfully as you could, without intentionally making anyone feel guilty or anxious about their weight, then I don’t see that as abusive. As you said, you weren’t checking up on the diet of the other adult in this situation, only the kids. Sure, he was eating healthier food if you were cooking, but you were cooking. If Maryanne had said ‘my husband always makes salad and never cooks me bacon, is this abusive?’ the answer would have been no. You might find it annoying, but unless you are doing other things to control his eating habits it isn’t abuse. I know it is confusing when you are coming out of the fog of abuse – abuse puts you on such shifting ground and makes it so hard to tell right from wrong, because you are so used to accepting unacceptable behaviour and being blamed for actions which are actually normal. It gets clearer after you leave once you re-establish your own boundaries and sense of self.
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yes it’s abuse, emotional and physical. My ex used to insult me, keep my self confidence and self esteem so low, then say he was joking or I was too sensitive. Would he behave this way with his boss or neighbour or friend? No. He saves this for you because it’s domestic abuse. They know exactly what they are doing and they are adults. They know how to behave they just choose to be abusive around their partners. Then the pass the blame back to us for being ‘too sensitive” or “I was joking” and the confusion begins.
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Hi Maryanne, I agree with Kip, definitely abuse. This behaviour you described is exactly what my husband has been doing from day one and is still doing (detail removed by Moderator) later. It’s one of his classics: he’s joking; where’s my sense of humour; I’m too sensitive; I always twist his words etc
They never take responsibility for their words/actions, never apologise, always shift the blame on to us etc .
Another classic defence is distracting us, lying, wearing their masks and morphing into Mr Nice Guy after they’ve gone too far and we call them out on their behaviour.
Keep googling abuse online if you can cover your tracks or have your own device. I know it’s really hard to accept, but keep reading and it will all become clear. Trust me it gets worse and worse, you end up accepting all kinds of outrageous behaviour as normal! The longer you’re with them the lower your self esteem and confidence get and the worse they become. He’s not treating you with respect, ramming the sweets into your mouth and calling you greedy are not only disrespectful, but dangerous and an put down designed to knock your confidence and test your boundaries so he can see what he can get away with and how best to control you. If you stay it will get worse. They always escalate. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Look for the patterns in his behaviour as described on the websites. You’ll probably recognise a lot more things that you didn’t even realise were abuse like I did. They are excellent at rationalising their abuse and putting the blame on us. Keep posting and reading everything you can find. Take care and don’t feel bad or blame yourself. They choose to treat us badly. They choose to say and do hurtful things. More importantly they choose to repeat this behaviour when they know we don’t like it and refuse to accept any responsibility for it. This is abuse and you don’t deserve it, shouldn’t put up with it. We have to learn to respect ourselves, believe we deserve better and have the confidence to set boundaries and expect people to respect them. -
thanks everyone for your advice i have been forced to separate from my husband as he battered me badly (detail removed by Moderator), the police asked me if he had done anything to me before and i said no it was the first time we are not long married however i did then remember the eating incident and couldnt think if that was a type of abuse but i can see from what you are saying he does have a control problem. puzzledatlife you sound like a very caring sensible person to me you tried to keep the kids healthy while not being too strict either a good balance id say x
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